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8

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Nix the Need to Please

Last year, I was invited to speak at a big tech industry conference. This was shortly after a now-infamous (and hideously inaccurate) memo from a Google employee about why women are biologically unsuited to work in technology was leaked, and just around the time that the first wave of accusations that sparked the MeToo movement were emerging, so the feminist in me was extra charged up. I guess the guys who ran the conference expected me to give a nice, cheerful talk about girls and coding, but I felt we were in too important a moment to ignore what was happening around us. So instead, I got up onstage and talked about how it wasn’t enough for us to teach girls to code, that to level the playing field, Silicon Valley needed to fundamentally change its sexist culture and approach.

When I finished speaking, I didn’t exactly hear crickets, but there definitely was no thunderous applause, either; and then my Q&A that was supposed to follow was mysteriously canceled. Behind the scenes it was made clear that the organizers of the event were not happy with me. They thought my talk was inappropriate and that I came across as angry (well, duh). Let’s just say there’s a more-than-good chance I won’t be invited back next year.

In the days after, I was upset. It really irked me how I’d been pressured to fall into line, and I resented the passive-aggressive blackballing that I sensed would be my punishment for daring to be an angry woman. Even more enraging was the thought that they would never slap down a dude for going rogue or being outspoken (in fact, they would probably have applauded it). But mostly, if I’m being honest, I was upset because they didn’t like me.

I talked to my executive coach about what had happened, and she said something that really struck home. “The work here isn’t to figure out why they didn’t like you, or who’s right and who’s wrong,” Rha told me. “It’s to practice being okay with the idea that there are some people who will get you and some people who won’t…and that’s fine.” Whoaaa.

It had literally never occurred to me that it’s perfectly okay if I’m not liked or understood by some; those just aren’t my people. There are plenty of others who do get me, and who are aligned with who I am and what I’m here to do.

The more comfortable you get with doing, saying, and being in your truth, the less you’ll get caught up in what others think of you. The strategies in this chapter are powerful tools to help you nix the need to please. The irony is that once you free yourself from the need to always be liked, you clear a path for “your people”—the ones who get you—to like you that much more, for all the right reasons.

Strategy: Trust Yourself

Our perfect-girl training has taught us that being accommodating means we agree to go along with what someone else suggests we do, even if deep down we know it’s not what we want. We take advice that we aren’t really sure feels right, buy the expensive shoes that our friend says we have to get (even though we can’t really afford them and kind of know we’ll never wear them), say the thing our boss thinks we should say to a client even though it doesn’t feel entirely genuine to us—often because it’s just so much easier to agree than to hurt someone’s feelings by saying no.

Early in her career, actress Bridget Moynahan was auditioning for a big role that a guy in her acting class offered to help her with. Every bit of feedback he gave her felt wrong to her, but he’d had success getting work, so she figured he knew what he was doing. She followed his lead—and didn’t get the role. “That was a turning point for me about trusting myself,” Bridget says. “For me, that’s a key element of bravery. You have to trust yourself, whether it’s how to play a role or falling in love again even if you’ve gotten burned. You have to trust that you’re going to be okay, that you have something to offer. You need to be brave enough to trust yourself, knowing you’ll survive even if it fails.” This strategy is a subtle but crucial one. It requires that you really pay attention to what your gut is telling you, ask yourself whether you’re saying yes just to be agreeable, and become aware of when you give away your decision-making power to someone else. Tuning out the urgings of others and listening to our instincts is an important act of bravery.

Strategy: No Fucks Given

Caring about what other people think of us is a habit. It’s so deeply ingrained in us to crave the approval of others that we often don’t even realize how many of our choices and actions are tied up in that need. One way to break this habit is to be on the lookout for stories of women who do and say what they want, regardless of what others think.

In other words: we need to consciously look for fierce and fabulous examples of no fucks given.

