فصل 27

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Jess

They were a muted little group in the car on the way home. Even Norman no longer whined, as if he had accepted that this car was now his home. The whole time Jess had planned the trip, through the strange, frenetic few days of traveling, she hadnt really imagined any further than getting Tanzie to the Olympiad. She would get her there, Tanzie would sit the test, and everything would be okay. She hadnt given a thought to the possibility that the entire trip might take three days longer than she had planned. Or that she would be left with precisely £13.81 in cash to her name and a bank card that she was too frightened to feed into a cashpoint machine in case it didnt come back.

Jess mentioned none of this to Ed, who was silent, his gaze trained on the road ahead.

Ed. Jess repeated his name silently in her head until it ceased to have any real meaning. When he smiled, Jess couldnt help smiling. When his face turned sad, something inside her broke a little. She watched him with her children, the easy way in which he admired some photograph Nicky had taken on his phone, the serious manner in which he considered a passing comment of Tanzies—the kind of comment that would have caused Marty to roll his eyes to heaven—and she wished he had been in their lives long ago. When they were alone and he held her close to him, his palm resting with a hint of possession on Jesss thigh, his breath soft in her ear, she felt with a quiet certainty that it would all be okay. It wasnt that Ed would make it okay—he had his own problems to deal with—but somehow the sum of them added up to something better. They would make it okay.

Because she wanted Ed Nicholls. She wanted to wrap her legs around him in the dark and feel him inside her, to buck against him as he held her. She wanted the sweat and the pull and the solidity of him, his mouth on hers, his eyes on hers. They drove and she recalled the previous two nights in hot, dreamy fragments, his hands, his mouth, the way he had to stifle her when she came so that they wouldnt wake the children, and it was all she could do not to reach across and bury her face in his neck, to slide her hands up the back of his T-shirt for the sheer pleasure of it.

She had spent so long thinking only about the children, about work and bills and money. Now her head was full of him. When he turned to her, she blushed. When he said her name, she heard it as a murmur, spoken in the dark. When he handed her coffee, the brief touch of his fingers sent an electric pulse fizzing through her. She liked it when she felt his eyes settle on her, and she wondered what he was thinking.

Jess had no idea how to communicate any of this to him. She had been so young when she met Marty, and apart from one night in the Feathers with Liam Stubbss hands up her shirt, she had never had even the beginnings of a relationship with anyone else.

Jess Thomas had not been on an actual date since school. It made her sound ridiculous, even to herself. She had to make him understand that he had changed everything.

“Well keep going to Nottingham, if you guys are all okay, he said, turning to look at her. He still had the faintest bruise on the side of his nose. “Well pitch up somewhere late. That way well make it home in one run on Thursday.

And then what? Jess wanted to ask. But she put her feet up on the dashboard, and said, “Sounds good.

—

They stopped for lunch at a service station. The children had given up asking if there was any chance they could eat anything but sandwiches, and now eyed the fast-food joints and upmarket coffee shops with something close to indifference. They unfolded themselves and paused to stretch.

“How about sausage rolls? said Ed, pointing toward a concession. “Coffee and hot sausage rolls. Or Cornish pasties. My treat. Come on.

Jess looked at him.

“Come on, you food Nazi. Well eat some fruit afterward.

“Youre not afraid? After that kebab?

His hand was above his brow, shielding his eyes from the sun so that he could see her better. “Ive decided I like living dangerously.

He had come to her the previous night, after Nicky, who had been tapping silently away at Eds laptop in the corner of the room, had finally gone to bed. She had felt like a teenager sitting there on the sofa opposite him, pretending to watch the television, waiting. But when Nicky sloped off, Ed had opened up the laptop rather than moving straight to her.

“Whats he doing? she had said, as Ed peered at the screen.

“Creative writing, he said.

“Not gaming? No guns? No explosions?

“Nothing.

“He sleeps, she had whispered. “He has slept every night weve been away. Without a spliff.

“Good for him. I feel like I havent slept for several years.

He seemed to have aged a decade in the short time they had been away. And then he had reached out a hand to her and pulled her into him. “So, he had said softly, “Jessica Rae Thomas. Are you going to let me get some sleep tonight?

