فصل 22

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Jess

The last time Jess had seen Maria Costanza was the day she had delivered Marty to her in Liams brothers van. Marty had spent the last hundred miles to Glasgow asleep under a duvet, and as Jess stood in her immaculate front room and tried to explain her sons breakdown, she had looked at her as if Jess had personally tried to kill him.

Maria Costanza had never liked her. Shed thought her son deserved better than a sixteen-year-old schoolgirl with home-dyed hair and glittery nails, and nothing Jess had ever done since had changed Marias fundamentally low opinion of her. She thought what Jess did with the house was peculiar. She thought the fact that Jess made most of the childrens clothes herself was willfully eccentric. It never occurred to her to ask why she made their clothes, or why they couldnt afford to pay someone else to decorate. Or why when the kitchen sink overflowed, it was Jess who ended up under the sink wrestling with the U-bend.

She had tried. She really had. She was polite, she didnt swear. She was faithful to Marty. She produced the worlds most amazing baby, and kept her clean, fed, and cheerful. It took Jess about five years to grasp that she wasnt the problem. Maria Costanza was just one of lifes lemon suckers. Jess wasnt sure she had ever seen her smile spontaneously unless it was to report some piece of news about one of her friends or neighbors—a slashed tire or a terminal illness, maybe.

She had tried to ring her twice, on Mr. Nichollss phone, but got no answer.

“Grannys probably still at work, she told Tanzie, ringing off. “Or perhaps theyve gone to see the new baby.

“You still want me to head over there? Mr. Nicholls glanced at her.

“Please. Im sure theyll be home by the time we get there. She never goes out in the evening.

Nickys eyes met hers in the mirror and slid away. Jess didnt blame him for being negative. If Maria Costanzas reaction to Tanzie had been lukewarm, her discovery that she had a grandson she hadnt even known about was met with the same enthusiasm she would have expressed had they announced a family case of scabies. Jess couldnt tell whether she was offended because he had existed for so long without her knowledge or whether her inability to explain him without referring to illegitimacy and her sons involvement with an addict meant that she just found it easier to ignore him altogether

“You looking forward to seeing Daddy, Tanze? Jess turned in her seat. Tanzie was leaning against Norman, her face solemn and exhausted. Her eyes slid to Jesss and she gave the smallest of nods.

“It will be great to see him. And Granny, Jess said brightly. “Im not sure why we didnt think of it sooner.

They drove in silence. Tanzie dozed, resting against the dog. Nicky sat and watched the darkening sky. She didnt feel like putting music on. She didnt dare let the children see how she felt about what had happened in Aberdeen. She couldnt let herself think about it. One thing at a time, she told herself. Just get Tanzie back on track. And then Ill work out what to do next.

“You okay? Mr. Nicholls asked.

“Fine. She could see he didnt believe her. “Shell feel better once she sees her dad. I know it.

“She could always do another Olympiad, next year. Shell know what to expect then.

Jess tried to smile. “Mr. Nicholls. That sounds suspiciously like optimism.

He turned to her, and his eyes were full of sympathy.

She was relieved to be back in his car. She had begun to feel oddly safe there, like nothing really bad could happen while they were all inside it. Jess pictured being in the front room of Costanzas little house, trying to explain the events that had led them there. She pictured Martys face when she told him about the Rolls-Royce. She saw them all waiting at a bus stop tomorrow, the first stage in an interminable journey home. She wondered briefly whether she could ask Mr. Nicholls to mind Norman till they got back. Thinking about this made her remember how much this whole escapade had cost, and she pushed the thought away. One thing at a time.

And then she must have nodded off, because someone had hold of her arm.

“Jess?

“Nngh?

“Jess? I think were here. That GPS says this is her address. Does this look right to you?

She pushed herself upright, uncricking her neck. The windows of the neat, white terraced house gazed unblinkingly back at her. Her stomach lurched reflexively.

“Whats the time?

“Just before seven. He waited while she rubbed her eyes. “Well, the lights are on, he said. “Im guessing theyre home.

He turned in his seat as she pushed herself upright. “Hey, kids, were here. Time to see your dad.

—

Tanzies hand gripped Jesss tightly as they walked up the path. Nicky had refused to get out of the car, saying hed wait with Mr. Nicholls. Jess decided shed let Tanzie go in before she went back and tried to reason with him.

