فصل 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

Jess

Jesss grandmother had often said that the key to a happy life was a short memory. Admittedly, that was before she got dementia and used to forget where she lived, but Jess took her point. She had to forget about that money. She was never going to survive being stuck in a car with Mr. Nicholls if she let herself think too hard about what she had done. Marty used to tell her she had the worlds worst poker face her feelings floated across her features like reflections on a still pond. She would blurt out a confession within hours. Or she would go crazy with the tension and start plucking at bits of the upholstery with her fingernails.

She sat in the car and listened to Tanzie chatting, and she told herself she would find a way to pay it all back before he discovered what she had done. She would take it out of Tanzies winnings. She would work it out somehow. She told herself he was just a man who had offered them a lift and with whom she had to make polite conversation for a few hours a day.

And periodically she glanced behind her at the two kids and thought, What else could I have done?

It shouldnt have been hard to sit back and enjoy the ride. The country lanes were banked with wildflowers, and when the rain cleared, the clouds revealed skies the azure blue of 1950s postcards. Tanzie wasnt sick again, and with every mile they traveled from home she found her shoulders starting to inch downward from her ears. She saw now that it had been months since she had felt even remotely at ease. Her life these days held a constant underlying drumbeat of worry What were the Fishers going to do next? What was going on in Nickys head? What was she to do about Tanzie? And the grim bass percussion underneath it all Money. Money. Money.

“You okay? said Mr. Nicholls.

Hauled from her thoughts, Jess muttered, “Fine. Thanks. They nodded awkwardly at each other. He hadnt relaxed. It was obvious in his intermittently tightened jaw, the way his knuckles showed white on the steering wheel. Jess wasnt sure what on earth had been behind his decision to offer to drive, but she was pretty sure he had regretted it ever since.

“Um, is there any chance you could stop with the tapping?

“Tapping?

“Your feet. On the dashboard.

She looked at her feet.

“Its really distracting.

“You want me to stop tapping my feet.

He looked straight ahead through the windscreen. “Yes. Please.

She let her feet slide down, but she was uncomfortable, so after a moment she lifted them and tucked them under her on the seat. She rested her head on the window.

“Your hand.

“What?

“Your hand. Youre hitting your knee now.

She had been tapping it absentmindedly. “You want me to stay completely still while you drive.

“Im not saying that. But the tapping thing is making it hard for me to focus.

“You cant drive if Im moving any part of my body?

“Thats not it.

“What is it, then?

“Its tapping. I just find . . . tapping . . . irritating.

Jess took a deep breath. “Kids, nobody is to move. Okay? We dont want to irritate Mr. Nicholls.

“The kids arent doing it, he said mildly. “Its just you.

“You do fidget a lot, Mum.

“Thanks, Tanze. Jess clasped her hands in front of her. She sat and clenched her teeth and concentrated on staying still. She closed her eyes and cleared her mind of money, of Martys stupid car, of her worries for the children, letting them float away with the miles. And as the breeze from the open window rippled over her face and the music filled her ears, just briefly she felt like a woman in a different sort of life altogether.

—

They stopped for lunch at a pub somewhere outside Oxford, unfurling themselves and letting out little sighs of relief as they cracked joints and stretched cramped limbs. Mr. Nicholls disappeared into the pub and she sat on a picnic table and unpacked the sandwiches she had made hastily that morning when it turned out they were going to get a lift after all.

“Marmite, said Nicky, arriving back and peeling apart two slices of bread.

“I was in a rush.

“Have we got anything else?

“Jam.

He sighed, and reached into the bag. Tanzie sat on the end of the bench, already lost in maths papers. She couldnt read them in the car because it made her nauseated, so she wanted to take every opportunity to work. Jess watched her scribbling algebraic equations on her exercise book, lost in concentration, and wondered for the hundredth time where she had come from.

“Here, said Mr. Nicholls, arriving with a tray. “I thought we could all do with some drinks. He pushed two bottles of cola toward the kids. “I didnt know what you wanted, so I got a selection. He had bought a bottle of Italian beer, what looked like a half of cider, a glass of white wine, another cola, a lemonade and a bottle of orange juice. He had a mineral water. A small mountain of different-flavored crisps sat in the middle.