She studied his lower lip, absorbing the feel of his hand on her hip. Feeling suddenly joyous. “No, she said.

“Excellent answer.

—

Now they changed direction, walking away from the mini-mart, weaving their way through clumps of disgruntled travelers looking for cashpoint machines or overcrowded toilets. Jess tried not to look as delighted as she felt at the thought of not making another round of sandwiches. She could smell the buttery pastry of the hot pies from yards away.

The children, clutching a handful of notes and Eds instructions, disappeared into the long queue inside the shop. He walked back toward her, so that they were shielded from them by the crowds of people.

“What are you doing?

“Just looking. Every time he stood close to her Jess felt like she was a few degrees warmer than she should have been.

“Looking?

“I find it impossible being close to you. His lips were inches from her ear, his voice a low rumble through her skin.

Jess felt her skin prickle. “What?

“I just imagine myself doing filthy things to you. Pretty much the whole time. Completely inappropriate things.

He took hold of the front of her jeans and pulled her to him. Jess drew back a little, craning her neck to make sure they were out of sight. “Thats what you were thinking about? While you were driving? All that time while you werent speaking?

“Yup. He glanced behind her toward the shop. “Well, that and food.

“My two favorite things, right there.

His fingers traced the bare skin underneath her top. Her stomach tensed pleasurably. Her legs had become oddly weak. She had never wanted Marty like she wanted Ed.

“Apart from sandwiches.

“Lets not talk about sandwiches. Ever again.

And then he placed the flat of his hand on the small of her back, so that they were as close as they could decently be. “I know I shouldnt be, he murmured, “but I woke up really happy. His face scanned hers. “I mean, like, really, stupidly happy. Like even though my whole life is a disaster, I just . . . I feel okay. I look at you, and I feel okay.

A great fat lump had risen in her throat. “Me, too, she whispered.

He squinted against the sun, trying to gauge her expression. “So Im not . . . just a horse?

“You are so not a horse. Well, in the nicest way I could say that you were—

He dropped his head and kissed her. He kissed her and it was a kiss of utter certainty, the kind of kiss during which monarchs die and whole continents fall without your even noticing. When Jess extricated herself, it was only because she didnt want the children to see her lose the ability to stand.

“Theyre coming, he said.

Jess found herself staring at him goofily.

“Trouble. He glanced back at her as they approached, bearing their paper bags aloft. “Thats what my dad said.

“Like you hadnt worked that one out by yourself. She held back, watching Ed chat to Nicky, the opening of paper bags as Nicky revealed what theyd chosen, waiting for the color on her cheeks to fade. She felt the sun on her skin, heard birdsong over people talking, revving cars, smelled petrol fumes and hot pastry, and the words echoed through her head, unbidden this is what happiness feels like.

They set off slowly back to the car, faces already buried in paper bags. Tanzie walked a few paces ahead, her skinny legs kicking the ground listlessly as she walked, and it was then that Jess noticed something was missing.

“Tanze? Where are your maths books?

She didnt turn around. “I left them at Dads.

“Oh. Do you want me to call him? She fumbled in her bag for her mobile phone. “Ill get him to pop them straight in the post. Theyll probably arrive back before we do.

“No, she said. She inclined her head slightly toward her, but not quite meeting Jesss eye. “Thank you.

Nickys eyes slid to Jess and back to his sister. And something heavy settled in her stomach.

—

By the time they reached their final overnight stop, it was almost nine oclock and they were drooping. The children, who had been snacking on biscuits and sweets for most of the last leg of the journey, were exhausted and cranky, and headed straight upstairs to examine the sleeping arrangements. Norman followed behind them, and then Ed with the bags.

The hotel was vast and white and expensive looking, the kind of place Mrs. Ritter might have shown Jess on her camera phone and she and Nathalie would have sighed about afterward. Ed had booked it over the phone and when Jess had started to protest about the cost, there was a slight edge to his voice “Were all tired, Jess. And my next bed may be at Her Majestys Pleasure. Lets just stay somewhere nice tonight, okay?

Three interlocking rooms in a corridor seemed to double as an annex to the main hotel. “My own room. Nicky sighed with relief as he unlocked number twenty-three. He lowered his voice as Jess pushed open the door. “I love her and everything, but you have no idea how much the Titch snores.