“Are you excited?

Tanzie nodded, her little face suddenly hopeful and, just briefly, Jess sensed that she had done the right thing. They would salvage something out of this trip, even if it killed her. Whatever issues she and Marty had could be sorted out later.

Two new small barrels sat by the front steps, filled with a purple flower she didnt recognize. She straightened her jacket, smoothed the hair from Tanzies face, leaned forward, and wiped a bit of something from the corner of her mouth, and then she rang the doorbell.

Maria Costanza saw Tanzie first. She gazed at her, and then up at Jess, and several expressions, none quite identifiable, flickered rapidly across her face.

Jess answered them with her cheeriest smile. “Hi, Maria. We, um, were in the area, and I just thought we couldnt pass without seeing Marty. And you.

Maria Costanza stared at her.

“We did try to call, Jess continued, her voice a singsong, and odd to her ears. “Quite a few times. I would have left a message, but—

“Hi, Granny. Tanzie ran forward and threw herself at her grandmothers waist. Maria Costanzas hand went down and she let it rest limply against Tanzies back. She had dyed her hair a shade too dark, Jess noted absently. Maria Costanza stayed like that for a moment, then glanced at the car, where Nicky stared out impassively from the rear window.

God, would it kill you to express some enthusiasm, just once? Jess thought. “Nicky will be over in a minute, she said, keeping the smile firmly on her face. “Hes just woken up. Im . . . giving him a moment.

They stood and faced each other, waiting.

“So . . . , Jess said.

“He—hes not here, Maria Costanza said.

“Is he at work? She had sounded more eager than she had intended. “I mean, its lovely if hes feeling . . . well enough to work.

“Hes not here, Jessica.

“Is he ill? Oh, Christ, she thought. Somethings happened. And then she saw it. An emotion she was not sure shed ever seen on Maria Costanzas features. Embarrassment.

Jess watched her attempt to cover it. “So where is he?

“You . . . I think you should talk to him. Maria Costanza brought a hand to her mouth, as if to prevent herself saying more, then extricated herself gently from her grandchild. “Hold on. Ill get you his address.

“His address?

She left Tanzie and Jess standing on the doorstep, and disappeared down the little hallway, half closing the door behind her. Tanzie looked up quizzically. Jess smiled reassuringly. It wasnt quite as easy as it had been.

The door opened again. She handed over a piece of paper. “It will take you maybe one hour, maybe an hour and a half, depending on the traffic. Jess registered her stiff features, then looked past her to the little hallway, where nothing had changed in the fifteen years she had known her. Nothing at all. And somewhere in the back of Jesss head a little bell began to chime.

“Right, she said, and she wasnt smiling anymore.

Maria Costanza couldnt hold her gaze. She stooped then, and put her palm against Tanzies cheek. “You come back and stay with your nonna soon, yes? She looked up at Jess. “You bring her back? Its been a long time.

That look of mute appeal, of acknowledgment in her duplicity, was more unnerving than almost anything Maria Constanza had ever done in the years of their relationship.

Jess swept Tanzie toward the car.

—

Mr. Nicholls looked up. He didnt say anything.

“Here. Jess handed him the paper. “We need to go here. Wordlessly he began to program the postcode into the GPS. Her heart was thumping.

She looked in the rearview mirror. “You knew, she said when Tanzie finally put her earphones in.

Nicky pulled at his fringe, gazing out at his grandmothers house. “It was the last few times weve spoken to him on Skype. Granny would never have had that wallpaper.

She didnt ask him where Marty was. She thought she probably had an idea even then.

—

They drove the hour in silence. Jess couldnt speak. A million possibilities ran through her head. Occasionally she looked into the mirror, watching Nicky. His face was closed, turned resolutely toward the roadside. She began slowly to reconsider his reluctance to come here, even to speak to his father these last few months, casting it in a new light.

They drove through the dusky countryside to the outskirts of a new town and a housing development where the houses were box fresh, laid out in careful, sweeping curves, and new cars gleamed outside like statements of intent. Mr. Nicholls pulled up to Castle Court, where four cherry trees stood like sentinels along the narrow pavement upon which she suspected nobody ever walked. The house looked newly built its Regency-style windows gleamed, its slate roof shone in the drizzle.

She stared at it out of the window.

