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6

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Build a Bravery Mindset

Iwasn’t born brave. In fact, I was pretty timid and fearful when I was young—until the last day of eighth grade when a group of bigoted bitches pushed me too far.

The sun was shining brightly that day, and there was a warm breeze. (Isn’t it always beautiful out just before something ugly happens?) Yearbooks were being passed around and the excitement of graduation was in the air. I was leaning up against the wall talking to my friend Phu when they surrounded me—the original mean girls—jeering and calling me a “haji.” They were laughing hysterically, taunting me and inviting me to a fight. Yes, a real fistfight.

At first I rolled my eyes. As one of the only Indian families in my neighborhood, I was used to being harassed. Many mornings I stood outside the front of my house helping Mom and Dad clean up the remnants of the previous night’s TP-ing or egging. Once, someone spray-painted “dot head go home” on the side of our house. As my dad and I picked the shards of eggshell off our lawn, I wondered if this was what he had imagined for us. My parents came to this country as refugees, fleeing a brutal dictator in Uganda. They were given ninety days to leave, or they would be shot on the spot. Somehow, though, in spite of all the violence they had witnessed, Mom and Dad always chose to show love and kindness.

They relished their freedom in America and assimilated. Dad changed his name from Mukund to Mike, and Mom quietly brushed off insults about her sari and bindi that she faced at the local Kmart. They silently endured such indignities, big and small, and constantly urged my sister and me to do the same.

Usually, I listened. Until finally, I’d had enough. I was tired of being obedient and quiet. So, when the girls told me to meet them that afternoon after school for a fight, I looked them straight in the eyes and said yes.

When the final bell rang, Phu grabbed me and tried to drag me toward the bus, “Let’s just go, Resh, you don’t need to do this.” God, I wanted to get on that school bus so badly, but I couldn’t. I knew I was going to get beat up. I knew I wasn’t David against Goliath and this wasn’t going to be a scene out of Karate Kid. I literally had no chance of winning that fight. I was just a small Indian girl, whose Hindu parents had taught her nonviolence. But I couldn’t let those girls make me run and hide. So I walked back behind the school and there they were, armed with a Wilson tennis racket, a bat, and a plastic bag full of shaving cream.

Before I could even set down my backpack, the pack of mean girls was coming at me. All I heard were the screams and laughter from the crowd of spectators—that is, almost every eighth grader in our school—that had assembled behind them. Knuckles crashed into my eye, and I blacked out almost immediately. When I came to moments later, the kids were gone; just the cans of shaving cream and empty plastic bags were left behind.

I woke up the next morning in pain and terrified. I had this beautiful black-and-blue lace dress that I planned to wear to my graduation that Sunday, and now I also had a big black eye to go with it. But the physical pain wasn’t the worst part. I was embarrassed. To me, that black eye meant that I had failed at assimilating, at being accepted by my peers. I didn’t know how I would walk into that ceremony with my head held high. But I did know that if I didn’t show up, I would always cower. My graduation was a huge turning point for me. By showing up, I made a decision to be my whole self, even if that meant acknowledging that I had failed at fitting in.

So I pinned my hair in an updo and painted my lips pink and decided I was going to rock that black eye. My graduation turned out to be my first failure party. And, honestly, it was the best decision I could have made. I felt bolder and stronger and prouder that day than I ever had, knowing it was better to walk around with a black eye than with a heart full of regret.

The black eye eventually faded, and, sadly, for a long time, the memory of how I felt that graduation day faded, too. You’d think that girlhood experience would have fundamentally changed me, but over time, the memory got buried under the weight of everything I was working so hard to accomplish. It wasn’t until that pivotal August day many years later when something in me snapped and said Enough! that I remembered how freeing facing my fears had felt. That was when something in me shifted for good and I decided to make a lifelong commitment to bravery.

