فصل 26

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Tanzie

Nicky actually started a conversation at breakfast. They had been eating around the table like a television family—Tanzie had multigrain hoops, and Suze and Josh had chocolate croissants, which Suze said they had every day because it was their favorite—and it was a bit weird sitting there with Dad and his other family but not actually as bad as shed thought. Dad was eating a bowl of bran flakes because he said he had to stay trim now, as he patted his stomach, although she wasnt sure why because it wasnt like he had a job. “Things in the pipeline, Tanze, he said whenever she asked what he was actually doing. She wondered if Linzie had a garage full of air-conditioning units that didnt work, too. Linzie didnt seem to eat anything. Nicky was toying with some toast—he rarely ate breakfast until this trip Tanzie wasnt sure he had ever been up for breakfast—when he just looked at Dad and said, “Jess works all the time. All the time. And I dont think its fair.

Dads spoon stopped halfway to his mouth, and Tanzie wondered whether he was going to get really angry, like he used to if Nicky said anything he felt was disrespectful. Nobody said anything for a minute. Then Linzie put her hand on Dads and smiled. “Hes right, love.

And Dad went a bit pink and said, yes, well, things were going to change a bit from now on and we all made mistakes, and because she felt a bit braver then, Tanzie said, no, strictly speaking, not all of us did make mistakes. She had made a mistake with her algorithms and Norman had made a mistake because of the cows and breaking her glasses, and Mum had made a mistake with the Rolls-Royce and getting arrested, but Nicky was the one person in their family who hadnt made any mistakes. But halfway through her saying it, Nicky kicked her hard under the table and gave her that look.

What? her eyes said to him.

Shut it, his said to her.

Grrr, dont tell me to shut it, hers said to him.

And then he wouldnt look at her.

“Would you like a chocolate croissant, love? Linzie said, and put one on her plate before Tanzie had even answered.

Linzie had washed and dried Tanzies clothes overnight, and they smelled of orchid and vanilla fabric conditioner. Everything in that house smelled of something. It was as if nothing were allowed to just smell of itself. She had little plug-in things dotted around her baseboards that released “a luxurious scent of rare blossoms and rain forests and bowls of potpourri and about a billion candles in the bathroom “I do love my scented candles. Tanzies nose itched the whole time they were indoors.

After breakfast Linzie took Suze to ballet. Dad and Tanzie went to the park even though she hadnt been to the park in about two years because she had sort of grown out of it. But she didnt want to hurt Dads feelings so she sat on the swing and let him push her a few times. Nicky stood and watched, with his hands stuffed into his pockets. He had left his Nintendo in Mr. Nichollss car and she knew he really, really wanted a cigarette, but she didnt think he felt brave enough to smoke one in front of Dad.

There were chip-shop chips for lunch “Dont tell Linzie, Dad said, patting his stomach again, and Dad asked questions about Mr. Nicholls, trying to sound all casual “Who is he then, that bloke? Your mums boyfriend?

“No, said Nicky, in a way that made it hard for Dad to ask another question. Tanzie thought Dad was a bit shocked at how Nicky spoke to him. Not that he was rude, exactly, its just that he didnt seem to care what Dad thought. And Nicky was now taller than him, but when Tanzie pointed it out, Dad didnt seem to think that was amazing at all.

And then Tanzie got cold because she hadnt brought her coat, so they went back and Suze was already home from ballet so they played some games and Nicky went upstairs to the computer. Then Tanzie and Suze went to her room and Suze said they could watch a DVD because she had her own DVD player and she watched a whole one by herself every night before she went to sleep.

“Doesnt your mum read to you? Tanzie said.

“She doesnt have time. Thats why she got me the DVD player, Suze said. She had a whole shelf of films, all her favorites, that she could watch up there when they were watching something she didnt like downstairs.

“Marty likes gangster films so they watch those, she said, her nose wrinkling, and it took Tanzie a few minutes to realize she was actually talking about her dad. And she didnt know what to say.

“I like your jacket, Suze said, peering into Tanzies bag.

“My mum made it for me for Christmas.

“Your mum actually made it? She held it up, so that the sequins Mum had sewn into the sleeves glinted in the light. “Oh, my God, is she like a fashion designer or something?