“You okay? They were the only two words Mr. Nicholls had spoken the entire journey.

“You wait here a minute, kids, Jess said, and climbed out.

She walked up to the front door, double-checked the address on the piece of paper, then rapped with the brass knocker. Inside she could hear the sound of a television, and see the vague shadow of someone moving under bright light.

She knocked again. She barely felt the rain.

Footsteps in the hallway. The door opened and a blond woman stood in front of her. She wore a dark red wool dress and matching pumps, and her hair was cut in one of those styles that women wear when they work in retail or banking but dont want to look like theyve entirely given up on the idea of being a rock chick.

“Is Marty here? Jess said. The woman made as if to speak, then looked Jess up and down, at her flip-flops, at her crumpled white trousers, and in the several seconds that followed, from the faint hardening of her expression, Jess could see she knew. She knew about her.

“Wait there, she said.

The door half closed, and Jess heard her shout down the narrow corridor. “Mart? Mart?

Mart.

She heard his voice, muffled, laughing, saying something about television, and then the womans voice dropped. Jess saw their shadows behind the frosted-glass panels. And then the door opened and he stood there.

Marty had grown his hair. He had a long, floppy fringe, swept carefully to one side like a teenager. He wore jeans she didnt recognize, in deep indigo, and he had lost weight. He looked like someone she didnt know. And he had gone quite, quite pale. “Jess.

She couldnt speak.

They stared at each other. He swallowed. “I was going to tell you.

Right up to that point a part of her had refused to believe it could be true. Right up to that point she had thought there must be some huge mistake, that Marty was staying with a friend or he was ill again and Maria Costanza, with her misplaced pride, just couldnt face admitting it. But there was no mistaking what was right in front of her.

It took her a moment to find her voice. “This? This is . . . where youve been living?

Jess stumbled backward, now taking in the immaculate front garden, the living room, just visible through the window. Her hip bumped against a car on the drive and she put out her hand to support herself. “All this time? Weve been scratching around for the last two years just to stay warm and fed and youre here with an executive home and a—a brand-new Toyota?

Marty glanced awkwardly behind him. “We need to talk, Jess.

And then she saw the wallpaper in his dining room. The thick stripe. And it all fell into place. His insistence that they only speak at set times. The lack of a landline phone number. Maria Costanzas assurance that he was sleeping whenever she rang outside the usual time. Her determination to get Jess off the telephone as quickly as possible.

“We need to talk? Jess was half laughing now. “Yes, lets talk, Marty. How about I talk? For two years Ive not made a single demand on you—not for money or time or child care or help of any kind. Because I thought you were ill. I thought you were depressed. I thought you were living with your mother.

“I was living with Mum.

“Till when?

He compressed his lips.

“Till when, Marty? Her voice was shrill.

“Fifteen months.

“You were with your mum fifteen months?

He looked at his feet.

“Youve been here fifteen months? Youve been here more than a year?

“I wanted to tell you. But I knew that youd—

“What—kick up a fuss? Because youre here living a life of luxury while your wife and kids are back at home scrabbling around in the crap you left behind?

“Jess . . .

She was briefly silenced as the door opened abruptly. A little girl appeared behind him, her hair a virgin sheet of blond, wearing a Hollister sweatshirt and Converse trainers. She tugged at his sleeve. “Its your program, Marty, she began, and then she saw Jess and stopped.

“Go to your mum, babe, he said quietly, his gaze flicking sideways. He put his hand gently on her shoulder. “Ill be through in a minute.

She looked at Jess warily. She was the same age as Tanzie. “Go on. He pulled the door behind him.

And that was when Jesss heart actually broke.

“She . . . she has kids?

He swallowed. “Two.

Her hands went to her face, and then her hair. She turned and walked blindly back down the path. “Oh, God. Oh, God.

“Jess, I never set out to—

She spun round and flew at him. She wanted to smash his stupid face and his expensive haircut. She wanted him to know the pain he had put his children through. She wanted him to pay. He ducked behind the car, and almost without knowing what she was doing, she found she was kicking at it, at its oversized wheels, its gleaming panels, the stupid bright white shiny stupid immaculate stupid car.

“You lied! You lied to all of us! And I was trying to protect you! I cant believe . . . I cant— She kicked and felt the faint satisfaction as the metal gave, even as the pain shot up her foot. She kicked again and again, not caring, her fists raining blows on the window.

