فصل 34

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Nicky

This is the story of a family who didnt fit in. A little girl who was a bit geeky and liked maths more than makeup. And a boy who liked makeup and didnt fit into any tribes. And this is what happens to families who dont fit in—they end up broken and skint and sad. No happy ending here, folks.

Mum doesnt stay in bed anymore, but I catch her wiping her eyes as she washes up or gazes down at Normans basket. Shes busy all the time working, cleaning, sorting out the house. She does it with her head down and her jaw set. She packed up three whole boxes of her paperback books and took them back to the charity shop because she said shed never have time to read them and, besides, its pointless believing in fiction.

I miss Norman. Its weird how you can miss something you only ever complained about. Our house is quiet without him. But since the first forty-eight hours passed, and the vet said he was in with a chance, and we all cheered on the phone, Ive started to worry about other stuff. We sat on the sofa last night after Tanzie went to bed and the phone still didnt ring and then I said to Mum, “So what are we going to do?

She looked up from the television.

“I mean, if he lives.

She let out a long breath, like this was something that had already occurred to her. And then she said, “You know what, Nicky? We didnt have a choice. Hes Tanzies dog, and he saved her. If you dont have a choice, then its actually quite simple.

I could see that even though she really did believe this, and it might actually be quite simple, the extra debt is like a new weight settling on her. That with each new problem she just looks a bit older, and flatter, and wearier.

She doesnt talk about Mr. Nicholls.

I couldnt believe after how theyd been together that it could just end like that. Like one minute you can seem really happy and then nothing. I thought you got all that stuff sorted out when you get older, but clearly you dont. So thats something else to look forward to.

I walked up to her then, and I gave her a hug. And that might not be a big deal in your family, but I can tell you in mine it is. Its about the only stupid difference I can make.

So this is the thing I dont understand. I dont understand how our family can basically do the right thing and yet always end up in the crap. I dont understand how my little sister can be brilliant and kind and some sort of damn genius, and yet now wakes up crying and having nightmares, and I have to lie awake listening to Mum pottering across the landing at four a.m. trying to calm her down. And how my sister stays inside during the day, even though its finally warm and sunny, because shes too afraid to go outside anymore in case the Fishers come back to get her. And how in six months time shell be at a school whose main message is that she should be like everyone else or shell get her head kicked in, like her freak of a brother did. I think about Tanzie without maths, and it just feels like the whole universe has gone mad. Its like . . . cheeseburgers without the cheese, or a Jennifer Aniston headline without the word “heartbreak. I just cant imagine who Tanze will be if she doesnt do maths anymore.

I dont understand why I had just got used to sleeping and now I lie awake listening for nonexistent sounds downstairs, and how now when I want to go to the shop to buy a paper or some sweets, I feel sick again and have to fight the urge to look over my shoulder.

I dont understand how a big, useless, soppy dog, who has basically never done anything worse than dribble on everyone, had to lose an eye and get his insides rearranged just because he tried to protect the person he loves.

Mostly, I dont understand how the bullies and the thieves and the people who just destroy everything—the arseholes—get away with it. The boys who punch you in your kidneys for your dinner money, and the police who think its funny to treat you like youre an idiot, and the kids who take the piss out of anyone who isnt just like them. Or the dads who walk right out and just start afresh somewhere new that smells of Febreze with a woman who drives her own Toyota and owns a couch with no marks on it and laughs at all his stupid jokes like hes Gods gift and not actually a slimeball who lied to all the people who loved him for two years. Two whole years.

Im sorry if this blog has just got really depressing, but thats how our life is right now. My family, the eternal losers. Its not much of a story, really, is it?

Mum always told us that good things happen to good people. Guess what? She doesnt say that anymore.