“No, Tanzie said. “Shes a cleaner.

Suze laughed as if Tanzied been joking.

“What are all those? she said when she saw the maths papers in her bag.

This time Tanzie kept her mouth closed.

“Is that maths? Oh, my God, its like . . . squiggles. Its like . . . Greek. She giggled, flicking through them, then holding them from two fingers, like they were something horrible. “Are they your brothers? Is he, like, a maths freak?

“I dont know. Tanzie blushed because she was not very good at lying.

“Ugh. What a brainiac. Freaky. Geeky. She tossed them to one side, while she pulled out Tanzies other clothes. “Does everything you own have sequins on it?

Tanzie didnt say anything. She left the papers there on the floor because she didnt want to have to explain. And she didnt want to think about the Olympiad. And she just thought maybe it would be easier if she tried to be like Suze from now on because she seemed really happy and Dad seemed really happy here. And then, because she really didnt want to think about anything anymore, Tanzie said that maybe they should watch television downstairs.

They were three quarters of the way through Fantasia when Tanzie heard Dad calling, “Tanze, your mums here. Mum stood on the doorstep with her chin up like she was ready for an argument. When Tanzie stopped and stared at her face, Mum put a hand to her lip as if she had only just remembered it was split, then said, “I fell over. Tanzie looked behind her to Mr. Nicholls who was sitting in the car, and Mum said, quick as anything, “He fell over, too. Even though she hadnt actually been able to see his face and she had just wanted to see whether they were getting in the car or if they were going to have to get a bus after all.

And Dad said, “Does everything you come into contact with these days suffer some kind of injury? Mum gave him a look and he muttered something about repairs, then said hed go and get her bag, and Tanzie let out a big breath and ran into Mums arms because although shed had a nice time at Linzies house, shed missed Norman and she wanted to be with Mum and she was suddenly really, really tired.

—

The cabin that Mr. Nicholls had rented was like something out of an advertisement for what old people want to do when they retire, or maybe pills for urine problems. It was on a lake and there were a few other houses, but they were mostly set back behind trees or at angles so that no single window looked directly at any other house. There were fifty-six ducks and twenty geese on the water, and all but three were still there by the time theyd had tea. Tanzie thought Norman might chase them, but he just flopped down on the grass and watched.

“Awesome, said Nicky, even though he didnt really like the outdoors at all. He inhaled deeply, then took two pictures on Mr. Nichollss phone. She realized he hadnt smoked a cigarette for four days.

“Isnt it? said Mum. She gazed out at the lake. She started to say something about paying their share, and Mr. Nicholls held up his hands and made this “no no no no noise like he didnt even want to hear it, and Mum went a bit pink and stopped.

They had dinner on a barbecue outside—even though it was not really barbecue weather—because Mum said it would be a fun end to the trip, and when did she ever get time to do a barbecue, anyway? She seemed determined to make everyone happy and just chatted away about twice as much as anyone else, and she said shed blown the budget because sometimes you had to count your blessings and live a little. It seemed like it was her way of saying thank you to Mr. Nicholls. So they had sausages and chicken thighs in spicy sauce and fresh rolls and salad, and Mum had bought two tubs of the good ice cream, not the cheap stuff that came in the white plastic cartons. She didnt ask anything about Dads new house, but she did hug Tanzie a lot and said that shed missed her and wasnt that silly because it was only one night after all.

They each told jokes, and even though Tanzie could only remember the one that went “Whats brown and sticky? answer a stick, everyone laughed, and they played the game where you put a broomstick to your forehead and the other end on the ground and run around it in circles until you fall over. Mum did it once, even though she could barely walk with her foot all strapped up and kept saying, Ow, ow, ow, as she went round in a circle. And that made Tanzie laugh because it was just nice to see Mum being silly for a change. And Mr. Nicholls kept saying, No, no, not for him, thanks, he would just watch. And then Mum limped over to him and said something really quiet in his ear and he raised his eyebrows and said, “Really? And she nodded. And he said, “Well, all right, then. And when he crashed over, he actually made the ground vibrate a little. And even Nicky, who never did anything, did it, his legs sticking out like a daddy longlegs, and when he laughed, his laugh was really strange, like this huh huh huh sound, and then Tanzie decided she hadnt heard him laugh like that for ages. Maybe ever.

