فصل 25

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Jess

Ed lay propped against the pillows, watching her do her makeup, painting over the bruises on her face with a little tube of concealer. She had just about covered the blue one on her temple where her head had bounced off the air bag. But her nose was purple, the skin stretched tight over a bump that hadnt been there before, and her upper lip bore the swollen, oversized look of a woman who had ill-advisedly indulged in backstreet plastic surgery. “You look like someone punched you in the nose.

Jess rubbed her finger gently over her mouth. “So do you.

“It did. My own car, thanks to you.

She tilted her head, gazing at his reflection behind her. He had this slow, lopsided grin, and his chin was a giant bristly shadow. She couldnt not smile back.

“Jess, Im not sure theres really any point trying to cover it. Youre going to look bashed up whatever you do.

“I thought Id tell your parents, sorrowfully, that I walked into a door. Maybe with a bit of a furtive sideways look at you.

He let out a sigh and stretched, closing his eyes. “If thats the worst they think of me by the end of today, I suspect Ill be doing quite well.

She gave up on her face, and shut her makeup bag. He was right short of spending the day pressed against an ice pack, there was little she could do to make it look less battered. She ran a speculative tongue over her sore upper lip. “I cant believe I didnt feel this when we were . . . well, last night.

Last night.

She turned and crawled up the bed until she was lying full length alongside him, luxuriating in the feel of him against her. She couldnt believe that they had not even properly met each other a week previously. He opened his eyes, sleepily, reached out, and toyed lazily with a lock of her hair.

“Thatll be the sheer power of my animal magnetism.

“Or the two joints and a bottle and a half of Merlot.

He hooked his arm around her neck and pulled her into him. She closed her eyes briefly, breathing in the scent of his skin. He smelled pleasingly of sex. “Be nice, he growled softly. “Im a bit broken today.

“Ill run you a bath. She traced the mark on his head where it had hit the car door. They kissed, long and slow and sweet, and it raised a possibility.

“Are you okay?

“Never felt better. He opened one eye.

“No. About lunch.

He looked briefly serious, and let his head fall back on the pillow. She regretted mentioning it. “No. But I guess Ill feel better when its done.

—

She sat in the loo, agonizing in private, then rang Marty at a quarter to nine and told him she had something to sort out and that she would now pick the children up between three and four. She didnt ask. From now on, she had decided, she was just going to tell him how it was going to be. He put Tanzie on the phone, and she wanted to know how Norman had coped without her. The dog was stretched out in front of the fire, like a three-dimensional rug. She wasnt entirely sure hed moved in twelve hours, besides to eat breakfast.

“He survived. Just.

“Dad said hes going to make bacon sandwiches. And then we might go to the park. Just him and me and Nicky. Linzies taking Suze to ballet. She has ballet lessons twice a week.

“That sounds great, Jess said. She wondered whether being able to sound cheerful about things that made her want to kick something was her superpower.

“Ill be back some time after three, she said to Marty, when he came back on the phone. “Please make sure Tanzie wears her coat.

“Jess, he said, as she was about to ring off.

“What?

“Theyre great. The pair of them. I just—

Jess swallowed. “After three. Ill ring if Im going to be any later.

—

She walked the dog and when she returned, Ed was up and breakfasted. They drove the hour to his parents house in silence. He had shaved and changed his T-shirt twice, even though they were both exactly the same. She sat beside him and said nothing, and felt, with the morning and the miles, the intimacy of the previous evening slowly seep away. Several times she opened her mouth to speak and then found she didnt know what to say. She felt as if someone had peeled a layer of skin off her, leaving all her nerve endings exposed. Her laugh was too loud, her movements unnatural and self-conscious. She felt as if she had been asleep for a million years and someone had just blasted her awake.

What she really wanted to do was touch him, to rest a hand on his thigh. And yet she wasnt sure whether, now that they were out of the bedroom and in the unforgiving light of day, that was appropriate. She wasnt entirely sure what he thought had taken place.

Jess lifted her bruised foot and placed the bag of refrozen peas back onto it. Taking it off and putting it back on again.

“You okay?

“Fine. She had mostly done it for something to do. She smiled fleetingly at him and he smiled back.

