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Wow! I cannot believe you guys got me to give you the Top-Secret Hollywood Secrets food chart! I am going to get in so much trouble!

Now, moving on to working out. You may not believe this, but some of the ways regular people stay in shape are actually the same here too! I’ve been told that non-Hollywood people run or walk outside or on a treadmill, attend classes, and do yoga. Well, we here in Hollywood also do those things. But in Hollywood, clinical trials have shown that you burn more calories if you run while being photographed by paparazzi. Also, spinning classes are proven to be more effective if you spin while being motivated (read “screamed at”) by someone who is ten years younger and ten times more attractive than you. Yoga must be done in a studio where the temperature is at least 411 degrees. Oh, and you should probably start working on your ensemble now for the workout class you have in three days. As a person, you are worthless without a high-fashion workout ensemble. These are the only basic differences between Hollywood and you.

Also, I’ve learned it’s not enough to just work out vigorously three to five times a week, because your body is smarter than you are and quickly adapts to any athletic activity you do repeatedly, rendering your efforts almost useless. To combat this, you must constantly change up your already vigorous routine so that you “trick” your body in order to keep it guessing. This sounds strange, I know. In fact, just this morning while I was driving to spin class I was thinking about how odd the concept is, and it occurred to me that BWAHAHAHAHA, the joke’s on YOU, Body, ’cause I was taking your ass to PILATES, ha! See what I did there?

A Japanese healer once told me that because I don’t breathe properly, most of the exercise I do does not even register with my physical self. Sometimes you have a body that just won’t quit. But in this case, I’m stuck with one that refuses to listen. Hollywood has taught me you must never relax with regard to your body—it is out to get you! You must stay at least one step ahead of your body at all times.

That makes no sense, you say. How are you supposed to do that? Guys, it’s all in the chart. I mean, come on.

But you all have personal trainers who do all the work for you! It’s not fair!

When I can, I work out with Michelle Lovitt, an incredible person who is an excellent trainer and friend. Michelle is positive and knowledgeable and encouraging and also happens to be a super babe. From Michelle, I’ve learned useful information: you have to be consistent, and it helps to wear a heart rate monitor to keep track of calories burned and make sure you’re in the fat-burning zone. Of course, it is enormously helpful to work out with a partner who knows her stuff, but as another trainer I know says: “We aren’t the dry cleaner—you can’t just do whatever you want during the off-hours and expect to pick up your clothes an hour later looking like new.” You are the clothes in this scenario—does that make sense? Maybe we need another chart?

I think part of our frustration/fascination in this arena is because we’re always holding out hope that there’s a secret combination of elements that will make something that isn’t easy a little easier: “I started putting lumps of grass-fed butter in my coffee and the pounds just melted away!” But I’m sorry to tell you that, in my experience, there’s no secret to accomplishing almost any goal worth pursuing.

And what is the goal exactly? To make it to the Smucker’s salute on the Today show? (Hi, Natalie!) My grandmother is turning ninety-six years old in a month, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything labeled “organic” in her refrigerator. She’s a woman of deep faith and intelligence—maybe we should try bottling that? (Someone call Shark Tank!)

I know it’s frustrating, but don’t despair. I have a few more Top-Secret Hollywood Secrets for you.

1. If you’re trying to lose weight, you’re going to be hungry most of the day, fairly cranky, and irritating to your friends—or maybe it’s your friends who are irritating; it’s hard to tell because you’re so hungry—and you need to be like this every day for about two weeks to see results.

2. I lost the most weight once right after a bad breakup, and then again while rehearsing a Broadway show. Try to arrange for these things to happen at the same time and then you’ll really be looking good!

3. Most successful diets involve eating very clean, healthy foods in small quantities, with very few carbohydrates, almost no sugar, very little alcohol, and a ton of physical activity. This combination appears in almost every diet book out there. You can combine foods, count points, or act like you are French, Greek, Spanish, or Beyoncé. While each diet varies slightly, I’ve read every single one of them and I can assure you they all have the above in common.

4. Bell-bottoms will go in and out of style every few years for the rest of your life. This is a bit off topic, but just another thing I keep meaning to tell you. They’ll change them just enough to make you think you need new ones. You do not. Keep the ones you already have.

Stars may or may not be just like us, but generally I’ve learned it’s a mistake to think anyone else has the answer to pretty much anything. When I hear Kim Kardashian lost her baby weight on Atkins, I’ll eat steak for three days straight until I remember that, oh yeah, I’ve tried this before and it didn’t make me feel that great. You have to find what works for you, not what works for someone else. I kept trying to be a vegan until I realized that part of my motivation was that I wanted to be able to go on the Ellen show and bond with her over it. I respect and adore Ellen so much, and she’s always been so supportive of me as an actor, writer, and producer. Because of her, I got to turn my novel Someday, Someday, Maybe into a pilot script for the CW, and I co-wrote another half-hour pilot for her company as well. She gave me opportunities I’d never had before, and it’s like I wanted to repay her by being more like her, which, if you think about it, is also the premise of the stalker movie Single White Female. It’s great to look up to people you admire, but you can’t make life decisions motivated by the hope that you’ll be invited to Ellen and Portia’s to eat lentils and watch Scandal.

Anyway, if you’re truly fed up and confused about all this, good news! For you, we have Soylent, a sludge-colored meal replacement concoction invented by people in Silicon Valley to enable them to cut out the pesky time that eating requires (lunch, pah—what a waste of brainpower!) and devote more time to creating new face-swapping apps. Meals including food? What are you, some sort of time-wasting East Coast pizza eater?

Every morning my father eats half a loaf of bread with butter, a giant smoothie, maybe an omelette with cheese, and then he has breakfast. I just want a piece of toast once in a while—is that so wrong?

Plus, I think it should be against the law to feel down on yourself regarding any issues that Oprah is still working on, and OPRAH IS STILL WORKING ON THIS ISSUE. She has rubbed elbows with heads of state and every celebrity in the universe, opened a school in Africa among other accomplishments, made millions of dollars, and helped scores of people live a better life, but, by her own admission, she is still working on diet-related topics. So to sum up: let’s all chillax about it and spend more time being kind to ourselves and doing truly useful things like trying to resuscitate words that were never cool, like chillax.

Good news! My accountant has just informed me that by imparting all these Top-Secret Hollywood Secrets to you, I’ve now saved you at least one zillion American dollars! Just make sure to mention me when you talk about it on the Today show (Hi, Kathie Lee and Hoda!).