“Norman will like this, said Tanzie, as Jess opened the door to room twenty-four. The dog, as if in agreement, immediately flopped down at the side of the bed. “I dont mind sharing with Nicky, Mum, but he really does snore badly.

Neither of them seemed to question where Jess would be sleeping. She couldnt work out whether they knew and didnt mind, or whether they just assumed either she or Ed was still sleeping in the car.

Nicky borrowed Eds laptop. Tanzie worked out how to operate the remote control for her television, and said she would watch one program, then go to sleep. She wouldnt talk about the missing maths books. She actually said, “I dont want to talk about it. Jess didnt think Tanzie had ever said those words to her.

“Just because something doesnt work out once, sweetheart, doesnt mean you cant try again, she said, laying out Tanzies pajamas on her bed.

Tanzies expression seemed to contain a knowledge that hadnt been there before. And her next words broke Jesss heart. “I think its best if I just work with what weve got, Mum.

—

“What do I do?

“Nothing. Shes just had enough for now. You cant blame her. Ed dropped the bags in the corner of the room. Jess sat on the side of the huge bed, trying to ignore her throbbing foot.

“But this isnt like her. She loves maths. Always has. And now shes acting like she doesnt want anything to do with it.

“Its been two days, Jess. Just . . . let her be. Shell work it out.

“Youre so sure.

“Theyre smart kids. He walked over to the switch and turned the lights down, looking up at them until hed got it dark enough. “Like their mother. But just because you bounce back like a rubber ball, it doesnt mean they always will.

She looked at him.

“Thats not a criticism. I just think if you give her some time to decompress, shell be okay. She is who she is. I cant see that changing.

He pulled his T-shirt over his head in a fluid motion and dropped it onto a chair. Her thoughts muddled immediately. Jess couldnt see his bare torso without wanting to touch it.

“How did you get so wise? she said.

“Dunno. I guess it rubbed off. He took two steps toward her, and then he knelt down and pulled off her flip-flops, removing the one on her injured foot with extra care. “Hows it feeling?

“Sore. But okay.

He reached for her top. He unzipped it slowly and without asking, his eyes fixed on the skin it exposed. He seemed almost distant then, as if his thoughts were on her, yet miles away. The zip caught near the end, and she took it from him gently, her hands over his, unhitching the two sides so that he could peel it from her shoulders. He stood there for a moment, just looking at her.

He unhooked her belt, then unzipped her jeans, his fingers measured and precise. She watched them and her heart began to pulse in her ears.

“Its time, Jessica Rae Thomas, that someone looked after you.

—

Edward Nicholls washed her hair, his legs around her waist, as she lay back against him in the oversized bath. He rinsed it gently, smoothing it and wiping her eyes with a facecloth to stop shampoo from getting into them. She went to do it herself, but he stopped her. Nobody had ever washed her hair, outside a hairdressers. It made her feel vulnerable and oddly emotional. When he was done, he lay in the steaming, scented water with his arms wrapped around her and kissed the tips of her ears. And then they agreed jointly that this had been quite enough romantic stuff, thank you she felt him rise under her, and she swiveled, lowered herself onto him. And they fucked until the water sluiced out of the bath, and she couldnt work out whether the pain of her foot was greater than her need to feel him inside her.

Sometime later, they lay half submerged, legs entwined. And they started to laugh. Because it was a cliché to fuck in a shower but it was ridiculous to do it in a bath, and it was even more ridiculous to be in this much trouble and yet this happy. Jess twisted so that she lay along the length of him, and draped her arms around his neck and pressed her wet chest to his, and she felt with utter certainty that she would never be as close to another human being again. She held his face in her hands and she kissed his jaw and his poor bruised temple, and his lips, and told herself that whatever happened, she would always remember how this felt.

He brought his hand down over his face, wiping the moisture from it. He looked suddenly serious. “Do you think this is a bubble?

“Um, therere lots of bubbles. Its a—

“No. This. A bubble. Were on this weird journey, where the normal rules dont apply. Real life doesnt apply. This whole trip has been . . . like time out of real life.

Water was pooling on the bathroom floor.

“Dont look at that. Talk to me.