She thought about leaning across and kissing him. She thought about running her finger lightly along the back of his neck so that he would look over at her like he had the previous night. About undoing her seat belt and edging across the front seat and forcing him to pull over, just so she could take his mind off things for another twenty minutes. And then she remembered Nathalie, who, three years previously, in an effort to be impulsive, had given Dean a surprise blow job while he was driving his truck. He had yelled, “What the hell do you think youre doing? and plowed straight into the back of a Mini Metro, and before hed had a chance to do himself up, Nathalies aunt Doreen had come running out of the supermarket to see what had happened. She had never looked at Nathalie in quite the same way again.

So maybe not. As they drove she kept stealing looks at him. She found she couldnt see his hands without picturing them on her skin, and then that soft mop of hair traveling slowly down her bare stomach. Oh, God. She crossed her legs and stared out of the window.

But Eds mind was elsewhere. He had grown quieter, the muscle in his jaw tightening, his hands a fraction too fixed on the wheel.

She turned to the front, adjusted the frozen peas, and thought about trains. And lampposts. And Maths Olympiads. They drove on in silence, their thoughts humming like twin wheels.

—

Eds parents lived in a gray stone Victorian house at the end of a terrace, the kind of street where neighbors try to outdo each other with the neatness of their window boxes. Ed pulled up, let the engine tick down. He didnt move.

Almost without thinking, she reached out and touched his hand. He turned to her as if hed forgotten she was there. “You sure you dont mind coming in with me?

“Of course not, she stuttered.

“Im really grateful. I know you wanted to get the kids.

She rested her hand on his briefly. “Its fine.

They walked up the path, and Ed paused, then knocked sharply on the front door. They glanced at each other, smiled awkwardly, and waited. And waited some more.

After about thirty seconds, he knocked again, louder this time. And then he crouched to peer through the letter box.

He straightened up and reached for his phone. “Odd. Im sure Gem said the lunch was today. Let me check. He flicked through some messages, nodded, then knocked again.

“Im pretty sure if anyone was there they would have heard, Jess said. The thought occurred, in passing, that it would be quite nice just for once to walk up to a house and have a clue what was happening on the other side of the door.

They startled at the stuttering sound of a sash window being raised above their heads. Ed took a step back and peered up at next door.

“Is that you, Ed?

“Hi, Mrs. Harris. Im after my parents. Any idea where they are?

The woman grimaced. “Oh, Ed dear, theyve gone to the hospital. Im afraid your father took ill again early this morning.

Ed put his hand up to his eyes. “Which hospital?

She hesitated. “The Royal, dear. Its about four miles away if you head for the dual motorway. You want to go left at the end of the road—

“Its okay, Mrs. Harris. I know where it is. Thank you.

“Give him our best, she called, and Jess heard the window being pulled down. Ed was already opening the car door.

—

They reached the hospital in a matter of minutes. Jess didnt speak. She had no idea what to say. At one point she ventured, “Well, at least theyll be glad to see you. But it was a stupid thing to say and he was so deep in thought that he didnt seem to hear. He gave his fathers name at the information desk and the receptionist ran a finger down her screen. “You know where Oncology is, yes? she added, looking up from her screen.

They entered a steel lift and traveled up two floors. Ed gave his name on the intercom, cleaned his hands with the antibacterial lotion by the wards door, and, when the doors finally clicked open, she followed him through.

A woman walked down the hospital corridor toward them. She was wearing a felt skirt and colored tights. Her hair was cut in a short, feathery style.

“Hey, Gem, he said, slowing as she drew near.

The woman looked at him, disbelieving. Her jaw dropped, and for a moment Jess thought she was going to say something.

“Its good to s— he began. From nowhere, the womans hand shot out, smacking Ed across the face. The sound actually echoed down the corridor.

Ed staggered backward, clutching his cheek. “What the—

“You fucking wanker, she said. “You fucking, fucking wanker.

The two of them stared at each other, Ed lowering his hand as if to check for blood.

She shook her hand, looking quite surprised at herself, and then after a moment, held it gingerly toward Jess. “Hello, Im Gemma.

Jess hesitated, then shook it carefully. “Um . . . Jess.

Gemma frowned. “The one with a child in need of urgent help.

When Jess nodded, Gemma looked her up and down slowly. Her smile was weary, rather than unfriendly. “Yes, I rather thought you might be. Right. Mums down the end, Ed. Youd better come and say hello.

—

“Is he here? Is it Ed? The womans hair was gunmetal gray, pinned up in a neat twist. “Oh, Ed! It is you. Oh, darling. How lovely. But what have you done to yourself?

