فصل 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Jess

The night took on a weird, disjointed quality, the hours running into each other, fluid and endless. She gave up trying to sleep. She stared at the caramel-colored, wipe-clean walls of the caravan, read a bit, nodded off. Mr. Nicholls groaned beside her, occasionally getting up to shuffle backward and forward to the toilet block. She closed the kids door and sat waiting for him in the little caravan, sometimes dozing on the far end of the L-shaped sofa, handing him water and tissues when he staggered in.

Shortly after three, Mr. Nicholls said he wanted a shower. She made him promise to leave the bathroom door unlocked, took his clothes down to the launderette a washer-dryer in a shed, and spent three pounds twenty on a sixty-minute cycle. She didnt have any change for the dryer.

He was still in the shower when she arrived back at the caravan. She draped his clothes from hangers over the heater, hoping they might dry a bit by morning, then knocked quietly on the door. There was no answer, just the sound of running water, and a belch of steam. She peeped around the door. The glass was clouded but she could make him out, slumped and exhausted on the floor. She waited a moment, staring at his broad back pressed against the glass panel, a pale inverted triangle, surprisingly muscular, then watched as he lifted his hand and ran it wearily over his face.

“Mr. Nicholls? she whispered behind him, then again when he didnt say anything. “Mr. Nicholls?

He turned then, and saw her. His eyes were red rimmed and his head had sunk deep into his shoulders.

“Fucksake. I cant even get up. And the waters starting to go cold, he said.

“Want me to help?

“No. Yes. Ah, Jesus.

“Hold on.

She held up the towel, whether to shield him or herself, she wasnt sure, reached in, and turned off the shower, soaking her arm. Then she crouched down, so that he could cover himself, and leaned in. “Put your arm around my neck.

“Youre tiny. Ill just pull you over.

“Im stronger than I look.

He didnt move.

“Youre going to have to help me here. Im not up to a firemans lift.

His wet arm slid around her, he hooked the towel around his waist. Jess braced herself against the wall of the shower, and finally, shakily, they stood. Usefully, the RV was so small that at every step there was a wall for him to lean on. They made their way unsteadily to the couch.

“This is what my life has come to. He groaned, eyeing the bucket, as she placed it beside the sofa.

“Yup. Jess viewed the peeling wallpaper, the nicotine-stained paintwork. “Well, Ive had better Saturday nights myself.

She made herself a cup of tea. It was a little after four. Her eyes were gritty and sore, and she closed them for a minute.

“Thanks, he said weakly.

“What for?

He pushed himself upright. “For bringing a loo roll out to me in the middle of the night. For washing my disgusting clothes. For helping me out of the shower. And for not once acting like it was my own fault for buying a dodgy doner from a place called Keiths Kebabs.

“Even though it was your own fault.

“See? Now youre spoiling it.

He lay back on the pillow, his forearm over his eyes. She tried not to look at the broad expanse of chest above the strategically placed towel. She couldnt remember when she had last seen a mans naked torso other than at Dess ill-advised Pub Beach Volleyball Match the previous August.

“Go and lie down in the bedroom. Youll be more comfortable.

He opened one eye. “Do I get a SpongeBob duvet?

“You get my pink stripy one. But I promise not to regard it as any reflection whatsoever on your masculinity.

“Where will you sleep?

“Out here. Its fine, she said, as he started to protest. “Im not sure Ill sleep much anyway.

He let her lead him into the tiny bedroom. He groaned as he fell onto the bed, as if even that caused him discomfort, and she pulled the duvet over him gently. The shadows under his eyes were ash colored and his voice had become drowsy. “Ill be ready to go in a couple of hours.

“Sure you will, she said, observing the ghostly pallor of his skin. “Take your time.

“Where the hell are we, anyway?

“Oh, somewhere on the Yellow Brick Road.

“Is that the one with the godlike lion that saves everyone?

“Youre thinking of Narnia. This one is cowardly and useless.

“Figures.

And finally he slept.

