فصل 03

CHAPTER THREE

Ed

Deanna Lewis. Maybe not the prettiest girl, but definitely the one who scored highest on Ed and Ronans campuswide Girls Youd Give One Without Having to Drink a Fourth Pint First points system. As if shed look at either of them.

Shed barely registered him the whole three years of university, apart from that time when it was raining and she was at the station and asked him for a lift back to the halls in his Mini. He had been so tongue-tied the whole time she was in the passenger seat that he had said barely a word, except a vaguely strangled “No worries when he let her out at the other end. And those two words somehow managed to cover three octaves. She had stooped to peel the empty crisps packet from the sole of her boot, dropping it delicately back into the footwell, before shutting the door.

If Ed had it bad, Ronan had it worse. His love had weighed him down like a cartoon dumbbell. He wrote her poetry, sent anonymous flowers on Valentines Day, smiled at her in the dinner queue and tried not to look crushed when she failed to notice. And after they had graduated, set up their company, and swapped thinking about women for thinking about software—until software became the thing they actually preferred thinking about—Deanna Lewis gently morphed into a college reminiscence. “Oh . . . Deanna Lewis, they would say to each other, their eyes distant, like they could see her floating in slo-mo above the other drinkers heads at the pub.

And then, three months ago, some six months after Lara had left, taking with her the apartment in Rome, half the contents of his stock portfolio, and what remained of Eds appetite for relationships, Deanna Lewis friended him on Facebook. She had been based in New York for a couple of years, but was coming back and wanted to catch up with some of her old friends from uni. Did he remember Reena? And Sam? Was he around for a drink at all?

Afterward, he was ashamed that he hadnt told Ronan. Ronan was busy with the new software upgrade, he told himself. It had taken him ages to get Deanna out of his system. He was in the early stages of dating that girl from the not-for-profit soup place. But the truth was, Ed hadnt had a date in forever, and a bit of him wanted Deanna Lewis to see what he had become since the company was sold a year ago.

Because money, it turned out, bought you someone to sort out your clothes, skin, hair, body. And Ed Nicholls no longer looked like the tongue-tied geek in the Mini. He wore no obvious signs of wealth, but he knew that, at thirty-three, he carried it like an invisible scent around him.

They met at a bar in Soho. She apologized Reena had blown them off at the last minute. She had a baby. She lifted a faintly mocking eyebrow as she said this. Sam, he realized long afterward, never showed. She didnt ask about Ronan.

He couldnt stop staring at her. She looked just the same, but better. She had dark hair that bounced on her shoulders like a shampoo advert. She was nicer than he remembered, more human. Perhaps even golden girls were brought down to earth a little once they were out of the confines of university. She laughed at all his jokes. He could sense her surprise that he was not the person she remembered. And it made him feel good.

They parted after a couple of hours. He wasnt really expecting to hear from her again, but she called two days later. This time they went to a club and he danced with her, and when she lifted her hands above her head, he had to focus really hard not to picture her pinned to a bed. She was just out of a relationship, she explained, over the third or fourth drink. The breakup had been awful. She was not sure she wanted to be involved in anything serious. He made all the right noises. He told her about Lara, his ex-wife, and how she had said her work was always going to be her first love, and that she had to leave him to save her sanity.

“Bit melodramatic, Deanna said.

“Shes Italian. And an actress. Everything with her is melodramatic.

“Was, she corrected him. She kept her eyes on his as she said it. She watched his mouth as he spoke, which was oddly distracting. He told her about the company the first trial versions he and Ronan had created in his bedroom, the software glitches, the meetings with a media tycoon who had flown them to Texas in his private jet and sworn at them when they refused his buyout offer.

He told her of the day theyd gone public, when he had sat on the edge of his bath watching the share price go up and up on his phone and begun to shake as he grasped just how much his whole life was about to change.

“Youre that wealthy?

“I do okay. He was aware that he was this close to sounding like a dick. “Well . . . I was doing better until I got divorced, obviously . . . I do okay. You know, Im not really interested in the money. He shrugged. “I just like doing what I do. I like the company. I like having ideas and translating them into things that actually work for people.

“But you sold it?

“It was getting too big, and I was told that if we did, the guys in suits could handle all the financial stuff. I was never interested in that side of things. I just own a lot of shares. He stared at her. “You have really nice hair. He had no idea why on earth he said this.