I look for stories like these every chance I get—in the news, in stories friends or colleagues tell me, in books I read. I literally collect them and keep both mental and actual files as inspiration. It isn’t that hard, really, because if you look around, you’ll see plenty of examples everywhere, every day. I will never forget the awe I felt in the 1980s watching Madonna unapologetically break every taboo by writhing around onstage wearing religious ornaments, or the amazement I felt in 2016 witnessing Beyoncé command dancers in Black Panther berets into formation and giving a Black Power salute at the Super Bowl halftime show. Stand-up comic Amy Schumer routinely says whatever she wants, no matter how shocking. Frances McDormand blew off the norm of Hollywood polished glam and accepted the 2018 Golden Globe for Best Actress with zero makeup and tousled hair, then gave a wild and fierce Oscar acceptance speech in support of women in her industry. During a House Financial Services Committee hearing, Congresswoman Maxine Waters refused to let Treasury secretary Steve Mnuchin derail her line of questioning with flattery, pressing for answers and pointedly declaring she was “reclaiming her time.” Kiran Gandhi shocked the world when she ran the 2015 London Marathon while “free flowing” on her period to make a statement about the shaming of the processes of women’s bodies. Caitlin Jenner blew up the legend of decathlon winner Bruce Jenner to proudly claim her authentic gender identity, right on the cover of Vanity Fair. Like I said, no fucks given.

Then, there’s the indomitable Dame Helen Mirren. Though she’s famous today for her fierce candor, that wasn’t always the case. When a reporter asked her what advice she would give to her younger self, she replied that it would be to not be so “bloody polite” and say “fuck off” more often.

You don’t have to agree with these women, or even like them (they don’t care if you do, anyway). But you do have to admire them for caring more about what matters to them than what other people think.

Start making it a habit to find examples of women who don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks. It’s a powerful way to train your brain to focus less on what others think and more on who and what you want to be.

Strategy: Ask “And Then What?”

Our deep longing to be liked is utterly human, a relic of prehistoric days when being accepted (and therefore protected) by your clan literally meant the difference between life and death. Here in the twenty-first century, though, your survival is rarely if ever at stake just because someone thinks you’re a bitch. So why, exactly, do we as women so desperately need to be liked?

Each one of us has our own individual reasons why we need others to like us—all of which are driven by what we’re afraid will happen if they don’t. Think about one specific area in your life where you care most if you’re liked (hint: it’s usually the space in which you twist yourself into a pretzel to be nice/funny/accommodating, or smile when you really want to scream). Maybe it’s at work, or in your mommy and me playgroup, with your in-laws or stepkids, with employees or authority figures, in romantic relationships or friendships.

Got one in mind? Good. Now ask yourself: What exactly am I afraid will happen if this person/these people don’t like me? For instance, “I’m afraid if the moms at my kid’s school don’t like me, my son won’t be invited on playdates,” or “If my employees don’t think I’m supercool and amazing, they won’t work as hard for me.” Now go deeper. Take it to the absolute worst-case scenario by continually asking, “And then what?” For instance: I’m afraid my boyfriend will be annoyed if I tell him I’m pissed off.

And then what are you afraid will happen?

He’ll break up with me.

And then what?

I’ll be alone.

And then what?

I may never meet anyone else and end up alone forever.

Ouch. See how fast we take it from zero to sixty, casting ourselves out into the dark void of shame, ruin, and eternal solitude?

Here are some other real-life mental spirals women have shared with me:

I’m afraid if the moms at my son’s school don’t like me, they won’t invite him on playdates.

And then what?

He’ll have no friends.

And then what?

He’ll have a sad childhood.

And then what?

He’ll end up on drugs or depressed as a teenager.

If I call out my colleagues for making sexist jokes, I’ll be “that woman.”

And then what?

No one will want to work with me.

And then what?

I’d lose my job.

And then what?

I’ll have no money and lose my house.

It’s pretty powerful to see for yourself how deep that “be liked or be damned to hell” hardwiring goes—and, more importantly, how preposterous your worst-case scenario really is. Honestly, is he really going to dump you if you tell him you’re angry? And even if he does (besides him being an ass not worth your time), does that really mean you’re going to die alone? Is your son really going to be ostracized if the other moms don’t like you, and even so, is he really going to become a heroin addict because he didn’t go on playdates with the alpha moms’ kids?

We’ve sold ourselves on the narratives we’ve created around what it means if we’re not liked, but we need to question if those are true. Playing through these scenarios helps you shrink the overblown fear and look at them through the lens of what might actually happen, instead of what you’re terrified of.

Look, I’m not saying that there are never consequences. If your boyfriend is an ass, then indeed he might dump you. If your work atmosphere is truly sexist, then it’s not impossible you could be asked to leave if you call them out on it. For all these worst-case scenarios, though, ask yourself again, And then what?

You’ll survive and move on to people who get you, that’s what.

Strategy: Just Say No

I really have a problem saying no. I don’t want people to think that I’m too big for my britches, or that I’m mean or ungrateful in any way. When I first started Girls Who Code, a high-powered woman in the industry was such a bitch to me, and so I vowed that from that day forward, I would never behave like that toward anyone else.