I’ve learned that when it comes to being brave, your mindset determines everything. If I’d believed on those two fateful days that I simply wasn’t capable of courage—that I just wasn’t the type of girl who could stand up for herself against a pack of vicious mean girls, or that I wasn’t the type of woman who could quit the life path she’d chosen to make her parents happy and go after what she really wanted—then I would have proven those things to be true. But somehow, I believed I could grow into the brave, confident person I wanted to be, and eventually, through lots of failures and rebounds, setbacks and small victories, I did.

Obviously, we can’t simply will ourselves to be brave. There’s no magic potion, no silver bullet. And it’s not like we can do one courageous thing and then we’re done. It’s a process that we’re called to, day after day, and it requires consistent practice. We’ll always face new setbacks and bigger challenges, and to meet them requires strategies to cultivate the mindset out of which bravery can become a lifelong habit.

Strategy: Keep Your Tank Full

Every woman I know is exhausted. We do, and take on, so much—between working and being a mom, friend, daughter, mentor, keeper of the family’s well-being, pet caretaker, travel planner, and master scheduler. Add to that the stress of trying to do all that perfectly and a deep-seated drive to put others’ needs above our own and you’ve got a recipe for serious burnout.

But here’s the good news: the era of burnout as a badge of honor is over. It used to be considered badass to juggle fifty things at once, to work twenty-four seven even if we were on vacation or had the flu, to subsist on caffeine and PowerBars. Not anymore. Now that we know the toll of these depleting habits, workaholism is out and wellness is in. After all, Arianna Huffington, arguably one of the biggest media moguls of our time, wrote a blockbuster bestseller about the power of sleep. That’s right: the fifty-second-most-powerful woman in the world according to Forbes is on a mission to prove that one of the ultimate secrets to success is getting enough shut-eye. Good enough for me.

It’s not just that fatigue costs us and the economy billions of dollars in lost productivity ($411 billion a year, to be exact), or that stress has been linked to serious ailments from obesity to heart conditions, or that we look and feel like crap when we’re running on fumes. As Arianna pointed out when I told her I was writing about women and bravery, we can’t be brave if we’re burned out.

She’s right, of course. There’s no way you will have the stamina to take risks if you feel like you’re out of gas. It’s damn near impossible to muster the courage to say no or to try something scary and new when your energy is depleted and your brain is fried. I don’t know about you, but when I’m wiped out, the last thing I want to think about is putting myself out there in any way. All I want to do is put on leggings and a sweatshirt, throw my hair up in a bun, swap out my contacts for my dorky glasses, collapse on the couch and escape into the oblivion of Netflix. Exhaustion and being overwhelmed are pretty much instantaneous bravery killers.

It demands emotional and even physical energy, stamina, and endurance to leave our comfort zone, which is why the first and most essential key to cultivating a bravery mindset is to put your wellness first.

Here are the basics:

Prioritize your health. Lianna walked around with a painful sinus infection for four days because she didn’t have time to go to the doctor. Yet when her dog got sick and started suddenly vomiting, she immediately dropped everything to run him over to the vet. Sound familiar? It’s crazy how many of us shove our basic self-care aside—and it’s no wonder so many of us end up suffering from autoimmune diseases, back pain, depression, or worse. It’s brave to say: no more. No more showing up for work or to meet a friend when you have the cold from hell just because you didn’t want to let anyone down. No more sacrificing your workout plans or a doctor’s appointment to accommodate someone else’s schedule. You wouldn’t ignore a troubling mole on your kid’s shoulder, or let your best friend get away with postponing her mammogram because she’s too busy, so take an equally powerful stance for your own well-being. Consider prioritizing your health as your first official act of radical bravery.

Take that “me time.” A 2012 national study done by the Family and Work Institute proved what we all intellectually know to be true: the women who make it a regular habit to set aside time for themselves are much more satisfied with their lives than those who put it off. But just because we know that relaxing and replenishing is good for us doesn’t mean we actually do it. Saying yes to taking care of yourself usually means saying no to someone else in some form or another, and for those of us who are wired to think that prioritizing our needs is selfish, that’s really, really hard. But that’s also what makes it brave.

