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Surviving a Big, Fat Failure

So you went down in flames. Welcome to the Big Fat Failure Club! It’s a club no one ever hopes to be a member of but almost inevitably gets invited to join at some point. We will all experience crushing disappointment at one time or another, whether it’s losing an election or a job, bombing an interview or presentation, not getting into the school of our dreams, or seeing our relationship, business, or big plans go up in smoke.

When you’re in the midst of despair, it can feel like you’ll never recover. But just like that first crushing heartbreak back in middle school that you swore you’d never survive, somehow, you do. Everything you’re doing now to strengthen your bravery muscles will go a long way toward getting you through and out the other side.

This step-by-step guide will help you find your way through when things don’t go quite as you’d hoped or planned.

Step One: Throw a (Short) Pity Party

The morning after I lost my big race for Congress, I woke up in a hotel room alone, still in the “victory dress” I’d worn the day before, surrounded by the debris of what was supposed to be a celebratory party. My head throbbing and heart heavy as a stone, I somehow managed to get myself up and back to my apartment, where I immediately tossed my crumpled clothes on the floor, put on sweats, and climbed into bed. I pretty much stayed under the covers for the next three days nursing my bruised ego, only crawling out of my hole long enough to consume some Wheat Thins and Diet Coke before getting right back in and resumed mindlessly staring at the television. I felt like complete and utter crap, and probably looked like it, too.

Eventually, I got myself up, turned off the TV, and washed my hair. After a last round of fresh tears and a good strong cup of coffee, I slowly started making the necessary calls to thank my supporters and donors—and you know the rest of the story from there.

Looking back, I absolutely believe that those days I spent wallowing in pity were every bit as essential for my rebound as all the other steps I took next. So I say go ahead and throw yourself a pity party. Allow yourself a finite amount of time to really mourn what you lost (for big painful setbacks I usually go with three days). Put on your comfiest sweats, call your best girlfriends to cry or scream, binge-watch The Crown, crack open a bottle of wine, eat Ben & Jerry’s right out of the pint—whatever your creature comforts are, go there.

Then, and only when you’re good and ready, get up, toss away the empty ice cream containers, and move on to Step Two.

Step Two: Celebrate Your Failure

In the world of scientific research, much like in Silicon Valley, repeated failure is a given. Sometimes, the studies and trials pan out, resulting in millions of lives helped or saved and even more dollars earned; more often than not, they don’t.

Yet those failures are still celebrated. Why? Because as Merck’s director of neuroscience said, “You celebrate the achievement of getting an answer.” Even if that answer isn’t the one you’d hoped for.

In 2013, the outlook was promising for Biogen’s new drug to treat ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis; also called Lou Gehrig’s disease). Early study results were encouraging—a rare ray of hope for sufferers of this debilitating disease—so the company launched a final-stage clinical trial. Patients and doctors around the world hoped and prayed that this would finally be the breakthrough they had been waiting for. When the eagerly anticipated trial failed, the devastated scientists broke down in tears.

Then they went out for drinks.

I wasn’t there, of course, but I can just picture these brilliant men and women raising their glasses with heavy hearts, not just to commiserate in their disappointment but also to honor the victories they’d had along the way. I’ll give cheers to this team myself, because I know all too well how vitally important this kind of closure can be. Celebrating small accomplishments—even in the face of big failures—is what enables us to press on and hold on to hope that eventually our efforts will result in a breakthrough success.

If you failed, it means you tried. If you tried, it means you took a risk. Celebrate the fact that you put yourself out there and dared to go for it. That’s damn brave, woman! Take time to honor that. Celebrate the fact that you got a result, even if it wasn’t the result you’d hoped for, because it means you saw something through to its conclusion and can now pivot to your next move.

Step Three: Shake It Off (Literally)

In the weeks following the leaked memo by Google employee (now former employee) James Damore that claimed women were biologically unsuited for careers in tech, a tornado of responses hit airwaves and newsfeeds. Like so many women in my industry, I was outraged, so I channeled my disgust into an op-ed for the New York Times that took on the memo, point by point. The editors at the paper were superexcited about the piece, as was I, and planned to run it on Sunday, August 13.

The afternoon of Saturday, August 12, our country watched horrified as a white supremacist at a rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, mowed down protesters, killing one woman and injuring dozens more. Needless to say, the op-ed pages quickly (and appropriately) shifted their focus to the deeply troubling race relations in America, and my piece got pulled. Of course I completely understood—I was as sickened by the events as the rest of our country. Still, I was disappointed that something I’d worked really hard on and felt so passionate about would never see the light of day.

I sat on my couch feeling bad for about a half hour (a very brief pity party), then got up and laced up my sneakers to go out for a run to shake it off.

When I say, “shake it off,” I mean literally shake off the disappointment, shame, or regret that’s clinging to you and preventing you from moving forward. Research has shown that physical activity after an emotional blow is key for promoting resilience, so get moving. Go for a run or a long walk, hit the gym, do yoga; even better, do it with friends (strong social connections are another proven resilience booster). If exercise isn’t your jam, go do anything that gets you out of your head and back into self-care. Make or bake something. Read an inspiring book. Meditate. Spend an afternoon in the park with your kid. Go to a museum, a movie, a concert.

Will doing these things suddenly make everything peachy again? No, of course not. But it will jolt you out of the funk you’re mired in. It’ll help refuel your tank and give you the energy and strength to move ahead to Step Four.

Step Four: Review, Reassess, Realign

It’s go time. Here’s where you make like Beyoncé and turn that proverbial lemon into lemonade.