Shed kissed him in the taxi. Deanna Lewis had slowly turned his face to hers with a slim, perfectly manicured hand and kissed him. Even though it was more than twelve years since they were at university—twelve years in which Ed Nicholls had been briefly married to a model/actress/whatever—some little voice in his head kept saying Deanna Lewis is kissing me. And she wasnt just kissing him she hitched up her skirt and slid a long, slim leg over him—apparently oblivious to the taxi driver—pressed into him, and slid her hands up his shirt until he couldnt speak or think. And when they got to his flat, his words came out thick and stupid, and he not only didnt wait for the change but didnt even check what was in the wad of notes he handed the driver.

The sex was great. Oh, God, it was good. She had porn moves, for Christs sake. With Lara, in the last months, sex had felt like she was granting him some kind of favor—dependent on some set of rules that only she seemed to understand whether he had paid her enough attention or spent enough time with her or taken her out to dinner or understood how hed hurt her feelings.

When Deanna Lewis looked at him naked, her eyes seemed to light up from inside with a kind of hunger. Oh, God. Deanna Lewis.

She arrived again on Friday night. She had worn these crazy knickers with ribbons at the sides that you could pull undone so that they slid slowly down her thighs like a ripple of water. She rolled a joint afterward, and he didnt normally smoke but he had felt his head spin pleasurably, had rested his fingers in her silky hair and felt for the first time since Lara left like life was actually pretty good.

And then she said “I told my parents about us.

He was having trouble focusing. “Your parents?

“You dont mind, do you? Its just been so good . . . feeling like . . . I belong in something again, you know?

Ed found himself staring at a point on the ceiling. Its okay, he told himself. Lots of people tell their parents stuff. Even after two weeks.

“Ive been so depressed. And now I just feel—she beamed at him—“happy. Like madly happy. Like I wake up and Im thinking about you. Like everythings going to be okay.

His mouth felt oddly dry. He wasnt sure if it was the joint. “Depressed? he said.

“Im okay now. I mean, my folks were really good. After the last episode they took me to the doctor and got me on the right meds. They do apparently lower your inhibitions, but I cant say that anyones complained! Ha ha ha ha!

He handed her the joint.

“I just feel things very intensely, you know? My psychiatrist says Im exceptionally sensitive. Some people bounce through life. Im just not one of those people. Sometimes I read about an animal dying or a child being murdered somewhere in another country, and I will literally cry all day. Literally. I was like this at college, too. Dont you remember?

“No.

She rested her hand on his cock. Suddenly Ed felt fairly certain it was not going to spring to life.

She looked up at him. Her hair was half over her face and she blew at it. “Its such a bummer losing your job and your home. You have no idea what its like to be really broke. She gazed at him as if weighing up how much to tell him. “I mean properly broke.

“What . . . what do you mean?

“Well . . . like I owe my ex a load of money, but Ive told him I cant pay him. I have too much on my credit card right now. And he still keeps ringing me, going on and on about it. Its very stressful. He doesnt understand how stressed I get.

“How much are you talking about?

She told him. And as his jaw dropped, she said, “And dont offer to lend it to me. I wouldnt take money from my boyfriend. But its a nightmare.

Ed tried not to think about the significance of her use of the word “boyfriend.

He glanced down at her and saw her lower lip tremble. He swallowed. “Um . . . are you okay?

Her smile was too swift, too wide. “Im good! Thanks to you, Im really fine now. She ran a finger along his chest. “Anyway. Its been heaven going out for nice dinners without wondering how I can afford it. She kissed one of his nipples.

That night she slept with one arm slung over him. Ed lay wide awake, wishing he could ring Ronan.

—

She came back the following Friday, and the Friday after that. She didnt pick up on his hints about things he had to do at the weekend. Her father had given her the money for them to have a meal. “He says its such a relief to see me happy again.

He had a cold, he told her, as she came skipping across the road from the Tube station. Probably best not to kiss him.

“I dont mind. Whats yours is mine, she said, and attached herself to his face for a full twenty seconds.

They ate at the local pizza place. He had started to feel a vague, reflexive panic at the sight of her. She had “feelings about things all the time. The sight of a red bus made her happy, the sight of a wilted plant in a café window made her vaguely weepy. She was too much of everything. She was sometimes so busy talking that she forgot to eat with her mouth closed. At his apartment she peed with the bathroom door open. It sounded like a visiting horse was relieving itself.