Jess left the room silently and lay down on the narrow sofa, trying not to look at the clock. She and Nicky had studied the map while Mr. Nicholls was in the toilet block the previous evening and had reconfigured the journey as best they could.

We still have plenty of time, she told herself. And then, finally, she, too, fell asleep.

All was silent within Mr. Nichollss room well into the morning. Jess thought about waking him, but each time she made a move toward his door, she remembered the sight of him slumped against the shower cabinet and her fingers stilled on the handle. She opened the door only once, when Nicky pointed out that it was possible he had choked to death on his own vomit. He seemed the faintest bit disappointed when it turned out Mr. Nicholls was just in a really deep sleep. The children took Norman up the road—Tanzie in her dark glasses for authenticity—bought supplies from a convenience store, and breakfasted in whispers. Jess converted the remaining bread into sandwiches “Oh, good, said Nicky, cleaned the caravan—for something to do—and left a voice mail for Des, apologizing again. He didnt pick up.

Then the door of the little room opened with a squeak and Mr. Nicholls emerged, blinking, in his T-shirt and boxers. He raised a palm in greeting. A long crease bisected his cheek from the pillow. “We are in . . . ?

“Ashby de la Zouch. Or somewhere nearby. Its not quite Beachfront.

“Is it late?

“Quarter to eleven.

“Quarter to eleven. Okay. His jaw was thick with stubble, and his hair stuck up on one side. Jess pretended to read her book. He smelled of warm, sleepy male. She had forgotten what a weirdly potent scent that was.

“Quarter to eleven. He rubbed at the stubble on his chin, then walked unsteadily to the window and peered out. “I feel like Ive been asleep for a million years. He sat down heavily on the sofa cushion opposite her, running his hand over his jaw.

“Dude, said Nicky from beside Jess. “Jailbreak alert.

“What?

Nicky waved a ballpoint. “You need to put the prisoners back in the pen.

Mr. Nicholls stared at him, then turned to Jess, as if to say, Your son has gone mad.

Following Nickys gaze, Jess looked down and swiftly away.

“You could at least have taken me out to dinner first, she said, standing to clear the breakfast things.

“Oh. Mr. Nicholls looked down and adjusted himself. “Sorry. Right. Okay. He stood, and made for the bathroom. “Ill, uh, I . . . am I okay to have another shower?

“We saved you some hot water, said Tanzie, who was head down over her exam sheet in the corner. “You smelled really bad yesterday.

He emerged twenty minutes later, his hair damp and smelling of shampoo, his face clean shaven. Jess was busy whisking salt and sugar into a glass of water and trying not to think about naked bits of Mr. Nicholls. She handed it to him.

“Whats that? He pulled a face.

“Rehydrating solution. To replace some of what you lost last night.

“You want me to drink a glass of salty water? After Ive spent all night being sick?

“Just drink it. While he was grimacing and gagging, she fixed him some plain toast and black coffee. He sat across the little Formica table, took a sip of coffee and a few tentative bites of toast, and ten minutes later, in a voice that held some surprise, acknowledged that he did actually feel a bit better.

“Better, as in able-to-drive-without-having-an-accident better?

“By having an accident, you mean—

“Not crashing into a lay-by.

“Thank you for clarifying that. He took another, more confident, bite of toast. “Yeah. Give me another twenty minutes, though. I want to make sure Im—

“Safe in cars.

“Ha. He grinned, and it was pleasing to see him smile. “Yes. Quite. Oh, man, I do feel better. He ran a hand across the plastic-covered table and took a swig of coffee, sighing with apparent satisfaction. He finished the first round of toast, asked if there was any more going, then looked around the table. “Although, you know, I might feel even better if you werent all staring at me while I eat. Im worried some other part of me is poking out.

“Youll know, said Nicky, “because well all run screaming.

“Mum said you nearly brought up an organ, said Tanzie. “I was wondering what it felt like.

He glanced up at Jess and stirred his coffee. He didnt shift his gaze until she had blushed. “Truthfully? Not so different from most of my Saturday nights, these days.

He drank the rest of his coffee and put down his cup. “Okay. Im good. Lets hit the road.