She dropped her lips to his collarbone, thinking. “Well, she said, lifting her head again, “in a little more than five days, weve dealt with illness, distraught children, sick relatives, unexpected acts of violence, busted feet, police, and car accidents. Id say that was quite enough real life for anyone.

“I like your thinking.

“I like your everything.

“We seem to spend a lot of time talking rubbish to each other.

“Well, I like that, too.

The water had started to cool. She wriggled out of his arms and stood, reaching for the heated towel rail. She handed him a towel, wrapping one around herself, noting the casual luxury of a warm, fluffy hotel towel.

Ed rubbed at his hair vigorously with one hand. She wondered, briefly, whether Ed was so used to fluffy hotel towels that he didnt even notice. She felt suddenly bone weary.

She brushed her teeth, switched off the bathroom light, and when she turned back, he was already in the enormous hotel bed, holding back the covers to let her in. He flicked off the bedside lamp and she lay there beside him in the dark, feeling his damp skin against her own, wondering what it would be like to have this every night. She wondered if she would ever be able to lie quietly beside him without wanting to slide a leg over his.

“I dont know whats going to happen to me, Jess, he said into the dark, as if he could hear her thoughts. His voice was a warning.

“Youll be okay.

“Seriously. You cant do your optimism tricks on this one. Whatever happens, Im probably going to lose everything.

“So? Thats my default position.

“But I might have to go away.

“You wont.

“I might, Jess. His voice was uncomfortably firm.

And she spoke before she knew what she was saying. “Then Ill wait, she said.

She felt his head tilt toward her, a question. “Ill wait for you. If you want me to.

—

He took three calls on the final leg home, all hands free. His lawyer—a man with an accent so grand he should have been announcing the arrival of the royal family at dinner—told him he was due at the police station the following Thursday. No, nothing had changed. Yes, said Ed, he understood what was happening. And yes, he had spoken to his family. The way he said it made her stomach tense. She couldnt help herself afterward. She reached over and took his hand. When he squeezed it back, he didnt look at her.

His sister rang to say his dad had had a better night. They had a long conversation about some insurance bonds that his father had been concerned about, some keys that were missing from a filing cabinet, and what Gemma had had for lunch. Nobody talked about dying. She said to say hello and Jess shouted hello back and felt a bit self-conscious and a bit pleased at the same time.

After lunch he took a call from a man called Lewis, and they discussed market values and percentages and the state of the mortgage market. It took Jess a while to realize he was talking about Beachfront.

“Time to sell, he said when he rang off. “Still. Like you said, at least I have assets to dispose of.

“Whats it all going to cost you? The prosecution?

“Oh. Nobodys saying. But reading between the lines, I think the answer is most of it.

She couldnt work out if he was more upset than he was letting on.

He tried to call someone else, but the voice mail kicked in. “Its Ronan here. Leave a message. He hung up without saying anything.

With every mile, real life moved steadily toward them like an encroaching tide cold, unstoppable.

—

They finally arrived shortly after four. The rain had eased to a fine drizzle, the road looked oily with dampness, the sprawling streets of Danehall struggled to show spring promise. There was her house, looking somehow smaller and scruffier than Jess remembered it and, oddly, like something that had nothing to do with her. Ed pulled up outside, and she peered out of the window at the peeling paintwork on the upstairs windows that Marty had never got round to painting because, he said, really, you had to do a proper job, sanding it first and taking off the old paint and using filler to plug the gaps, and he had always been either too busy or too tired to do any of it. For a moment, she felt a wave of depression wash over her at the thought of all the problems that had been sitting there waiting for their return. And all the greater ones that she had created in her absence. And then she looked at Ed, who was helping Tanzie with her bag, and laughing at something Nicky said, leaning over to hear him better, and it passed.

He had stopped at a DIY superstore about an hour out of town—his detour—emerging with a great box of stuff that he had to wrestle into the back alongside their bags. It was possible he needed to tidy his house before he sold it. Jess couldnt think what you would do to that house to make it any nicer.

He dropped the last of the bags by the front door and stood there, holding the cardboard box. The children had disappeared immediately to their rooms, like creatures in some sort of homing experiment. Jess felt a bit embarrassed then by the cluttered little house, the wood-chip wallpaper, the rows of battered paperbacks.

