فصل 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Ed

So these were the things Ed discovered about Jessica Thomas, once shed had a drink or two actually, four or five and stopped being chippy

One, the boy wasnt actually her kid. He was the son of her ex and her exs ex, and given that both of them had effectively walked out on him, she was pretty much the only person he had left. “Kind of you, he said.

“Not really, she said. “Nicky is as good as mine. Hes been with me since he was eight. He looks out for Tanzie. And besides, families are different shapes now, right? The defensive way she said it made him think she had had this conversation many times before.

Two, the little girl was ten. He did some mental arithmetic, and Jess cut in before he said a word.

“Seventeen.

“Thats . . . young.

“I was a wild kid. I knew everything. I actually knew nothing. Marty came along, I dropped out of school, and then I got pregnant. I wasnt always going to be a cleaner, you know. My mum was a teacher. Her gaze had slid toward him, as if she knew this fact would shock.

“Okay.

“Retired now. She lives in Cornwall. We dont really get on. She doesnt agree with what she calls my life choices. I never could explain that once you have a baby at seventeen, there are no choices.

“Not even now?

“Nope. She twisted a lock of hair between her fingers. “Because you never quite catch up. Your friends are at college, youre at home with a tiny baby. You havent even had time to think about what your ambitions might be. Your friends are starting their careers, youre down at the housing office trying to find somewhere to live. Your friends are buying their first cars and houses and youre trying to find a job that you can fit round child care. And all the jobs you can fit round school hours have really crappy wages. And that was before the economy went splat. Oh, dont get me wrong. I dont regret having Tanzie, not for a minute. And I dont regret taking Nicky on. But if I had my time again, sure, Id have had them after I had done something with my life. It would be nice to be able to give them . . . something better.

She hadnt bothered to put the seat back up while she told him this. She lay propped on her elbow facing him under the duvet and her bare feet rested on the dashboard. Ed found he didnt mind them so much.

“You could still have a career, he said. “Youre young. I mean . . . you could get an after-school nanny or something?

She actually laughed. A great seal bark, “Ha! Her laugh was big, abrupt, and awkward, at odds with her size and shape. She sat bolt upright and took a swig of her wine. “Yeah. Right, Mr. Nicholls. Sure I could.

Three, she liked fixing things. She sometimes wondered if she could have made that her career. She did odd jobs around the council estate, from rewiring plugs to tiling peoples bathrooms. “I did everything around the house. Im good at making stuff. I can even block-print wallpaper.

“You make your own wallpaper?

“Dont look at me like that. Its in Tanzies room. I made her clothes, too, until recently.

“Are you actually from the Second World War? Do you save jam jars and string, too?

“So what did you want to be?

“What I was, he said. And then he realized he didnt want to talk about it and changed the subject.

Four, she had seriously tiny feet. As in she bought child-sized shoes. Apparently they were cheaper. After shed said this he had to stop himself from sneaking looks at her feet like some kind of weirdo.

Five, before shed had children, she could drink four double vodkas in a row and still walk a straight line. “Yup, I could hold my drink. Obviously not enough to remember birth control.

She almost never drank at home. “When Im working at the pub and someone offers me one, I just take the cash. And when Im at home, I worry that something might happen to the kids and Ill need to be together. She stared out of the window. “Now I think about it, this is the closest thing Ive had to a night out in . . . five months.

“A man who shut a door in your face, two bottles of rot-gut wine, and a car park.

“Im not knocking it.

She didnt explain what made her worry so much about the kids. He thought back to Nickys face and decided not to ask.

Six, she had a scar under her chin from when shed fallen off a bike and a piece of gravel had been lodged in it for two whole weeks. She tried to show him, but the light in the car wasnt strong enough. She also had a tattoo on the base of her spine. “A proper tramp stamp, according to Marty. He wouldnt talk to me for two whole days after I got it. She paused. “I think thats probably why I got it.

Seven, her middle name was Rae. She had to spell it out every single time.

Eight, she didnt mind cleaning, but she really, really hated people treating her as if she were “just a cleaner. He had the grace to color a little here.

Nine, she hadnt had a date in the two years since her ex had left.

“You havent had sex for two and a half years?

“I said he left two years ago.

“Its a reasonable calculation.

She pushed herself upright and gave him a sideways look. “Three and a half, actually. If were counting. Apart from one, um, episode last year. And you dont have to look so shocked.

“Im not shocked, he said, and tried to rearrange his face. He shrugged. “Three and a half years. I mean, its only, what, a quarter of your adult life? No time at all.

“Yeah. Thanks for that. And then he wasnt sure what happened, but something in the atmosphere changed. She mumbled something that he couldnt make out, pulled her hair into another ponytail—she tied her hair back for no reason when she felt nervous, he noticed, as if she needed to be doing something—and said maybe it was really time for them to be getting some sleep.

Ed thought he would lie awake for ages. There was something oddly unsettling about being in a darkened car just an arms length from an attractive woman you had just shared two bottles of wine with. Even if she was huddled under a SpongeBob SquarePants duvet. He looked out of the sunroof at the stars, listened to the lorries rumbling toward London, and thought that his real life—the one with his company and his office and the never-ending hangover of Deanna Lewis—was now a million miles away.

“Still awake?

He turned his head, wondering if shed been watching him. “No.

“Okay, came the murmur from the passenger seat. “Truth game.

He raised his eyes to the roof. “Go on, then.

“You first.

He couldnt come up with anything.

“You must be able to think of something.

“Okay, why are you wearing flip-flops?

“Thats your question?

“Its freezing out. Its been the coldest, wettest spring since records began. And youre wearing flip-flops.

“Does it bug you that much?

“I just dont understand it. Youre obviously cold.

She pointed a toe. “Its spring.

“So?

“So. Its spring. Therefore the weather will get better.

“Youre wearing flip-flops as an expression of faith.

“If you like.

He couldnt think of how to reply to this.

“Okay, my turn.

He waited.

“Did you think about driving off and leaving us this morning?

“No.

“Liar.

“Okay. Maybe a bit. Your neighbor wanted to smash my head in with a baseball bat and your dog smells really bad.

“Pfft. Any excuse.

He heard her shift in the seat. Her feet disappeared under the duvet. Her hair smelled of coconut.

“So why didnt you?

He thought for a minute before he responded. Perhaps it was because he couldnt see her face. Perhaps the drink and the late hour had lowered his defenses, because he wouldnt normally have answered like he did. “Because Ive done some stupid stuff lately. And maybe some part of me just wanted to do something I could feel good about.

Ed thought she was going to say something. He sort of hoped she would. But she didnt.

He lay there for a few minutes, gazing out at the sodium lights and listening to Jessica Rae Thomass breathing and thought how much he missed just sleeping near another person. Most days he felt like the loneliest man on the planet. He thought about those tiny feet and polished toenails and realized he had probably had too much to drink. Dont be an idiot, Nicholls, he told himself, and turned so that he had his back to her.

And then he must have fallen asleep, because suddenly it was cold and pale gray outside and his arm was numb and he was so groggy that it took two whole minutes to figure out that the banging he could hear was the security guard knocking on the drivers window to tell them they couldnt sleep there.