فصل 37

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

Jess

Norman came home. “Its time for us to say good-bye to our old hero, isnt it, old chap? the vet said, patting Normans side. The way he spoke to him, and the way that Norman immediately flopped to the ground for a tummy scratch, made Jess think this was not the first time hed done it. As the vet dropped right down onto the floor, she caught a glimpse of the man beyond the careful professional manner. His broad smile, the way his eyes crinkled when he looked at the dog. And she heard Nickys phrase running through her head, as it had done for days the kindness of strangers.

“Im glad you made the decision you did, Mrs. Thomas, he said, pushing himself back onto his feet while they diplomatically ignored the pistol crack of his knees. Norman stayed on his back, his tongue lolling, ever hopeful. Or perhaps just too fat to get up. “He deserved his chance. If Id known how his injuries had come about, I would have been a bit less reticent about proceeding.

Tanzie stayed pressed close to Normans enormous black body as they lumbered home, his lead wrapped twice around her fist. The walk from the vets was the first time she had been outside in three weeks that she hadnt insisted on holding Jesss hand.

Jess had hoped that having him back would lift her daughters spirits. But Tanzie was still a little shadow, tailing her silently around the house, peering around corners, waiting anxiously beside her form teacher at the end of the day for Jesss arrival at the school gates. At home she read in her room or lay silently on the sofa watching cartoons, one hand resting on the dog beside her. Mr. Tsvangarai had been off since term restarted—a family emergency—and Jess felt a reflexive sadness when she pictured him discovering Tanzies determination to push mathematics from her life, the disappearance of the singular, quirky little girl shed been. Sometimes she felt as if she had simply traded one unhappy, silent child for another.

St. Annes rang to discuss Tanzies orientation day at the school, and Jess had to tell them that she wasnt coming. The words were a squat dry frog in her throat.

“Well, we do recommend it, Mrs. Thomas. We find the children settle a lot better if theyve familiarized themselves a little. Its good for her to meet a few fellow pupils as well. Is it a problem with getting time off from her current school?

“No. I mean she—shes not coming.

“At all?

“No.

A short silence.

“Oh, said the registrar. Jess heard her flicking through papers. “But this is the little girl with the ninety percent scholarship, yes? Costanza?

She felt herself color. “Yes.

“Is she going to Petersfield Academy instead? Did they offer her a scholarship, too?

“No. Thats not it, Jess replied. She closed her eyes as she spoke. “Look, I dont suppose . . . Is there any way you could . . . increase the scholarship any further?

“Further? She sounded taken aback. “Mrs. Thomas, it was already the most generous scholarship weve ever offered. Im sorry, but theres no question.

Jess pressed on, glad that nobody could see her shame. “If I could get the money together by next year, would you consider deferring her place?

“Im not sure whether that would be possible. Or even if it would be fair to the other candidates. She hesitated, perhaps suddenly conscious of Jesss silence. “But of course wed certainly look at her favorably if ever she did want to reapply.

Jess stared at the spot on the carpet where Marty had brought a motorbike into the front room and it had leaked oil. A huge lump had risen into her throat. “Well, thank you for letting me know.

“Look, Mrs. Thomas, the woman said, her voice suddenly conciliatory, “theres still another week to go before we have to close the place. Well hold it for you until the last possible minute.

“Thank you. Thats very kind of you. But, really, theres no point.

Jess knew it and the woman knew it. It wasnt going to happen for them. Some leaps were just too big to make.

She asked Jess to pass on her best wishes to Tanzie for her new school. As she put the phone down, Jess imagined her already scanning her lists for the next suitable candidate.

—

She didnt tell Tanzie. Two nights previously Jess discovered that Tanzie had removed all her maths books from her shelf and stacked them with Jesss remaining books on the upstairs landing, inserting them between thrillers and a historical romance so that she wouldnt notice. Jess put them in a neat pile in her wardrobe, where they couldnt be seen. She wasnt sure if this was saving Tanzies feelings or her own.

Marty received the solicitors letter and rang, protesting and blustering about why he couldnt pay. She told him it was out of her hands. She said she hoped they could be civil about it. She told him his children needed shoes. He didnt mention coming down at half term.

She got her job back at the pub. The girl from the City of Paris had apparently disappeared to the Texas Rib Shack three shifts after shed started. Tips were better and there was no Stewart Pringle making random grabs at your backside.

“No loss. She didnt know not to talk during the guitar solo of Layla, Des mused. “What kind of barmaid doesnt know to keep quiet during the guitar solo of Layla?

She cleaned four days a week with Nathalie, and avoided number two Beachfront. She preferred jobs like scrubbing ovens, where she was unlikely to accidentally look through the window and catch sight of it, with its jaunty blue-and-white for-sale placard. If Nathalie thought she was behaving a little oddly, she didnt say anything.

She put an advert in the local newsagents offering her services as a handyperson. No Job Too Small. Her first job came in less than twenty-four hours later putting up a bathroom cabinet for a pensioner in Aden Crescent. The old woman was so happy with the result that she gave Jess a five-pound tip. She said she didnt like having men in her house and that in the forty-two years she had been married to her husband he had only ever seen her with her good wool vest on. She recommended Jess to a friend who managed a nursing home and needed a washer replaced and carpet gripper installed. Two other jobs followed, also pensioners. Jess sent a second installment of cash to number two Beachfront. Nathalie dropped it in. The for-sale sign was still up.

Nicky was the only one in the family who seemed genuinely cheerful. It was as if the blog had given him a new sense of purpose. He wrote it most evenings, posting about Normans progress, pictures from his life, chatting with new friends. He met up with one of them IRL, he said, translating that for Jess “In Real Life. He was all right, he said. And no, not like that. He wanted to go to open days at two different colleges. He was speaking to his form tutor about how to apply for a hardship grant. Hed looked it up. He smiled, often several times a day and without being asked, dropped to his knees with pleasure when he saw Norman wagging his tail in the kitchen, waved unself-consciously at Lila, the girl from number forty-seven who, Jess noticed, had dyed her hair the same shade as his, and played an air guitar solo in the front room. He walked into town frequently, his skinny legs seeming to gain a longer stride, his shoulders not exactly back, but not slumped, defeated, as they had been in the past. Once he even wore a yellow T-shirt.

“Wheres the laptop gone? Jess said when she went into his room one afternoon and found him working away on their old computer.

“I took it back. He shrugged. “Nathalie let me in.

“Did you see him? she said, before she could stop herself.

Nickys eyes slid away. “Sorry. His stuffs there, but its all boxed up. Im not sure he stays there anymore.

It shouldnt have been a surprise, but as Jess made her way downstairs she found herself holding her stomach with both hands, as if she had been punched.