“Jess! The car! Are you fucking mad?

She rained blows down on that car because she could not rain the blows on him. She hit with her hands and her feet, not caring, sobbing with fury, her rasping breath loud in her ears. And when he wrenched her off it, wedging himself between her and the car, his grip tight on her arms, she felt a momentary flicker of fear that her life had spun utterly out of control. And then she looked into his eyes, his cowards eyes, and there was a loud buzzing in her head. She wanted to smash—

“Jess.

Mr. Nichollss arm was around her waist, easing her backward.

“Get off me!

“The kids are watching. Come on now. A hand on her arm.

She couldnt breathe. A moan rose up through her whole body. She allowed herself to be pulled a few steps back. Marty was shouting something she couldnt hear through the din in her head.

“Come . . . come away.

The kids. She looked at the car, and saw Tanzies face, wide-eyed with shock, Nicky a motionless silhouette behind her. She looked to the other side, at the house where two small, pale faces watched from the living room, their mother behind them. When she saw Jess looking, she lowered the blind.

“Youre mad, yelled Marty, staring at the dented panels of the car. “Completely effing mad.

She had begun to shake. Mr. Nicholls put his arms around her, and steered her into his car. “Get in. Sit down, he said, closing the door once she was inside. Marty was walking slowly down the pathway toward them, his old swagger suddenly visible now that she was the one in the wrong. She thought he was about to pick a fight, but when he was about fifteen feet away he peered into the car, stooping slightly as if to check, and then she heard the rear door open behind her and Tanzie was out and running toward him.

“Daddy! she cried, and he swept her up in his arms and then Jess had to look away because she no longer knew what she felt about anything.

—

She wasnt sure how long she sat there, staring at the footwell. She couldnt think. She couldnt feel. She heard murmuring voices on the pathway, and at one point, Nicky reached forward and touched her shoulder lightly. “Im sorry, he said, his voice cracking.

She reached behind and gripped his hand fiercely. “Not. Your. Fault, she whispered.

The door opened finally and Mr. Nicholls put his head in. His face was wet, and rain dripped from his collar. “Okay. Tanzies going to stay here for a couple of hours.

She stared at him, suddenly alert. “Oh no, she began. “He doesnt get to have her. Not after what hes—

“This isnt about you and him, Jess.

Jess turned toward the house. The front door was slightly ajar. Tanzie was already inside. “But she cant stay there. Not with them . . .

He climbed into the drivers seat, then he reached across and took her hand. His was ice cold and damp.

“Shes had a bad day and she asked if she could spend some time with him. And, Jess, if this really is his life now, then surely she has to be part of it.

“But its not—

“Fair. I know.

They sat there, the three of them, staring at the brightly lit house. Her daughter was in there. With Martys new family. It was as if someone had reached in, gripped her heart, and ripped it out through her ribs.

She couldnt take her eyes from the window. “What if she changes her mind? Shell be all alone. And we dont know them. I dont know this woman. She could be—

“Shes with her dad. Shell be okay.

She stared at Mr. Nicholls. His face was sympathetic, but his voice was oddly firm. “Why are you on his side?

“Im not on his side. His fingers closed around hers. “Look, well all go find somewhere to eat. Well be back in a couple of hours. We stay close by and we can come back for her anytime if she needs us.

“No. Ill stay, said a voice from behind. “Ill stay with her. So that shes not by herself.

Jess turned. Nicky was gazing out of the window. “Are you sure?

“Ill be fine. His face was a blank. “Anyway, I sort of want to hear what he says.

—

Mr. Nicholls saw Nicky to the front door. She watched her stepson, his long, lanky legs in his skinny black jeans, his diffident, awkward way of standing as the door opened to let him in. The blond woman tried to smile at him. She peered surreptitiously past him at the car. It was possible, Jess observed distantly, that the woman was actually frightened of her. The door closed behind them. Jess shut her eyes, not wanting to imagine what was going on behind that door.

And then Mr. Nicholls was in the car, bringing with him a blast of cold air. “Come on, he said. “Its okay. Well be back before you know it.