He hugged her, then pulled back, ducking his face when she tried to touch his nose, and giving Jess the swiftest sideways look. “I . . . I walked into a door.

She pulled him close again, patting his back. “Oh, it is so good to see you.

He let her hold him for a minute, then gently disentangled himself. “Mum, this is Jess.

“Im . . . Eds friend.

“Well, how lovely to meet you. Im Anne. Her gaze traveled briefly over Jesss face, taking in her bruised nose, the faint swelling on her lip. She hesitated just a moment, then perhaps decided not to ask. “Im afraid I cant say Eds told me an awful lot about you, but he never does tell me an awful lot about anything, so Im very much looking forward to hearing it from you. She put her hand on Eds arm and her smile wavered a little. “We did have a rather nice lunch planned but . . .

Gemma took a step closer to her mother and began rummaging around in her handbag. “But Dad was taken ill again.

“He was so looking forward to this lunch. We had to put Simon and Deirdre off. They were just setting out from the Peak District.

“Im sorry, Jess said.

“Yes. Well. Nothing to be done. She seemed to pull herself together. “You know, it really is the most revolting disease. I have to work quite hard not to take it all personally. She leaned into Jess with a rueful smile. “Sometimes I go into our bedroom and I call it the most dreadful names. Bob would be horrified.

Jess smiled back at her. “Ill give it a few from me, if you like.

“Oh, please do! That would be wonderful. The filthier, the better. And loud. It has to be loud.

“Jess can do loud, Ed said, dabbing at his lip.

There was a short silence.

“I bought a whole salmon, Anne said to nobody in particular.

Jess could feel Gemma studying her. Unconsciously she pulled at her T-shirt, not wanting her tattoo to show above her jeans. The words “social worker always made her feel scrutinized.

And then Anne moved past her and was holding out her arms. The hungry way she pulled Ed to her again made Jess wince a little. “Oh, darling. Darling boy. I know Im being a terribly clingy mum but do indulge me. It really is so lovely to see you. He hugged her back, his eyes raising to Jesss briefly, guiltily.

“My mother last hugged me in 1997, murmured Gemma. Jess wasnt sure she was aware that she had said it out loud.

“Im not sure mine ever did, Jess said.

Gemma looked at her. “Um . . . about the whole whacking-my-brother thing. Hes probably told you what I do for a living. I just feel obliged to stress that I dont usually hit people.

“I dont think brothers count.

There was a sudden flicker of warmth behind Gemmas eyes. “Thats a very sensible rule.

“No problem, Jess said. “Anyway, Ive wanted to do it quite often myself over the past few days.

—

Bob Nicholls lay in a hospital bed, a blanket up to his chin and his hands resting gently on its surface. His skin held a waxy, yellow pallor and the bones of his skull were almost visible beneath it. His head turned slowly toward the door as they entered. An oxygen mask sat on a bedside table, and two faint indents on his cheek told of its recent use. He was painful to look at.

“Hey, Dad.

Jess watched Ed struggle to hide his shock. He stooped toward his father and hesitated before touching him lightly on the shoulder.

“Edward. His voice was a croak

“Doesnt he look well, Bob? said his mother.

His father studied him from under shadowed lids. When he spoke, it was slowly, and with deliberation.

“No. He looks like someone beat the living daylights out of him.

Jess could see the new color on Eds cheekbone where his sister had hit him. She found herself reaching unconsciously toward her injured lip.

“Wheres he been, anyway?

“Dad, this is Jess.

His fathers eyes slid toward her, his eyebrow lifting a quarter of an inch. “And what the hell happened to your face? he whispered to her.

“I had an argument with a car. My fault.

“Is that what happened to him?

“Yes.

He regarded her for a moment longer. “You look like trouble, he said. “Are you trouble?

Gemma leaned forward. “Dad! Jess is Eds friend.

He dismissed her. “If theres one small advantage to having very little time left, then surely its that I can say whatever I like. She doesnt look offended. Are you offended? Im sorry, Ive forgotten your name. I dont seem to have any brain cells anymore.

“Jess. And no, Im not offended.

He kept staring.

“And, yes, I probably am trouble, she said, holding his gaze.

His smile was slow to arrive, but when it came, she could imagine, fleetingly, how he must have looked before he got ill. “Glad to hear it. I always liked girls who were trouble. And this one has been head down in front of a computer for far too long.