He wasnt ready for this. Ed wanted to be on his own in the apartment. He wanted the silence, the order of his normal routine. He couldnt believe he had ever been lonely.

That night he had told her he didnt want to have sex. “Im really tired.

“Im sure I could wake you up . . . She had begun to burrow her way down the duvet. There followed a tussle that might have been funny in other circumstances her mouth poised to plug onto his genitals, him desperately hauling her up by the armpits.

“Really, Deanna. Not . . . not now.

“We can snuggle, then. Now I know you dont just want me for my body! She pulled his arm around her and emitted a little whimper of pleasure, like a small animal.

Ed Nicholls lay there, wide-eyed, in the dark. He took a breath.

“So . . . Deanna . . . um . . . next weekend I have to go away for business.

“Anywhere nice? She ran her finger speculatively along his thigh.

“Um . . . Geneva.

“Ooh, nice! Shall I stow away in your case? I could be there waiting for you in your hotel room. Soothe your troubled brow. She reached out a finger and stroked his forehead. It was all he could do not to flinch.

“Really? Thats nice. But its not that kind of trip.

“Youre so lucky. I love traveling. If I wasnt so broke, Id be back on a plane in an instant.

“You would?

“Its my passion. I love being a free spirit, going where the whim takes me. She leaned over, extracted a cigarette from the packet on the bedside table, and lit it.

He had lain there for a bit, thinking. “Do you own any stocks and shares?

She rolled off him and lay back against her pillow. “Dont suggest I bet on the stock market, Ed. I havent got enough left to gamble with it.

It was out before he really knew what he was saying. “Its not a gamble.

“What isnt?

“Weve got a thing coming out. In a couple of weeks. Its going to be a game changer.

“A thing?

“I cant really tell you too much. But weve been working on it for a while. Its going to push our stock way up. Our business guys are all over it.

She was silent beside him.

“I mean, I know we havent talked a lot about work, but this is going to make a serious amount of money.

She didnt sound convinced. “Youre asking me to bet my last few pounds on something I dont even know the name of?

“You dont need to know the name of it. You just need to buy some shares in my company. He shifted onto his side. “Look, you raise a few thousand pounds, and I guarantee youll have enough to pay off your ex-boyfriend within two weeks. And then youll be free! And you can do whatever you want! Go traveling the world!

There was a long silence.

“Is this how you make money, Ed Nicholls? You take women to bed and then get them to buy thousands of pounds worth of your shares?

“No, its—

She turned over and he saw she was joking. She traced the side of his face. “Youre so sweet to me. And its a lovely thought. But I dont have thousands of pounds lying around just now.

The words came out of his mouth even before he knew what he was saying. “Ill lend it to you. If it makes you money, you pay me back. If it doesnt, then its my own fault for giving you dud advice.

She started laughing and stopped when she realized he wasnt joking.

“Youd do that for me?

Ed shrugged. “Honestly? Five grand doesnt really make a big difference to me right now. And Id pay ten times that if it meant you would leave.

Her eyes widened. “Whoa. That is the sweetest thing anyones ever done for me.

“Oh . . . I doubt that.

Before she left the next morning he wrote her a check. She had been tying her hair up in a clip, making faces at herself in his hall mirror. She smelled vaguely of apples. “Leave the name blank, she said, when she realized what he was doing. “Ill get my brother to do it for me. Hes good at all this stocks and shares stuff. What am I buying again?

“Seriously?

“I cant help it. I cant think straight when Im near you. She slid her hand down his boxers. “Ill pay you back as soon as possible. I promise.

“Whatever. Just . . . just dont say anything to anyone about it, yes?

His faux cheer bounced off the apartment walls, smothering the warning voice in his head.

—

Ed answered almost all of her e-mails afterward. He said it was good to have spent time with someone who understood how weird it was just to have got out of a serious relationship, how important it was to spend time by yourself. Her replies were short, noncommittal. Oddly, she said nothing specific about the product launch or that the stock had gone through the roof. She should have made more than £100,000. Perhaps she had lost the check. Perhaps she was backpacking in Guadeloupe. Every time he thought about what he had told her, his stomach lurched. So he tried not to think about it.

