فصل 23

23

JOSH

I had a fight with Mum before we left for the funeral. I came downstairs and she was there in the hallway, putting on lipstick in the mirror. She was wearing a red top. I said, You can’t wear that to a funeral, it’s disrespectful. She just kind of gave a funny laugh and went into the kitchen and carried on as though I hadn’t said anything at all. I wasn’t about to give up on it, though, because we don’t need any more attention drawn to us. The police are bound to be there—the police always show up at the funerals of people who die in suspicious ways. It’s bad enough that I’ve already lied to them, and that Mum did too—what are they going to think when they see her turning up dressed like she’s going to a party?

I followed her into the kitchen. She asked me if I wanted some tea, and I said no. I said I didn’t think she should be going to the funeral at all, and she said, why on earth not? You didn’t even like her, I said. Everyone knows you didn’t like her. She gave me this annoying smile and said, oh they do, do they? I said, I’m going because I’m Lena’s friend, and she said, no you’re not. Dad came downstairs and said, don’t say that, Lou. Of course he is. He said something to her, really quietly so I couldn’t hear, and she nodded and went upstairs.

Dad made me some tea, which I didn’t want, but I drank it anyway.

“Will the police be there, do you think?” I asked him, even though I knew the answer.

“I expect so. Mr. Townsend knew Nel, didn’t he? And, well—I imagine a number of people from the village will want to pay their respects, whether they knew her or not. I know . . . I know it’s complicated with us, but I think it’s right that we try to pull together, don’t you?” I didn’t say anything. “And you’ll want to see Lena, won’t you, to tell her how sorry you are. Imagine how poor Lena must be feeling.” I still didn’t say anything. He reached out to ruffle my hair, but I ducked away from him.

“Dad,” I said, “you know how the police asked about Sunday night, about where we were and all that?”

He nodded, but as he did I saw him look over my head to check Mum wasn’t listening. “You said you didn’t hear anything unusual, didn’t you?” he asked. I nodded. “You told the truth.”

I wasn’t sure whether he said, You told the truth? like a question, or You told the truth, like it was an instruction.

I wanted to say something, I wanted to say it out loud. I wanted to say, What if? What if she did something bad?, just so Dad could tell me how ridiculous I was being, so he could shout at me and say, How could you even think that?

I said, “Mum went to the shops.”

He looked at me like I was thick. “Yes, I know. She went to the shops that morning to get milk. Josh . . . Oh! There you go,” he said, looking over my shoulder. “There she is now. That’s better, isn’t it?”

She’d changed her red shirt to a black one.

It was better, but I was still scared of what was going to happen. I was scared that she’d say something, or that she’d laugh in the middle of the ceremony or something. She had a look at that moment that was really bugging me, not like she was happy or anything, it was more like . . . like the look she gives Dad when she wins an argument, like when she says, I told you it would have been quicker to take the A68. It was like she’d been proved right about something and she couldn’t get that winning look off her face.

• • •

WHEN WE GOT to the church there were already a lot of people milling around—that made me feel a bit better. I saw Mr. Townsend and I think he saw me, but he didn’t come over and say anything. He was just standing there, looking around, and then he stopped and watched as Lena and her aunt walked over the bridge. Lena looked really grown-up, different from how she normally is. Still pretty. As she walked past us she saw me and gave me a sad smile. I wanted to go over and give her a hug, but Mum was holding on to my hand really tightly so I couldn’t pull away.

I needn’t have worried about Mum laughing. When we got into the church she started crying, sobbing so loudly that other people turned around and looked. I wasn’t sure whether that made things better or worse.