“How are you, Dad?

Bob Nicholls blinked. “Im dying.

“Were all dying, Dad, Gemma said.

“Dont give me your social-worker sophistry. I am dying uncomfortably and rapidly. I have few faculties left, and very little dignity. I will probably not make the end of the cricket season. Does that answer your question?

“Im sorry, Ed said quietly. “Im sorry I havent been by.

“Youve been busy.

“About that . . . , Ed began. His hands were thrust deep in his pockets. “Dad. I need to tell you something. I need to tell you all something.

Jess stood up hurriedly. “Why dont I go and get us some sandwiches? Leave you to talk.

Jess could feel Gemma studying her. “Ill get drinks, too. Tea? Coffee?

Bob Nichollss head turned toward her. “Youve only just got here. Stay.

Her eyes met Eds. He gave a tiny shrug.

“What is it, dear? His mother put a hand out to him. “Are you all right?

“Im fine. Well. Im sort of fine. I mean Im healthy. But . . . He swallowed. “No, Im not fine. Theres something I have to tell you.

“What? Gemma said.

“Okay. He took a deep breath. “Well, here it is.

“What? said Gemma. “Jesus, Ed. What?

“Im being investigated for insider trading. Ive been suspended from my company. Next week I have to go to a police station where I will in all likelihood be charged and I may go to prison.

To say the room fell silent was an understatement. It was as if someone had come in and sucked out all the available air. Jess thought she might pass out.

“Is this a joke? said his mother.

“No.

“I really could go and get some tea, Jess said.

Nobody paid her any attention. Eds mother sat down slowly on a plastic chair.

“Insider trading? Gemma was the first to speak. “This—thats serious, Ed.

“Yeah. I do get that, Gem.

“Actual insider trading, like you see on the news?

“Thats the one.

“Hes got good lawyers, Jess said.

Nobody seemed to hear.

“Expensive ones.

His mothers hand had risen halfway to her mouth. She lowered it slowly. “I dont understand. When did this happen?

“A month or so ago. The insider-trading bit, anyway.

“A month ago? But why didnt you tell us? We could have helped you.

“You couldnt, Mum. Nobody can help.

“But prison? Like a criminal? Anne Nicholls had gone quite pale.

“I think if youre sent to prison, you pretty much are a criminal, Mum.

“Well, theyll have to sort it out. Theyll see that theres been some kind of mistake, but theyll sort it out.

“No, Mum. Im not sure its going to work out like that.

There was another long silence.

“Are you going to be all right?

“Ill be fine. As Jess said, I have good lawyers. I have resources. They have already established that there was no financial gain for me.

“You didnt even make money out of it?

“It was a mistake.

“A mistake? said Gemma. “I dont get it. How do you do insider trading by mistake?

Ed straightened his shoulders and looked at her. He took a breath, and his gaze flickered toward Jess. And then he looked up at the ceiling. “Well, I had sex with a woman. I thought I liked her. And then I realized she wasnt who I thought she was and I sort of wanted her to go away without it all getting messy. And what she wanted to do was travel. So I made a snap decision and told her a way I thought she could make a little extra money to pay off her debts and go traveling.

“You gave her inside information.

“Yup. On SFAX. Our big product launch.

“Jesus Christ. Gemma shook her head. “I cant believe Im hearing this.

“And my name hasnt come out in the press yet. But it will. He put his hands into his pockets and looked steadily at his family. Jess wondered if only she could detect that his hand was shaking. “So . . . um . . . thats why I havent been home. I was hoping I could keep it from you, maybe even sort it out so that you didnt have to know anything about it. But it turns out thats going to be impossible. And I wanted to say Im sorry. I should have told you right away, and I should have spent more time here. But I . . . I didnt want you to know the truth. I didnt want you to see what a mess Id made of everything.

Jesss right leg had begun to jiggle involuntarily. She concentrated on a really interesting floor tile and tried to make her leg stop. When she finally looked up, Ed was staring at his father. “Well?

“Well what?

“Youre not going to say anything?

Bob Nicholls lifted his head slowly from his pillow. “What do you want me to say?

Ed and his dad stared at each other.

“You want me to say youve been an idiot? Ill say youve been an idiot. You want me to say youve ballsed up a brilliant career? Ill say that, too.

“Bob . . .