He changed his mobile-phone number, telling himself it was an accident that he forgot to let her know. Eventually her e-mails trailed off. Two months passed. He and Ronan went out and moaned about the Suits Ed listened to him as he weighed the pros and cons of the not-for-profit soup girl and felt like hed learned a valuable lesson. Or dodged a bullet. He wasnt sure which.

And then, two weeks after the SFAX launch, he had been lying down in the creatives room, idly throwing a foam ball at the ceiling and listening to Ronan talk about the best way to solve a glitch in the payment software, when Sidney, the finance director, had walked in and Ed had suddenly understood that there were far worse problems you could create for yourself than overly clingy girlfriends.

—

“Ed?

“What?

A short pause.

“Thats how you answer a phone call? Seriously? At what age exactly are you going to acquire some social skills?

“Hi, Gemma. Ed sighed, swung his leg over the bed so that he was seated.

“You said you were going to call. A week ago. So I thought, you know, that you must be trapped under a large piece of furniture.

He looked around the bedroom. At the suit jacket that hung over the chair. At the clock, which told him it was a quarter past seven. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah. Well. Things came up.

“I called your work earlier. They said you were at home. Are you ill?

“No, Im not ill, just . . . working on something.

“So does that mean youll have some time to come and see Dad?

He closed his eyes. “Im kind of busy right now.

Her silence was weighty. He pictured his sister at the other end of the line, her jaw set.

“Hes asking for you. Hes been asking for you for ages.

“I will come, Gem. Just . . . Im . . . I have some stuff to sort out.

“We all have stuff to sort out. Call him, okay? Even if you cant actually get into one of your eighteen luxury cars to visit. Call him. Hes been moved to Victoria Ward. Theyll pass the phone to him if you call.

“Two cars. But okay.

He thought she was about to ring off, but she didnt. He heard a small sigh.

“Im pretty tired, Ed. My supervisors are not being very helpful about me taking time off. So Im having to go up there every weekend. Mums just about holding it together. I could really, really do with a bit of backup here.

He felt a pang of guilt. His sister was not a complainer. “Ive told you Ill try to get there.

“You said that last week. Look, you could drive there in four hours.

“Im not in London.

“Where are you?

He looked out of the window at the darkening sky. “The south coast.

“Youre on holiday?

“Not holiday. Its complicated.

“It cant be that complicated. You have zero commitments.

“Yeah. Thanks for reminding me.

“Oh, come on. Its your company. You get to make the rules, right? Just grant yourself an extra two weeks holiday.

Another long silence.

“Youre being weird.

Ed took a deep breath before he spoke. “Ill sort something out. I promise.

“And ring Mum.

“I will.

There was a click as the line went dead.

Ed stared at the phone for a moment, then dialed his lawyers office. The phone went straight through to the answering machine.

The investigating officers had pulled out every drawer in the apartment. They hadnt tossed it all out, like they did in the movies, but had gone through it methodically, wearing gloves, checking between the folds of T-shirts, going through every file. Both his laptops had been removed, his memory sticks, and his two phones. He had had to sign for it all, as if this were being done for his own benefit. “Get out of town, Ed, his lawyer had told him. “Just go and try not to think too much. Ill call you if I need you to come in.

They had searched this place, too, apparently. There was so little stuff here it had taken them less than an hour.

Ed looked around him at the bedroom of the holiday home, at the crisp Belgian linen duvet that the cleaners had put on that morning, at the drawers that held an emergency wardrobe of jeans, pants, socks, and T-shirts.

Sidney had also told him to leave. “If this gets out, youre seriously going to fuck with our share price.

Ronan hadnt spoken to him since the day the police had come to the office.

He stared at the phone. Other than Gemma, there was really no one he could talk to without having to explain what had happened. Everyone he knew was in tech anyway, and with the exception of Ronan, he wasnt sure how many of these people would qualify as actual friends. He stared at the wall. He thought about the fact that during the last week he had driven up and down to London four times just because, without work, he hadnt known what to do with himself. He thought back to the previous evening when he had been so angry, with Deanna Lewis, with Sidney, with what the fuck had happened to his life, that he had hurled an entire bottle of white wine at the wall and smashed it. He thought about the likelihood of that happening again if he was left to his own devices.

There was nothing else for it. He shouldered his way into his jacket, picked a fob of keys from the locked cupboard beside the back door, and headed out to the car.