“You bought all that?

“There was a queue. I couldnt be bothered to come back out to ask.

“I—I havent got that much cash.

“Its a drink. Im not buying you a house.

And then his phone rang. He grabbed it and strode off across the car park, a palm pressed to the back of his neck, already talking as he went.

“Shall I see if he wants one of our sandwiches? Tanzie said.

Jess watched him, one hand thrust deep in a pocket, until he was out of sight. “Not just now, she said.

Nicky said nothing. When she asked him which bit hurt the most, he just muttered that he was fine.

“Itll get easier, Jess said, reaching out a hand. “Really. Well have this break, get Tanze sorted, and work out what to do. Sometimes you need time away to figure things out in your head. It makes everything clearer.

“I dont think whats in my head is the problem.

She gave him his painkillers, and watched him wash them down with cola.

Nicky took the dog off for a walk, his shoulders hunched, and his feet dragging. She wondered if he had cigarettes. He was out of sorts because his Nintendo had run out of charge some twenty miles back. Jess wasnt sure he knew what to do with himself when he wasnt surgically attached to a gaming device.

They watched him go in silence.

Jess thought of the way his few smiles had steadily grown fewer, of his watchfulness, the way he seemed like a fish out of water, pale and vulnerable, in the rare hours he was out of his bedroom. She thought of his face, resigned, expressionless, in that hospital. Who was it who had said you were only as happy as your unhappiest child?

Tanzie bent over her papers. “Im going to live somewhere else when Im a teenager, I think.

Jess looked at her. “What?

“I think I might live in a university. I dont really want to grow up near the Fishers. She scribbled a figure in her workbook, then rubbed out one digit, replacing it with a four. “They scare me a bit, she said quietly.

“The Fishers?

“I had a nightmare about them.

Jess swallowed. “You dont need to be scared of them, she said. “Theyre just stupid boys. What they did is what cowards do. Theyre nothing.

“They dont feel like nothing.

“Tanze, Im going to work out what to do about them, and were going to fix it. Okay? You dont need to have nightmares. Im going to fix it.

They sat in silence. The lane was silent, apart from the sound of a distant tractor. Birds wheeled overhead in the infinite blue. Mr. Nicholls was walking back slowly. He had straightened up, as if he had resolved something, and his phone was loose in his hand. Jess rubbed at her eyes.

“I think Ive finished the complex equations. Do you want to see?

Tanzie held up a page of numbers. Jess looked at her daughters lovely open face. She reached forward and straightened the glasses on Tanzies nose. “Yes, she said, her smile bright. “I would totally love to look at some complex equations.

—

It took two and a half hours to do the next leg of the journey. Mr. Nicholls took two calls during the journey, one from the woman called Gemma, which he cut off his ex-wife? and one that had obviously to do with his business. A woman with an Italian accent called just after they pulled into a petrol station, and at the words “Eduardo, baby, Mr. Nicholls ripped his phone from the hands-free holder and went and stood outside by the pump. “No, Lara, he said, turning away from them. “Weve discussed this . . . Well, your solicitor is wrong . . . No, calling me a lobster really isnt going to make any difference.

Nicky slept for an hour, his blue-black hair flopping over his swollen cheekbone, his face untroubled in sleep. Tanzie sang under her breath and stroked the dog. Norman slept, farted audibly several times, and slowly infused the car with his odor. Nobody complained. It actually masked the lingering smell of vomit.

“Do the kids need to grab some food? Mr. Nicholls said, as they finally drove into the suburbs of some large town. Huge, shining office blocks punctuated each half mile, their frontages bearing management- or technology-based names shed never heard of Accsys, Technologica, and Avanta. The roads were lined with endless stretches of car parks. Nobody walked.

“We could find a McDonalds. Theres bound to be loads of them around here.

“We dont eat McDonalds, she said.

“You dont eat McDonalds.

“No. I can say it again, if you like. We dont eat McDonalds.

“Vegetarian?

“No. Actually, could we just find a supermarket? Ill make sandwiches.