So now I say yes all the time—at work, to favors, to anyone who asks for a few minutes of my time for advice. I say yes to speaking events halfway across the globe even it means I’ll be exhausted and to exploratory meetings with friends of friends that I could delegate to someone on my team. Like you, probably, this is something that drains my time and energy and leaves me depleted. It’s also something I’m working hard on changing.

It takes courage to say no—especially when others want or expect you to say yes. Rha Goddess says it’s the bravest thing a woman can do, and I’d have to agree. All our perfect-girl tendencies are tied up in saying yes or no to requests: the pressure to be accommodating, to be helpful, to be nice, to be selfless and put others’ needs above our own.

I’ve learned to look at saying no as a value calculation. I ask myself: What are the things that are the highest value for me? What aligns with my purpose? This helps me find the line between supporting others but not to my own detriment. Remember back in Chapter Six when we talked about asking “What scares me more?” That’s a value question. Only here, the question is, “What am I giving up/not doing by saying yes? What matters more?” My two highest priorities in my life are my family and making a difference in the world. So I try—and I stress try, because this is a work in progress—to make choices that serve those priorities and say no to the things that don’t. Turns out it’s pretty easy to tell the difference; when I say yes to activities that are aligned with my purpose of being a loving mom and wife or to meetings that move my company’s agenda forward, I feel excited, energized, and joyful. But when an entire day goes by and most of that time was spent on what mattered only for someone else, I’m exhausted and grumpy. We’ve all had the feeling of coming home after a long day feeling like we’ve been run over by everyone else’s agendas, and pissed off that we’ve ignored our own. At the very least, we can all use days like these to make better choices about what we’ll say yes or no to the next day, and how and to whom we’ll devote our time and energy.

Recently I got an email from a woman inviting me to an event she had organized. I don’t know her personally; she got my name through a professional organization we both belong to. Her email had come in during a moment when I was seriously up to my eyeballs in work and other commitments, and I didn’t have a chance to respond. Then I got her follow-up email, in which she informed me, in all caps (i.e., yelling), how disappointed she was that I didn’t attend, and she inferred that I broke some unspoken code of conduct of the group we belong to. As I read it, all I could think about was how sick to my stomach with shame and guilt I would have been if I’d gotten that kind of admonishment five years ago. Not that I love being bitched out now, but after working damn hard on becoming brave enough to put my agenda first, I don’t take that kind of thing too personally anymore.

Saying no is hard at first; I won’t lie. It’s one of the biggest challenges we face on our path to becoming brave, but it’s also the most gratifying. It’s remarkably empowering to claim your right to put you and your life priorities above the mandate of making nice for the sake of everyone else.

Strategy: Make the Ask

If the idea of asking for what you want is painful for you, you’re not alone. We perfect girls tend to feel horrified by the idea of seeming pushy, needy, demanding, obnoxious, entitled, or aggressive. Those are not “pleasing” qualities. But you’re not here to please everyone else; you’re here to build your bravery muscles. So it’s time to get in the habit of asking.

Start small by asking for one thing each day that’s a little bit outside your comfort zone. If your food arrived cold, ask your waitperson to take it back to the kitchen and have it reheated. Ask a colleague to take a few minutes to read over something you’re working on and offer some thoughts. Ask a friend (who reasonably can do so) to drive you to the airport. Invite someone you want to get to know better to have a cup of coffee with you. If you’re worried about coming across as pushy, don’t. Research has shown that people routinely see themselves as far more assertive than others do. So your version of “pushy” is really probably just normal to everyone else.

Then go bigger. Negotiate for a better price on a car. Request the plum assignment. Ask your significant other to stop doing something that’s driving you nuts. Request a meeting with someone you’d like to mentor you. Petition for the flexibility you need at your job.

Here are a few tips I’ve learned to make asking easier and more effective:

Start with “I.” For instance, “I would appreciate if you could take a look at this report” or “I was wondering if you might like to get coffee sometime.” This puts you in the driver’s seat.

Be direct and clear about what you’re asking for. No beating around the bush or making the person guess what you’re asking.

Be respectful. This is a sign of strength, not weakness. Saying “please” and “thank you” shows grace and class.

If you tend to get nervous, practice what you want to say in advance so you’re not fumbling for words.

Don’t automatically offer an out. I can’t tell you how often employees will ask me for something and then immediately backpedal by saying, “But if it’s not possible, that’s okay.” Just ask and then be quiet; let the person answer for themselves.