—

They sat in a roadside café. She couldnt eat. She drank coffee and Mr. Nicholls bought a sandwich and just sat there, opposite her. She wasnt sure he knew what to say. Two hours, she kept telling herself. Two hours and then I can have them back. She wanted to be back in the car with her children, away from here. Away from Marty and his lies and his new girlfriend and pretend family. She watched the clock hands edge round and let her coffee cool. Every minute felt like infinity.

And then, ten minutes before they were due to leave, the phone rang. Jess snatched it up. A number she didnt recognize. Martys voice. “Can you leave them with me tonight?

It knocked the breath clean out of her.

“Oh no, she said when she could find her voice. “You dont get to keep them, just like that.

“Im just . . . trying to explain it all to them.

“Well, good luck with that. Because Im damned if I understand it. Her voice lifted in the little café. She saw the people at the nearby tables turn their heads.

“I couldnt tell you, Jess, okay? Because I knew youd react like you did.

“Oh, so its my fault. Of course it is!

“We were over. You knew it as well as I did.

She was standing. She wasnt aware of having got to her feet. Mr. Nicholls, for some reason, stood, too. “I couldnt give a flying fuck about you and me, okay? But weve been living on the breadline since you left, and now I find out youre living with someone else, supporting her kids. Even as you said you couldnt lift a finger for ours. Yes, its just possible Im going to react badly to that one, Marty.

“Its not my money Im living on. Its Linzies money. I cant use her money to pay for your kids.

“My kids? My kids? She was out from behind the table now, walking blindly toward the door. She was dimly aware of Mr. Nicholls summoning the waitress.

“Look, said Marty, “Tanzie really wants to stay over. Shes obviously upset about this maths thing. She asked me to ask you. Please.

Jess couldnt speak. She just stood in the cold car park, her eyes closed, her knuckles white around the phone.

“And I really want to sort things out with Nicky.

“You are . . . unbelievable.

“Just . . . just let me sort things out with the kids, please? You and I, we can talk afterward. But just tonight, while theyre here. Ive missed them, Jess. I know its all my fault. I know Ive been rubbish. But Im actually glad its all out there. Im glad you know whats going on. And I just . . . I want to move forward now.

She stared ahead of her. In the distance a police cars blue lights flashed. Her foot had begun to throb. Finally she said, “Put Tanzie on.

There was a short silence, the sound of a door. Jess took a deep breath.

“Mum?

“Tanze? Sweetheart? Are you okay?

“Im fine, Mum. Theyve got terrapins. One has a gammy leg. Its called Mike. Can we get a terrapin?

“Well talk about it. She could hear a saucepan clash in the background, the sound of a tap running. “Um, you really want to spend the night? You dont have to, you know. You just . . . you do whatever makes you feel happy.

“I would quite like to stay. Suzes nice. Shes going to lend me her High School Musical pajamas.

“Suze?

“Linzies daughter. Its going to be like a sleepover. And she has those beads where you make a picture and stick it together with an iron.

“Right.

There was a brief silence. Jess could hear muffled talking in the background.

“So what time are you picking me up tomorrow?

She swallowed, and tried to keep her voice level. “After breakfast. Nine oclock. And if you change your mind, you just call me, okay? Anytime. And Ill pick you up straightaway. Even if its the very middle of the night. It doesnt matter.

“I know.

“Ill come anytime. I love you, sweetie. Anytime you want to call.

“Okay.

“Will you . . . will you put Nicky on?

“Love you. Bye.

Nickys voice was unreadable. “Ive told him Ill stay, he said. “But only to keep an eye on Tanze.

“Okay. Ill make sure were somewhere close by. Is she . . . the woman . . . is she okay? I mean, will you all be okay?

“Linzie. Shes fine.

“And you . . . youre all right with this? Hes not—

“Im fine.

There was a long silence.

“Jess?

“Yes?

“Are you okay?

She screwed her eyes shut. She took a silent breath, put her hand up, and wiped at the tears that were running down her cheeks. She hadnt known there were that many tears in her. She didnt answer Nicky until she could be sure they hadnt soaked her voice, too. “Im fine, lovey. You have a good time and dont worry about me. Ill see you both in the morning.

Mr. Nicholls was behind her. He took his phone from her in silence, his eyes not leaving her face. “Ive found us somewhere to sleep where theyll let us take the dog.

“Is there a bar? Jess asked, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand.

“What?

“I need to get drunk, Ed. Really, really drunk. He held out an arm and she took it. “And I think I may have broken my toe.