And she did it about six times until the world bucked and rolled beneath her and she collapsed on her back on the grass and watched the sky spin slowly around her and thought that was a bit like life for their family. Never quite the way it was meant to be.

They ate the food, and Mum and Mr. Nicholls had some wine, and Tanzie took all the scraps off the bones and gave them to Norman because dogs die if you give them chicken bones. And then they put their coats on and just sat out on the nice wicker chairs that went with the cabin, all lined up in a row in front of the lake, and watched the birds on the water until it got dark. “I love this place, said Mum into the silence. Tanzie wasnt sure anyone was meant to see it, but Mr. Nicholls reached over and gave Mums hand a squeeze.

Mr. Nicholls seemed a little sad most of the evening. Tanzie wasnt sure why. She wondered if it was because theyd reached the end of the little trip. But the sound of the water lapping against the shore was really calm and peaceful and she must have fallen asleep because she vaguely remembered Mr. Nicholls carrying her upstairs and Mum tucking her in and telling her she loved her. But what she mostly remembered about that whole evening was that nobody talked about the Olympiad, and she was just really, really glad.

—

Because heres the thing. While Mum was getting the barbecue set up, Tanzie asked to borrow Mr. Nichollss computer and looked up the statistics for children of low-income families at private schools. And she saw within a few minutes that the probability of her actually going to St. Annes had always been in single-figure percentages. And she understood that it didnt matter how well she had done in that entrance test she should have checked this figure before they had even left home because you only ever went wrong in life when you didnt pay attention to the numbers. Nicky came upstairs, and when he saw what she was doing, he stood there without saying anything for a minute, then patted her arm and said he would speak to a couple of people he knew at McArthurs to make sure they looked out for her.

When they were at Linzies, Dad had told her that private school was no guarantee of success. Hed said it three times. Success is all about whats inside you, he said. Determination. And then he said Tanzie should get Suze to show her how she did her hair because maybe hers would look nice like that, too.

Mum said she would sleep on the couch that night so that Tanzie and Nicky could have the second bedroom, but Tanzie didnt think she did because when she woke up really thirsty in the middle of the night and went downstairs, Mum wasnt there. And in the morning Mum was wearing Mr. Nichollss gray T-shirt that he wore every single day and Tanzie waited twenty minutes watching his door because she was curious to know what he was going to come down in.

—

A faint mist hung across the lake in the morning. It rose off the water like a magicians trick as everyone packed up the car. Norman sniffed around the grass, his tail wagging slowly. “Rabbits, said Mr. Nicholls he was wearing another gray T-shirt. The morning was chill and the wood pigeons cooed softly in the trees and Tanzie had that sad feeling like youve been somewhere really nice and its all come to an end.

“I dont want to go home, she said quietly, as Mum shut the boot.

She flinched. “What, love?

“I dont want to go back home, Tanzie said.

Mum glanced at Mr. Nicholls and then she tried to smile, walked over slowly, and said, “Do you mean you want to be with your dad, Tanze? Because if thats what you really want, Ill—

“No. I just like this house and its nice here. She wanted to say, And theres nothing to look forward to when we get back because everything is spoiled, and besides, here there are no Fishers, but she could see from Mums face that that was what she was thinking, too, because she immediately looked at Nicky and he shrugged.

“You know, theres no shame in having tried to do something, right? Mum gazed at them both. “We all did our best to make something happen, and it didnt happen, but some good things have come out of it. We got to see some parts of the country we would never have seen. We learned a few things. We sorted it out with your dad. We made some friends. Its possible she meant Linzie and her children, but her eyes were on Mr. Nicholls when she said it. “So all in all I think it was a good thing that we tried, even if it didnt go quite the way wed planned. And, you know, maybe things wont be so bad once we get home.

Nickys face didnt show anything. Tanzie knew he was thinking about money.

And then Mr. Nicholls, who had said barely anything all morning, walked around the car, opened the door, and said, “Yes. Well, Ive been thinking about that. And were going to make a little detour.