Don’t apologize for asking. No request should start with “I’m sorry, but would you mind…?”

Strategy: Nevertheless, Persist

Who knew Mitch McConnell, of all people, would hand women such an empowering rally cry when he disparaged Senator Elizabeth Warren for pressing her line of questioning in a hearing after being told to sit down and be quiet? It’s not all in our heads that men try to bulldoze women out of their voices. As an article in the New York Times reported, “Academic studies and countless anecdotes make it clear that being interrupted, talked over, shut down or penalized for speaking out is nearly a universal experience for women when they are outnumbered by men.” To that I say: The bulldozers have had their day; now it’s our time.

For every time you’ve ever been silenced or interrupted, it’s time.

For every time you’ve felt too intimidated or scared of being not liked if you spoke up, it’s time.

For every accomplishment you’ve glossed over out of modesty, it’s time.

For every moment you’ve played nice and swallowed your truth, it’s time.

For every time you’ve stayed quiet when you knew with every fiber of your being you should have spoken up, it’s time.

It’s time to claim your voice in any and all of these ways:

If you have something to say, say it. If interrupted, keep talking. If they tell you to be quiet, keep talking. If they call you a “Nasty Woman,” say “thank you” and keep talking. After being released from spending seven years in a military prison for leaking classified documents, Chelsea Manning faced an onslaught of pressure to shut up and go away. She refused. For her, the fact that everyone was telling her not to speak up was exactly the reason why she believed she should. Amen, sister.

Reclaim your time. I realized recently that I often hurry through my speech when giving a keynote or speaking on a panel because I don’t want to take up too much of people’s time. None of the men I’ve ever seen up on a podium or stage do this. They spread out their papers, stand or sit with a more open posture without worrying about taking up too much space, take a long, slow drink of water, and then once they finally start speaking, they take their sweet time. So I’m working on slowing down when I speak. In honor of Congresswoman Maxine Waters, let’s all reclaim our voice, our space, and our time.

Promote yourself. Studies show that women who are most proactive about making their achievements broadly known get ahead faster, make more money, and are happier overall with their careers. In Silicon Valley, for example, visibility was shown to be a top criterion for promotion to senior levels. Sadly, other studies tell us that women are highly reluctant to talk about their own accomplishments because of that deeply seeded modesty and that voice constantly whispering in our ear, “Don’t brag…it’s not becoming.” Here’s where we need to take a page from the playbook of men, who have no problem broadcasting their achievements. Close a big deal? Tweet it out. Get a promotion? Send an email to let people know and submit it to your main industry newsfeed so they can publish it. And don’t stop there: ask other people to share your good news, too. Anytime someone I admire and respect asks me to shout out the great things that happen to them, I’m happy to do it, and I’m guessing the people in your life will be, too.

Spit out the salty lemonade. Remember the study from Chapter One, where girls choked down salted lemonade because they didn’t want to make the researchers feel bad by telling them it was gross? Well, here we are as grown-up women and it’s time to spit that lemonade out. In other words, when someone tells you something that you know is wrong, call them out on it. If someone tries to intimidate you into seeing something their way, stand strong. When the cross-examining attorney tried to discredit Taylor Swift during her trial against a radio host who had grabbed her ass during a photo op, she was having none of it. Fielding insulting question after question, she shut him down like a boss. My favorite: When he pointed out, as though it was proof of his client’s innocence, that her skirt didn’t look as if it was disrupted in any way in the photo, she calmly replied, “That’s because my ass is located in the back of my body.” Articulate your agency. Like so many others, when I read the blog post accusing actor Aziz Ansari of sexual harassment for not picking up on his date’s “nonverbal cues,” I was upset and conflicted. Nearly every woman I know, myself included, has had an experience where someone said or did something that made us feel uncomfortable and we didn’t speak up. From the rude and inappropriate to the physically threatening, too many of us, like the woman who wrote the story, have found ourselves in a situation with a guy pressuring us to do something we didn’t want to do but didn’t overtly say no. Why didn’t she—or we—just get up and leave? Why didn’t we—or she—speak up? Because we’d never been taught how. No one told us it was okay to have the agency to say no, get off me, that was inappropriate, or fuck off. So I’m here to tell you it’s more than okay. It’s your right. The “me too” rage that’s been unleashed is the product of decades of pent-up frustration and buried shame from these moments. We’re marching with pitchforks to reclaim that power, and now we need to do it by bravely claiming our voice each and every time something like this happens. Time’s up, indeed.