First, review. The key to this step is to tell or write your story of what happened with as little editorializing as possible. Include just the objective facts, with no blame, or interpretation—as though you were a journalist doing the reporting in the most objective terms. Ask yourself: What happened?

Where, when, how did it happen?

Who was involved?

What are the (real, actual) consequences?

What needs to be changed, repaired, or put back on track?

Second, reassess. This requires what psychologists call “cognitive flexibility,” which is a fancy way of saying having the ability to see the situation through a different lens. Psychotherapist Esther Perel refers to it as “reframing your narrative.” It’s easy to fixate on a single narrative, replaying it over and over in our mind. But when we get stuck on a single, black-and-white version of events—especially one distorted by shame or self-doubt—it limits our ability to see the shades of gray around us. That’s when we need to reframe it by taking a step back and asking some broader questions: You know what went wrong. But what also went right?

You didn’t achieve what you set out to. What did you learn or gain in its place?

You’ve beaten yourself up enough by this point, I’m sure; now it’s time to show compassion and let yourself off the hook, same as you would a friend. What worthy efforts and actions did you take that need to be acknowledged? What are you proud of having done? The key to self-forgiveness is focusing on what you did right and remembering that no one—not even you—is perfect.

You got crushed, screwed over, rejected; this is the disempowering blame game. Shift out of blame and into responsibility and ask: What could you have done differently, and what will you do differently next time?

The walls came crashing down, but what’s still standing? What can you salvage?

You didn’t get what you wanted. Is there any upside to it not working out?

This is the end of one chapter, not the end of the whole story. What could the next chapters be?

Last, realign. Three factors that have been proven to help us bounce back from setbacks are having a sense of purpose, gratitude, and altruism. We realign with our purpose by remembering why we took on this challenge in the first place. When I lost my election, I went back to what drove me to run for office, which was a deep desire to serve others and make a difference. Then I redirected my efforts in another direction that allowed me to serve, only in a very different way. In an inspiring TED talk, bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert shares how she rebounded after her second book bombed. She said, “I will always be safe from the random hurricanes of outcome as long as I remember where I rightfully live.” Her love of writing is her “home”—her purpose—her reason for trying. What’s yours?

Gratitude is a potent and proven way to shift your mood and energy, because it’s not possible to feel bummed out and grateful at the same time. After the painful and public flop of her movie Beloved, Oprah Winfrey fell into a depression. But when she eventually pulled herself out, the tether she tied herself to was gratitude. “That’s when the gratitude practice became really strong for me,” she said, “because it’s hard to remain sad if you’re focused on what you have instead of what you don’t have.” The best way to practice gratitude is to make a daily list. I started doing this every morning about a year ago and I can tell you it has 100 percent made a difference in how I launch into my day. Every morning or evening, write down three things you are most grateful for—and I mean truly grateful for. It’s easy to just tick off, “my health, my family, my job,” and if those are your top three, fantastic. But it’s even better to dig a little deeper into specifics. What is it about your family that you are grateful for? (i.e., how they make you laugh, their support, coming home to them every night…) What aspect of your job do you appreciate? (the satisfaction of the work, your colleagues, the snacks in the break room…) What experience had a positive impact on you? (a book you loved, conversation you had, food you enjoyed, a trip you took…) Which elements of your health do you most value? (not being ill or injured, being physically able to do the things you love, feeling energized…) What circumstances do you have and hold as personally meaningful? (the unconditional love of your partner, the support of your friends, your comfortable home…) I often put the screwups and setbacks of my day on that list, too, because while I might not be feeling particularly grateful for them at the time, I’ve learned that every one of them ends up shaping who I am and who I become. I picked up this tip from Ralph Waldo Emerson, who once said, “Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” Last, altruism is a guaranteed ticket out of a negative headspace. You don’t have to donate a ton of money or volunteer in a soup kitchen to activate the positive energy flow of altruism; there’s plenty of research that shows that any form of giving and being kind to others has a major impact on our health, longevity, happiness, and overall well-being. Since you’re already invested in empowering Team Brave, how about aiming your efforts in the direction of a fellow woman? Might as well boost the sisterhood while you’re getting yourself back on track! Offer your assistance to a colleague who is working on a big project. Reach out to a new mom in your kid’s school and invite her for coffee. Send a personal note of thanks to a friend who supported or inspired you in some way. Visit the elderly woman who lives alone next door. Like gratitude, generosity pretty much vaporizes any lingering feelings of bitterness, shame, or disappointment and lifts you up, while at the same time bringing light and joy to someone else—so really, it’s a win-win for everyone. When we realign with our generosity of spirit, we realign with our sense of purpose and bravery and can get back on track with what we want to do or accomplish.

Step Five: Try Again

You will falter. You will fuck up. You will have setbacks, flops, and failures. And yet…

Each time you screw up, you learn what not to do.

Each time you falter, you prove that you can right yourself.

Each time you fail, you get to try again.

Ultimately, your failures give you your edge. They make you stronger, wiser, more empathetic, more valuable, more real. And when you stop demanding perfection of yourself, they become your personal bravery badges of honor. Wear them with pride, and then get back out there and do it all over again.

I want every single one of us who have lived at the mercy of our perfect-girl training to know that no failure will break you. Will you make mistakes, maybe even fail? Absolutely. Will it break you? No way, sister. No mistake or setback will take you down once you become a die-hard member of Team Brave. Every setback is just another chance to further strengthen those fierce bravery muscles you’re building by getting back up and trying again.

We are all in this together, and I believe with every fiber of my being that by practicing bravery every chance we get, we can create a powerful movement of strong, happy, fulfilled, and formidable women who can and will change the world.

So kiss that perfect girl goodbye and go be brave. It’s your power to claim.