“McDonalds would probably be cheaper, if its about money.

“Its not about the money.

Jess couldnt tell him as a single parent, there were certain things she could not do. Which were basically the things that everyone expected a single parent to do claim benefits, smoke, live in council housing, feed your kids McDonalds. Some things she couldnt help, but others she could.

He let out a little sigh, his gaze fixed ahead. “Okay, well, we could find somewhere to stay and then see whether they have a restaurant attached.

“I had kind of planned wed just sleep in the car.

Mr. Nicholls pulled over to the side of the road and turned to face her. “Sleep in the car?

Embarrassment made her spiky. “We have Norman. No hotels going to take him. Well be fine in here.

He pulled out his phone and began tapping into a screen. “Ill find a dog-friendly place. Theres bound to be one somewhere, even if we have to drive a bit farther.

Jess could feel the color bleeding into her cheeks. “Actually, Id rather you didnt.

He kept tapping on the screen.

“Really. We . . . we dont have the money for hotel rooms.

Mr. Nichollss finger stilled on the phone. “Thats crazy. You cant sleep in my car.

“Its only a couple of nights. Well be fine. We would have slept in the Rolls. Its why I brought the duvets.

Tanzie watched from the rear seat.

“I have a daily budget. And Id like to stick to it. If you dont mind. Twelve pounds a day for food. Maximum.

He looked at her as if she were mad.

“Im not stopping you from getting a hotel, she added. She didnt want to tell him shed actually prefer it if he did.

“This is nuts, he said finally.

—

They drove the next few miles in silence. Mr. Nicholls had the air of a man who was quietly pissed off. In a weird way, Jess preferred it. And if Tanzie did as well as everyone seemed to think she would at the Olympiad, they could blow a little of her winnings on train tickets. The thought of ditching Mr. Nicholls made her feel so much better that she didnt say anything when he pulled into the Travel Inn.

“Ill be back in a minute, he said, and walked off across the car park. He took the keys with him, jangling them impatiently in his hand.

“Are we staying here? Tanzie said, rubbing at her eyes and looking around.

“Mr. Nicholls is. Were going to stay in the car. It will be an adventure! Jess said.

There was a brief silence.

“Yay, said Nicky.

Jess knew he was uncomfortable. But what else could she do? “You can stretch out in the back. Tanze and I will sleep in the front. It will be fine.

Mr. Nicholls walked back out, shielding his eyes against the early-evening sun. She realized he was wearing the exact same outfit she had seen him wear in the pub that night.

“They had one room left. A twin. You guys can take it. Ill see if theres somewhere else nearby.

“Oh no, she said. “I told you. I cant accept any more from you.

“Im not doing it for you. Im doing it for your kids.

“No, she said, trying to sound a little more diplomatic. “Its very kind of you, but well be fine out here.

He ran a hand through his hair. “You know what? I cant sleep in a hotel room knowing that theres a boy who just got out of a hospital sleeping in the backseat of a car twenty feet away. Nicky can have the other bed.

“No, she said reflexively.

“Why?

She couldnt say.

His expression darkened. “Im not a pervert.

“I didnt say you were.

“So why wont you let your son share a room with me? Hes as tall as I am, for Christs sake.

Jess flushed. “Hes had a tough time lately. I just need to keep an eye on him.

“Whats a pervert? said Tanzie.

“I could charge up my Nintendo, said Nicky from the backseat.

“You know what? This is a ridiculous discussion. Im hungry. I need to get something to eat. Mr. Nicholls poked his head in through the door. “Nicky, do you want to sleep in the car or in the hotel room?

Nicky looked sideways at Jess. “Hotel room. And Im not a pervert, either.

“Am I a pervert? said Tanzie.

“Okay, said Mr. Nicholls. “Heres the deal. Nicky and Tanzie sleep in the hotel room. You can sleep on the floor with them.

“But I cant let you pay for a hotel room for us, then make you sleep in the car. Besides, the dog will howl all night. He doesnt know you.

Mr. Nicholls rolled his eyes. He was clearly losing patience. “Okay, then. The kids sleep in the hotel room. You and I sleep in the car with the dog. Everyones happy. He didnt look happy.