Get some sleep—seriously. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you try to squeeze every last thing you can into your day, from waking up at dawn to work out and make your kids pancakes (even though cereal would be perfectly fine) to staying up late answering emails and cleaning every last dirty dish. Perfectionism compels us to burn the candle at both ends, but don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can “get by” on only a few hours of sleep. Studies have shown that seven to nine hours a night is what you need to operate at your best. Being well rested won’t automatically make you braver, but I can promise you that not being well rested will seriously get in your way.

Learn to meditate. Scientific studies prove that meditation shrinks the amygdala, which is the part of the brain that is driving the bus when we feel threatened or scared. For a small time investment of ten to twenty minutes a day, you can literally rewire your brain to respond to everyday life situations from a place of calm rather than fear.

Schedule in gym time. You knew this was coming. Sorry, but the stats are all true: Exercise has been proven to ward off everything from excess weight to stress to anxiety to disease—all of which influence whether we’re feeling empowered or depleted. Besides, nothing makes you feel fiercer than looking in the mirror and seeing a strong, sexy warrior babe reflected back at you. (Just to be clear: we’re talking about exercising to feel healthy, inspired, and accomplished…not to sculpt a perfect body! Keep it real; you know the difference.) As every fitness guru will tell you, the secret to making a fitness routine stick is to schedule it in advance, just like you would anything important.

Strategy: Claim the Power of “Yet”

I’m not brave.

I’m not the kind of person who takes risks.

I’m just not good at saying no.

Declarations like these are the very definition of what it means to be trapped in the fixed mindset I talked about earlier in the book. They leave no room for growth or progress; just a dead end. But look what happens when you add one small word to the end of those statements: I’m not brave…yet.

I’m not the kind of person who takes risks…yet.

I’m just not good at saying no…yet.

Suddenly, you’ve gone from stuck to free. You’re growing toward something, on your way from where you are to where you might go. Psychologist and motivational pioneer Carol Dweck referred to this as embracing the “power of yet” as opposed to “the tyranny of now.” This small mental shift can have a powerful impact, especially when it comes to reframing mistakes. You didn’t “not succeed”—you just haven’t succeeded yet. When you look at it that way, mistakes don’t have to become glaring signs of permanent limitations or failures—they’re just temporary setbacks. Less-than-perfect attempts don’t have to put a hard stop to the story; instead, you can turn an “I blew it” into an “Okay, tried that, now I’ll try something else.” Veronica Roth, author of the blockbuster Divergent series, told me that when she was growing up, there wasn’t a single area of her life that wasn’t touched by her desire to be perfect. Back then, if she wrote a draft that didn’t come out so great, she would pronounce the whole thing “garbage.” Now, she’s trained herself to say, “This draft has potential and just needs to be fixed.” In other words, “This draft isn’t excellent…yet.” None of us is a finished product; we’re all works in progress. Next time you catch yourself making a blanket declaration about your limitations, remind yourself of that by adding a “yet” onto the end and you’ll immediately feel the difference.

Strategy: Do the “Drama vs. Wisdom” Test

Being thoughtful is smart. It’s wise to survey the landscape and weigh the pros and cons before taking any action that involves risk. It’s when we overthink, overprepare, and overanalyze that we veer out of cautious territory and into Stucksville.

The border between those two zones is marked by fear. The key to crossing it is learning to recognize when you’re being wisely cautious and when you’re talking yourself out of something just because you’re afraid. When you pass on a challenge or an opportunity, ask yourself, Does this really not make sense to do, or am I not doing it because I’m scared and out of my comfort zone?

Or, as my brilliant executive coach, Rha Goddess, puts it, “Is that your drama or your wisdom talking?”

You’ll know it’s your wisdom when you feel at peace with your decision. The voice of wisdom is calm, with a sense of authority. Drama, on the other hand, tends to be a little whinier, more nervous, and more defensive (imagine a guilty Chihuahua and you’ll get the picture). If you hear yourself making excuses, find yourself compelled to explain your choice to anyone who will listen, or just feel vaguely disappointed or unhappy, it’s a sign that your drama is calling the shots.

