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9

Ornament

Play for TeamBrave

When Shalene Flanagan blazed past the finish line in 2017 to become the first American woman to win the New York City Marathon in forty years, she did more than just set a record. Her achievement brought to light what the New York Times dubbed the “Shalene Flanagan effect,” which broke the every-woman-for-herself mold that was pervasive in the professional running world. Instead, she banded female athletes together to push, support, and inspire one another to win. As a result of her efforts, Flanagan and her teammates are now ranked as some of the world’s best long-distance runners, winning everything from marathons to Olympic medals.

This is what it means to play for Team Brave. I believe so strongly that the way to change the global landscape for all women is by supporting and pushing one another in personal and meaningful ways. When we encourage each other to be brave and share the results—both the good and the bad—we build a sisterhood of strength that supports us to take on even more courageous acts.

Being brave is a powerful form of activism. When you break ground and become the first to do anything, whether it’s winning a marathon or telling someone that the sexist comment he just made wasn’t appropriate, it opens the door for other women to do the same. That’s how we all get stronger, one brave act at a time.

Strategy: Show the Mess Behind the Scenes

Hanging on the wall in the offices of popular media company theSkimm is a framed copy of a Vanity Fair article featuring its two founders, Danielle Weisberg and Carly Zakin. The powerhouse millennial duo are smiling broadly in the photo, looking casually professional, calm, and confident. I was visiting Danielle and Carly to talk about the perfection trap women face, and Danielle immediately pointed to the article on the wall and started to laugh. It turns out that while the women in the picture were projecting an air of effortless success, they were still in hard-core fight-for-your-life start-up mode and had actually had their credit card declined less than an hour earlier.

“I met a female tech entrepreneur recently who said she wanted to hate us, because we make it look easy,” Danielle said. “I was stunned by that, because of course it’s not true. I feel bad if we’ve put that image out there because it’s equally important to show every Advil-inducing moment along the way. Glamour jobs are never quite what they seem.” There is no such thing as effortless perfection. No one wakes up looking flawless. No couple “never fights,” no one’s child is a perfect angel, no one landed in the C-suite or at the top of the masthead without breaking a sweat or clawing through some serious setbacks along the way. Instagram filters go a long way toward making us believe that every perfect picture is a snapshot of an equally perfect life, but we know better. Everyone—and I mean everyone—is imperfect. Everyone struggles. Everyone screws up. Everyone says stupid things or yells at their kid or forgets to send in their quarterly taxes. Everyone has little secrets they squirrel away shamefully; whether it’s that we’re in therapy, or that we sometimes stress-eat excessively or that we cry sometimes in the bathroom at work.

We already know the energy and effort it takes to maintain the illusion of perfection—and how empty that struggle ultimately is. The braver step is to let others see that we’re human: we struggle; we make mistakes; we fail. What if we could finally let down our “perfect” veneer and allow people to see the messiness behind the scenes?

First, it would relieve us of the heavy armor we’ve been dragging around with us. That casing weighs a ton. It’s a giant relief just to be real.

It would allow us to connect with people authentically, rather than in a hollow and superficial way. If you think about the relationships that make you feel energized, happy, and inspired, they are the ones where there’s no bullshit or pretense. No one is trying to be anything or look any particular way. No one is looking to impress anyone or be anything other than exactly as silly and human as we all are.

And showing the mess behind the scenes allows everyone else around you to relax and do the same. I know a woman who throws the most amazing political fund-raising parties. Everything always looks impeccable, from the flowers to the food to her hair and makeup. But if you compliment her and marvel at how perfect everything is, she’s quick to laugh and tell you that the cat threw up on the rug just before everyone got there or that her gorgeous dress is on loan from Rent the Runway. She’s utterly real and maintains a sense of humor about the hard work it takes to make everything look fabulous. In my mind, that humility, that realness—not the impeccable decor or the mouthwatering menu or the expensive china—is what makes her the perfect host.

Don’t hide your mistakes in shame—display them with pride! It’s brave to reach for something out of your comfort zone, and even braver to let the world see (and commiserate or laugh along with you) when you fall flat on your face. By all means, share your successes, but also share the embarrassing oops and oh shit moments that got you there. Remember Carly and Danielle’s tradition at theSkimm of passing around the “Fail So Hard” hat at their weekly staff meetings for people to put on and share their messiest moment of the week; borrow that tradition and make it your own. My staff and I have started posting failurefriday moments on social media to get this started…come join us.

The point is to just take a deep breath and let people see the real you. You’re being brave by letting yourself be vulnerable and, because authenticity inspires authenticity in others, you’re paving the way for other women to be, too.