“Ive never stayed in a hotel. Have I stayed in a hotel, Mum?

There was a brief silence. Jess could feel the situation sliding away from her.

“Ill mind Tanze, said Nicky. He looked hopeful. His face, where it wasnt bruised, was the color of putty. “A bath would be good.

“Would you read me a story?

“Only if it has zombies in it. Jess watched as Nicky half smiled at Tanzie.

“Okay, she said. And she tried to fight the wave of nausea at what she had just agreed to.

—

The mini-mart squatted in the shadow of a food distribution company, its windows bright with exclamation marks and offers of crispy fish bites and fizzy drinks. Jess bought rolls and cheese, crisps, and overpriced apples and made the kids a picnic supper, which they ate on the grassy slope around the car park. On the other side the traffic thundered past in a purple haze toward the south. She offered Mr. Nicholls some of their meal, but he peered at the contents of her bag and said thanks but hed eat in the restaurant.

Once he was out of sight, Jess relaxed. She set the kids up in their room, feeling faintly wistful that she wasnt in with them. It was on the ground floor, facing the car park. She had asked Mr. Nicholls to park as close to their window as possible, and Tanzie made her go outside three times, just so she could wave at Jess through the curtains and squash her nose sideways against the glass.

Nicky disappeared into the bathroom for an hour, the taps running. He came out, switched on the television, and lay on the bed, looking simultaneously exhausted and relieved.

Jess laid out his pills, got Tanzie bathed and into her pajamas, and warned them not to stay up too late. “And no smoking, she warned him. “Seriously.

“How can I? he said. “Youve got my stash.

Tanzie lay on her side, working her way through her maths books. Jess fed and walked the dog, sat in the passenger seat with the door open, ate a cheese roll, and waited for Mr. Nicholls to finish his meal.

It was a quarter past nine, and she was struggling to read a newspaper in the fading light when he appeared. He was holding a phone in a way that suggested he had just come off another call, and he seemed about as pleased to see her as she was him. He opened the door, climbed in, and shut it.

“Ive asked Reception to ring me if anyone cancels a booking. He stared ahead at the windscreen. “Obviously I didnt tell them Id be waiting in their car park.

Norman was lying on the tarmac, looking as if hed been dropped from a great height. She wondered whether she should bring him in. Without the children in the back, and with the encroaching darkness, it felt even odder to be in the car beside Mr. Nicholls.

“Are the kids okay?

“Theyre very happy. Thank you.

“Your boy looks pretty bashed up.

“Hell be all right.

There was a long silence. He looked at her. Then he put both hands on the wheel and leaned backward in his seat. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands and turned to face her. “Okay . . . so have I done something else to upset you?

“What?

“Youve acted all day like Im bugging you. I apologized for the thing in the pub the other night. Ive done what I can to help you out here. And yet still I get the feeling Ive done something wrong.

“You . . . you havent done anything wrong, she stammered.

He studied her for a minute. “Is this, like, a womans Theres nothing wrong when actually what you mean is that Ive done something massive and Im actually supposed to guess? And then you get really mad if I dont?

“No.

“You see, now I dont know. Because that no might be part of the womans Theres nothing wrong.

“Im not speaking in code. Theres nothing wrong.

“Then can we just ease up around each other a bit? Youre making me really uncomfortable.

“Im making you uncomfortable?

His head swiveled slowly toward her.

“Youve looked like you regretted offering us this lift since the moment we got into the car. In fact, since before we got in. Shut up, Jess, she warned herself. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. “Im not even sure why you did it.

“What?

“Nothing, she said, turning away. “Forget it.

He stared ahead of him out of the windscreen. He looked suddenly really, really tired.

“In fact, you could just drop us at a station tomorrow morning. We wont bother you anymore.

“Is that what you want? he said.

She drew her knees up to her chest. “It might be the best thing.

The skies darkened to pitch around them. Twice Jess opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Mr. Nicholls stared through the windscreen at the closed curtains of the hotel room, apparently deep in thought.