I often think about this in weighing whether I want to run for public office again. Up until I started working on this book, I was absolutely sure the reason I wasn’t going to run was because I felt like I was making a bigger impact doing what I’m currently doing with Girls Who Code. But after putting the question about drama versus wisdom to hundreds of women, I have to turn the lens on myself and ask, Is it actually that I’m afraid to fail again? (The jury is still out on this one.) The next time you’re about to take a pass on something, hit pause and ask yourself if it’s your drama or your wisdom that’s talking. It’s a great way to practice calling bullshit on your automatic excuses and to get real with yourself instead.

Strategy: Look for Your Ledge

What’s the one thing you’re most afraid of doing? The thing that if you could do it, you know it would make a major difference for you in your life?

Rha Goddess calls that one thing your “ledge.” She says all of us are being called to some ledge, whether we’ve wanted to consciously acknowledge it or not. I call that ledge “my scary thing.” Whatever you call it, she’s right that we all have at least one challenge, one change, one move, one dream quietly calling out to us that we’re afraid to step up to. I’ve asked dozens of women the question of what’s the one scary thing they could do that would shift things for them in a profound way, and the answers always came quickly. Jillian’s one thing is telling her husband about her mountain of hidden debt. For Dawn, it’s finding a job that pays more. For Lissette, the ledge is losing the seventy-five excess pounds that are impairing her happiness and mobility. Other women talked about ending toxic relationships, telling grown children they need to move out, taking care of legal issues, or changing their career or other life path. We may not be doing that one big thing (yet!), but deep down, we know what it is, and identifying it is the first step in seeing where we’re stuck and what we can work toward tackling.

Where’s your ledge that you’re being invited to step out onto? If you’re not sure, start looking where your comfort zone is; as Rha says, anyplace you’re comfortable is a place to be a little bit suspicious. I’m not saying you have to go there just yet—or even at all—but training yourself to at least look for it channels your mindset in the right direction.

Strategy: Ask Yourself: What Scares Me More?

A highlight of the 2016 Women’s March on Washington for me was the protesters’ signs. There were so many smart, defiant, fierce, and funny ones (a personal favorite: “Hands too small, can’t build a wall,” but that’s another conversation). Clever jabs aside, one in particular stood out for me, made by a quiet woman from New Hampshire named Mara. Mara is an introvert who hates big crowds, yet she showed up to bravely stand among the throngs of people filling the streets of D.C. that day. Her sign read, “Crowds scare me. Trump scares me more.” I love this so much more than just a political statement. It’s a strategy we can use to put fears into perspective by shifting our focus from what scares us about taking action to what scares us about not doing something.

My friend Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist and New York Times bestselling author, says that the most brilliant, innovative people are very often procrastinators or afraid of taking risks. So what moves someone to go from just incubating a great idea to putting it out into the world? He says it’s the moment when the fear of failure is overtaken by the fear of failing to try. It’s when they realize that while they might fail, that’s better than failing to matter. Just imagine what you might achieve once you make the shift from worrying about whether you’ll make a fool of yourself to instead asking if you’ll one day regret never taking the chance.

“A lot of it is doing mental time travel,” Adam says. “Being able to mentally fast-forward ten years ahead is one of the most uniquely useful human skills. Maybe right now being told no or failing feels really uncomfortable, but even more uncomfortable might be someone staring back at you ten years from now who was unwilling to pursue that ambition. Mental time travel helps you detach from the immediate consequences of taking that risk and think about it with some perspective: What will I weight more heavily, the sting of failing, or the pang of what might have been?

For me the shift happened at age thirty-three. I’d always thought there was plenty of time to run for office, but I woke up one day and realized, Oh shit…I’m not that young anymore. The thought of running for office scared me, but the idea of running out of time to do so scared me more. Fear of regret can be a powerful motivator.