“Well, what do you— Abruptly, he started to cough, a hollow, rasping sound. Anne and Gemma lurched forward to help him, handing over tissues, glasses of water, fussing and clucking like a pair of hens.

Ed was standing at the foot of his fathers bed.

“Prison? his mother said again. “Actual prison prison?

“Sit down, Mum. Deep breaths. Gemma steered her mother into a chair.

Nobody moved toward Ed. Why didnt somebody hug him? Why could they not see how alone he felt right at that minute?

“Im sorry, he said quietly.

Jess could bear it no longer. “Can I say something? She heard her voice, clear and slightly too loud. “I just want to tell you that Ed helped my two children when I couldnt. He drove us the length of the country, because we were desperate. As far as Im concerned, your son is . . . wonderful.

They all looked up. Jess turned to his father. “Hes kind, smart, and clever, even if I dont agree with all the things he does. Hes nice to people he barely knows. Insider trading or no, if my son turns out as half the man your son is, then Ill be very happy. More than happy. Ill be ecstatic.

They were all staring at her.

She added “And I thought that even before I had sex with him.

Nobody spoke. Ed stared fixedly at his feet.

“Well, Anne gave a faint nod, “thats, er, thats—

“Enlightening, said Gemma.

Annes voice trailed away. “Oh, Edward.

Bob sighed and closed his eyes. “Lets not get all Hollywood about this. He opened them again and signaled for the head of the bed to be raised a little. “Come here, Ed. Where I can see you. Wretched eyesight. He motioned for the glass again and his wife held it to his lips.

He swallowed painfully, then tapped the side of his bed, so that Ed sat down on it. He reached out a hand and rested it lightly on his sons. He was unbearably frail. “Youre my son, Ed. You might be idiotic and irresponsible, but it doesnt make the slightest difference to what I feel about you. He frowned. “Im pissed off that you could have thought it would.

“Im sorry, Dad.

His father gave a slow shake of his head. “Im afraid I cant be much help. Stupid, breathless . . . He pulled a face, then swallowed painfully. His hand tightened around Eds. “We all make mistakes. Go and take your punishment, then come back and start again.

Ed looked up at him.

“Do even better next time. I know you can.

It was at that point that Anne started to cry, helpless tears that she buried in her sleeve. Bob turned his head slowly toward her. “Oh, darling, he said softly. And that was when Jess opened the door silently and slid out.

—

She put some credit on her phone in the hospital shop, texted Ed to say where she was, and waited in A and E to get her foot looked at. Badly bruised, said a young Polish doctor, who didnt bat an eyelid when she told him how she had done it. He strapped it up, wrote a prescription for painkillers, handed her back her flip-flop, and advised her to rest. “Try not to kick any more cars, he said without looking up from his clipboard.

Jess hobbled back upstairs to Victoria Ward, sat on one of the plastic chairs in the corridor, and waited. It was warm and the people around her spoke in whispers. She may have nodded off briefly. She woke abruptly when Ed emerged from his fathers room. She held out his jacket and he took it without a word. A moment later Gemma appeared in the corridor. His sister put her hand gently to the side of his face. “You bloody idiot.

His head dipped, hands shoved deep in his pockets, like Nicky.

“You stupid bloody stupid idiot. Call me.

He pulled back. His eyes were red rimmed.

“I mean it. Ill come with you to court. I might know some people in probation who could help get you into an open prison. I mean, youre not going to be category A, as long as you havent done anything else. Her eyes flickered toward Jess and back to him. “You havent done anything else, right?

He leaned forward and hugged her, and maybe it was only Jess who noticed the way his eyes closed really tightly when he pulled away.

—

They emerged from the hospital into the luminous white of a spring day. Real life, inexplicably, seemed to have continued regardless. Cars reversed into spaces too small, strollers were disgorged from buses, a workmans radio blared as he painted a nearby railing. Jess found herself taking deep breaths, grateful to be away from the stale, medical air of the ward, the almost tangible specter of death that hung over Eds father. Ed walked and looked straight ahead. He paused when they reached his car and unlocked it with an audible clunk. Then he stopped. It was as if he couldnt move. He stood there, one arm slightly outstretched, staring blankly at his car.

Jess waited for a minute, and then she walked slowly around it. She took the key from his hand. And finally, when his gaze slid toward her, she slid her arms tight around his waist and held him until his head came slowly down to rest, a soft deadweight upon her shoulder.