Strategy: Support the Sisterhood

I hate to say this, but bitch culture is never more vicious than when it’s woman against woman. Even though it’s been proven anecdotally and in research that mentoring one another benefits everyone, we still compete like she-gladiators and craftily tear each other down—usually behind the scenes, through snide comments, gossip, maneuvering, and manipulating. It’s death by a thousand cuts, executed through whispers in the ladies’ room, passive-aggressive emails, backhanded compliments, icy snubs, and withering comments disguised as “constructive criticism.” I remember so clearly when The Devil Wears Prada came out. Pretty much every woman I know had a story to tell about her own Miranda Priestly who tortured her in one way or another. A friend with one of those coveted jobs as an assistant at a talent agency had (on more than one occasion) a cell phone thrown at her by her frustrated female boss. Another who worked in retail stood stunned and speechless as her manager reamed her out for a mistake that the manager herself had made to cover her own ass, in front of an important customer. It’s no wonder that the majority of women report that they’d rather work for men than for other women.

There are lots of theories about why we undermine and sabotage each other like this. Some rightly point to the very real obstacles to gender equality that still exist in the workplace. We live in a culture where women need to work twice as hard to earn half the same respect (and less than three-fourths of the same pay), so perhaps we try to hold each other back because every inch of advantage matters. Maybe it’s the undercurrent of that double bind of needing to be assertive and bold to get ahead, but then reviled and criticized for being so. Some claim that women are biologically programmed to compete with one another, just as we did back in primitive times when winning the affection of the alpha male—and the protection and resources that came along with that—was paramount for survival.

But underneath all those theories is one unifying truth: we’re scared of being outshone, outranked, outdone, or knocked down by another woman, so we strike first. Scared that others will see our imperfections, we make sure to shine a big spotlight on others’ flaws. Scared to trust and collaborate with other women, we stick to the every-woman-for-herself style of combat. Feeling vulnerable, we lash out, abuse, and sabotage, doing the very things that we most fear other women will do to us.

What if we looked at this a different way? What if we viewed supporting other women as a show of strength rather than weakness? What if we worried less about our imperfections and instead focused on enhancing our skills, and helping other women do the same? What if, instead of feeling intimidated by an assertive woman and bitching about her behind her back, we talked about how we admire her instead? What if, instead of worrying there isn’t enough room at the top for all of us (and by the way, there is), we went out of our way to help a female colleague or friend get there? What if, instead of feeling “less than” some other woman, we reminded ourselves that we are equally smart/talented/valuable and asked her to collaborate with us instead?

Generosity and bravery are intertwined—especially when it comes to women supporting other women. As many of us know all too well, the drive to be perfect can also drive us to want to be “the best.” Giving your time or energy to support other women is brave because it calls you to put aside your quest to be better than everyone else and help make another woman’s experience better instead.

In your everyday life, look for opportunities to lift up, mentor, applaud, promote, and support other women. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Brag about each other. Any time a friend or colleague does something amazing, be their cheerleader and let the world know. If your assistant gets into grad school, post a note on her Facebook wall singing her praises. When a coworker gets promoted, send an email to everyone you work with and invite them for after-work drinks to celebrate. If a woman in your industry wins an award, tweet out a congratulatory note. This kind of support is contagious and will undoubtedly spread, hopefully far and wide until we all get it that we’re playing for Team Brave together.

Share your random acts of bravery. The fastest way to inspire other women to be brave is by example. If they can see it in you, they can be it themselves. So share your acts of bravery with your friends, family, and colleagues and let them be your cheerleader.

Be a bravery mentor. If you see a woman struggling to speak up or be assertive, reach out and offer to help. If you can tell she’s nervous about giving a speech, ask if she’d like you to look over her notes or to be a practice audience. If a friend tells you she would love to take a dance class but is afraid to make a fool of herself, offer to go with her and make fools of yourselves together. Or if she tells you she’s been putting off making an important doctor’s appointment because she’s scared, make her promise to do it today, and hold her to it.

Give honest feedback. If a woman asks you what you think, tell her the truth. Don’t tell her a white lie to protect her feelings—that compromises both of you and helps no one. You don’t need to be harsh to tell the truth; just be direct, calm, fully honest, and respectful.

Take her seriously. If a woman asks you a question, or asks for your advice or input, don’t blow her off—you never know how scary it may have been for her to ask in the first place. Whether you agree to her request or not, don’t ignore it; none of us is too busy or important to give another woman that level of respect.

Form a bravery club. Just like ten-year-old Alice Paul Tapper, who launched a Girl Scout patch to encourage other girls across the country to raise their hands in class, pull together women you know and launch a bravery initiative. Make a pact to do one brave act every day, and set up a chat group to share your daily acts of bravery.

Be a connector. Know someone who could help out with a project that a colleague is working on? Make the introduction. Have some research that could help make a colleague’s work better? Offer it to her. Be generous with your resources and your network by sharing not just what you know, but who you know. The old boys’ network encourages men to be abundant with their networks, and we need to be, too.