“Im going back to my dads tomorrow.

A reflexive twinge at the thought of his going. “Good. Thats good.

“Just for a few days. Until the police thing. But I thought Id put these up first.

Jess looked down at the boxes.

“Security camera and motion-activated light. It shouldnt take more than a couple of hours.

“You bought that for us?

“Nicky got beaten up. Tanzie plainly doesnt feel safe. I thought it would make you all feel better. You know . . . if Im not here.

She stared at the box, at what it meant. She spoke before she knew what she wanted to say. “You—you dont have to do that, she stammered. “Im good at DIY. Ill do it.

“On a ladder. With a busted foot. He raised an eyebrow. “You know, Jessica Rae Thomas, at some point youre going to have to let someone help you.

“Well, what shall I do, then?

“Sit down. Stay still. Put your injured foot up. And then afterward Ill walk into town with Nicky and well buy a disgustingly unhealthy waste-of-money takeaway because it might be the last one I get for a while. And then well sit here and eat it, and afterward you and I will lie around gazing in awe at the size of each others stomachs.

“Oh, my God, I love it when you talk dirty.

So she sat. Doing nothing. On her own sofa. And Tanzie came and sat with her for a while and Ed went up a ladder outside and waved the drill at her through the window and pretended that he was going to fall off until it made her anxious. “Ive been in two different hospitals in eight days, she yelled at him through the window, crossly. “I do not want to make it a third. And then, because she was not very good at sitting still, she sorted some dirty washing and put a load in, but after that she sat down again and just let everyone else move because she had to admit that resting her foot was a lot less painful than trying to do things on it.

“Is that okay? Ed asked.

She limped outside to see him. He stood back on the garden path, gazing up at the front of the house. “I figured if I put it there itll catch anyone who comes not just in your front garden but who hangs around outside. Its got a convex lens, see? She tried to look interested. She was wondering whether once the children had gone to bed, she could persuade him to stay over.

“And often, with these sorts of things, you find that just by having a camera there is a deterrent.

Would it really be that bad? He could always sneak out before they woke up. But then, who were they kidding? Nicky and Tanzie must have guessed something was going on, surely.

“Jess?

He was standing in front of her.

“Mm?

“All I have to do is drill a hole there, and feed the wires in through that wall. Hopefully I can put a little junction just inside and it should be fairly simple to connect it all up. Im pretty good at wiring. DIY is the one thing Dad taught me that I was actually okay at.

He wore the satisfied look that men assume when in possession of power tools. He patted his pocket, checking for screws, then looked at her carefully. “Were you listening to a single thing Ive said?

Jess grinned at him guiltily.

“Oh, youre incorrigible, he said after a minute. “Honestly.

Glancing around to make sure nobody was looking, he hooked his arm gently around her neck, pulled her close, and kissed her. His chin was thick with stubble. “Now let me get on. Undistracted. Go and dig out that takeaway menu.

Jess limped, smiling, into the kitchen and began rooting through the drawers. She couldnt remember the last time she had ordered a takeaway. She was pretty sure none of the menus were up to date. Ed went upstairs to connect the wiring. He shouted down that he was going to need to move some furniture to get at the baseboards.

“Fine by me, she yelled back. She heard the rumbling, thunderous sound of large things being dragged around the floor above her head as he tried to find the connection box, and marveled again that somebody other than her was going to do it.

And then she lay back on the sofa and started going through the fistful of old menus that she had uncovered in the tea-towel drawer, unpicking the pages of those splashed with sauce, or yellowed with age. She was pretty sure the Chinese place didnt exist anymore. Some business with environmental health. The pizza place was unreliable. The curry-house menu looked pretty standard, but she couldnt shake the thought of that curly little hair in Nathalies Jalfrezi. Still, Chicken Balti. Pilau Rice. Poppadums. She was so distracted that she didnt hear his footsteps as he came slowly down the stairs. “Jess?

“I think this one will do it. She held up the menu. “Ive decided a hair of unknown provenance is a small price to pay for a decent Jal—

It was then that she saw his expression. And what he held, disbelieving, in his hand.

“Jess? he said, and his voice sounded as if it belonged to someone else. “Why would my security pass be in your sock drawer?