The landscape altered by the mile as they drove through the afternoon, the hills growing steeper and less bucolic, the walls that banked them morphing from hedgerows into flinty gray stone. The skies opened, the light around them grew brighter, and they passed the distant symbols of an industrial landscape redbrick factories, huge power stations that belched mustard-colored clouds. Jess watched surreptitiously as Mr. Nicholls drove, at first wary that he would suddenly clutch his stomach, and then later with a vague satisfaction at the sight of normal color returning to his face.

“I dont think were going to make Aberdeen today, he said, and there was a hint of apology in his voice.

“Lets just get as far as we can and do the last stretch early tomorrow morning.

“Thats exactly what I was going to suggest.

“Still loads of time.

“Loads.

She let the miles roll by, dozed intermittently, and tried not to worry about all the things she needed to worry about. She positioned her mirror surreptitiously so that she could watch Nicky in the backseat. His bruises had faded, even in the short time they had been away. He seemed to be talking more than he had been. But he was still closed to her. Sometimes Jess worried he would be like that for the rest of his life. It didnt seem to make any difference how often she told him she loved him, or that they were his family. “Youre too late, her mother had said when Jess told her he was coming to live with them. “With a child that age, the damage has been done. I should know.

As a schoolteacher, her mother could keep a class of thirty eight-year-olds in a narcoleptic silence, could steer them through tests like a shepherd streaming sheep through a pen. But Jess couldnt remember her ever smiling at her with pleasure, the kind of pleasure youre meant to get just from looking at someone you gave birth to.

She had been right about many things. She had told Jess on the day she started secondary school “The choices you make now will determine the rest of your life. All Jess heard was someone telling her she should pin down her whole self, like a butterfly. That was the thing when you put someone down all the time, eventually they stopped listening to the sensible stuff.

When Jess had Tanzie, young and daft as she had been, shed had enough wisdom to know she was going to tell her how much she loved her every day. She would hug her and wipe her tears and flop with her on the sofa with their legs entwined like spaghetti. She would cocoon her in love. When Tanzie was tiny, Jess slept with her in their bed, her arms wrapped around her—Marty would haul himself grumpily into the spare room, moaning that there wasnt any room for him. She barely even heard him.

And when Nicky had turned up two years later, and everyone had told her she was mad to take on someone elses child, a child who was already eight years old and from a troubled background—you know how boys like that turn out—shed ignored them. Because she could see instantly in the wary little shadow who had stood a minimum twelve inches away from anyone, a little of what she had felt. Because she knew that something happened to you when your mother didnt hold you close, or tell you all the time that you were the best thing ever, or even notice when you were home a little part of you sealed over. You didnt need her. You didnt need anyone. And without even knowing you were doing it, you waited. You waited for anyone who got close to you to see something they didnt like in you, something they hadnt seen initially, and to grow cold and disappear, too, like so much sea mist. Because there had to be something wrong, didnt there, if even your own mother didnt really love you?

It was why she hadnt been devastated when Marty left. Why would she be? He couldnt hurt her. The only things Jess really cared about were those two children and letting them know they were okay. Because even if the whole world was throwing rocks at you, if you had your mother at your back, youd be okay. Some deep-rooted part of you would know you were loved. That you deserved to be loved. Jess hadnt done much to be proud of in her life, but the thing she was most proud of was that Tanzie knew it. Strange little bean that she was, Jess knew she knew it.

She was still working on Nicky.

“Are you hungry? Mr. Nichollss voice woke her from a half doze.

She pushed herself upright. Her neck had calcified, as bent and stiff as a wire coat hanger. “Starving, she said, turning awkwardly toward him. “You want to stop somewhere for lunch?

The sun had emerged. It shone in actual rays off to their left, strobing a vast, open field of green. Gods fingers, Tanzie used to call them. Jess reached for the map in the glove compartment, ready to look up the location of the next services.

Mr. Nicholls glanced at her. He seemed almost embarrassed. “Actually, you know what? I could really go for one of your sandwiches.