So can envy. I have a friend who is an amazing writer. She took a job as a journalism professor, but she hates it; all she wants to do is be an author. Anytime someone writes a book that she feels like she could have written, it’s like a stab in the heart. While the torture she felt every weekend reading the Sunday New York Times Book Review certainly wasn’t fun, it did provoke her to finally start working on her own book.

Author Veronica Roth, who suffered from lifelong anxiety and paralyzing self-doubt, eventually had to ask herself which was scarier: putting herself out there, or stifling her voice. “The scary thing about writing is opening yourself up to criticism and being vulnerable with strangers, but it was more important to me to grow as a writer than to avoid criticism,” she told me.

I met a woman named Lauren who worried her daughters would grow up to avoid challenges just because they were afraid. So even though the idea of going white water rafting with them on a family trip scared the wits out of her, she went for it. The idea of modeling fear for her girls scared her more than putting on a wetsuit and getting into that boat.

When you smack up against a wall of fear, instead of focusing on what scares you, try taking a step back and asking yourself, What might the cost be if I don’t do this…and which option scares me more?

Strategy: Take Your Own Advice

Here’s another easy but highly useful tip from Adam Grant:

When you’re faced with a “scary” challenge or opportunity and debating what to do, ask yourself what advice you would give someone else in that situation. “On average, we make better decisions for others than we do for ourselves,” he explains. “All we need for ourselves is one or two reasons not to do it and we can give up. But if we’re giving someone else advice, we can take a big step back and discuss the fundamental reasons why they should or shouldn’t do it.” For instance, imagine you’re asked to give a presentation at work that pushes you outside your normal comfort zone. Maybe the audience is much bigger than you’re used to, or public speaking in front of clients makes you break out in a cold sweat. Left to your own rationalization, you might conclude it’s just not worth it and say no.

Now imagine a good friend was the one who was asked to give the presentation and asked what you thought she should do. Chances are you wouldn’t say, “Oh jeez, no way…forget that.” You might point out to her what a great opportunity it is for her to try something new, to overcome her fear, or to get more visibility at work. You’d talk through the pros and cons, maybe even come up with some coping strategies to help her feel more confident.

Amazing how easy it is to encourage the people we love to be brave, isn’t it? Even more amazing is what happens when we do the same for ourselves.

Strategy: Set Daily Bravery Challenges

One day, a Girl Scout from Washington, D.C., named Alice Paul Tapper noticed the boys in her fourth-grade class raised their hands much more often than the girls. It bothered her to see the girls staying quiet and she guessed it was because they were afraid their answers would be wrong and they would feel embarrassed, or that they worried they wouldn’t be able to get the teacher’s attention. Together with her troop, she created a “Raise Your Hand” patch to encourage girls to use their voices. Girls earn the patch by pledging to raise their hands in class and encouraging other girls to do the same. Since then the “Raise Your Hand” patch has caught on with Girl Scout troops all around the country.

If Alice and hundreds of other ten-year-old girls can practice bravery on a daily basis, so can we. I can’t promise you a patch for your efforts, but I can promise that with every bravery challenge you take on, that muscle will grow stronger.

As Dr. Meredith Grossman explains, one of the best ways to change what we think and believe is by changing what we do—kind of like changing from the outside in. It’s hard to believe something to be true without having the actual experience of it; seeing it in action gives you the proof. You can work hard to convince yourself that you won’t forever lose the respect of your colleagues if you say something dumb in a meeting, but until you actually utter something less than brilliant and see that nothing terrible happens, you won’t entirely believe it to be true.

There’s no set path to “becoming brave” other than taking actions over and over again that reinforce bravery rather than fear. That’s why I’m challenging you to choose one strategy each day from the chapters that follow and do it. I’ve said it before but it bears repeating; bravery is a muscle, the more you work it, the stronger it becomes. By practicing bravery on a daily basis when you’re on stable ground, you set yourself up to survive the bigger, unexpected challenges that life will undoubtedly throw your way.