She thought of Nicky and Tanzie, sleeping peacefully on the other side, and wished she were with them. She felt sick. Why couldnt she have just pretended? Why couldnt she have been nicer? She was an idiot. She had blown it all again.

It had grown chill. Finally, she pulled Nickys duvet from the backseat and thrust it at him. “Here, she said.

“Oh. He looked at the huge picture of Super Mario. “Thanks.

She called the dog in, reclined her seat just far enough for it not to be touching him, and then she pulled Tanzies duvet over herself. “Good night. She stared at the plush interior a matter of inches from her nose, breathing in the new-car smell, her mind a jumble. How far away was the station? How much would the fare cost? They would have to pay for an extra days bed-and-breakfast somewhere, at least. And what was she going to do with the dog? She could hear Normans faint snore and thought grimly that she was damned if she would vacuum that rear seat now.

“Its half past nine. Mr. Nichollss voice broke into the silence.

Jess lay very still.

“Half. Past. Nine. He let out a deep sigh. “I never thought Id say it, but this is actually worse than being married.

“What, am I breathing too loud?

He opened his door abruptly. “Oh, for Christs sake, he said, and set off across the car park.

Jess pushed herself upright and watched him jogging across the road to the mini-mart, disappearing into its fluorescent-lit interior. He reappeared a few minutes later with a bottle of wine and a packet of plastic cups.

“Its probably awful, he said, climbing back into the drivers seat. “But right now I couldnt give a toss.

She gazed at the bottle.

“Truce, Jessica Thomas? Its been a long day. And a shitty week. And, spacious as it is, this car isnt big enough for two people who arent talking to each other.

He looked at her. His eyes were exhausted and stubble was starting to show through on his chin. It made him seem curiously vulnerable.

She took a cup from him. “Sorry. Im not used to people helping us out. It makes me . . .

“Suspicious? Crabby?

“I was going to say it makes me think I should get out more.

He let out a breath. “Right. He glanced down at the bottle. “Then lets—oh, for crying out loud.

“What?

“I thought it was a screw top. He stared at it as if it were just one more thing designed to annoy him. “Great. I dont suppose you have a bottle opener?

“No.

“You think theyll exchange it?

“Did you take the receipt?

He let out a deep sigh, which she interrupted. “No need, she said, taking it from him. She opened her door and climbed out. Normans head shot up.

“Youre not going to smash it into my windscreen?

“Nope. She peeled off the foil. “Take off your shoe.

“What?

“Take off your shoe. It wont work with flip-flops.

“Please dont use it as a glass. My ex did that once with a stiletto, and it was really, really hard pretending that champagne smelling of feet was an erotic experience.

She held out her hand. He finally took his shoe off and handed it to her. As he looked on, Jess placed the base of the wine bottle inside it and, holding the two together carefully, stood alongside the hotel and thumped them hard against the wall.

“I suppose theres no point me asking you what youre doing.

“Just give me a minute, she said through gritted teeth, and thumped again.

Mr. Nicholls shook his head slowly.

She straightened up and glared at him. “Youre more than welcome to suck the cork out, if youd rather.

He held up his hand. “No, no. You go ahead. Broken glass in my socks is exactly how I hoped to end tonight.

Jess checked the cork and thumped again. And there—a centimeter of it protruded from the neck of the bottle. Thump. Another centimeter. She held it carefully, gave it one more thump, and there it was she pulled the rest of the cork gently from the neck and handed it to him.

He stared at it, and then at her. She handed him back his shoe.

“Wow. Youre a useful woman to know.

“I can also put up shelves, replace rotting floorboards, and make a fan belt out of a tied stocking.

“Really?

“Not the fan belt. She climbed into the car and accepted the plastic cup of wine. “I tried it once. It shredded before wed got thirty yards down the road. Total waste of Marks & Spencer opaques. She took a sip. “And the car stank of burned tights for weeks.

Behind them, Norman whimpered in his sleep.

“Truce, Mr. Nicholls said, and held up his cup.

“Truce. Youre not going to drive afterward, are you? she said, holding up her own.

“I wont if you wont.

“Oh, very funny.

And suddenly the evening became a little easier.