فصل 40

CHAPTER FORTY

Jess

Jess had been trying to persuade Tanzie to open the door. The school counselor had told her it would be a good way to start rebuilding her confidence in the outside world, as long as she was in the house. She would answer the door, safe in the knowledge that Jess was behind her. That confidence would slowly stretch to other people, to being in the garden. It would be a stepping-stone. These things were incremental.

It was a nice theory. If Tanzie would only agree to do it.

“Door. Mum.

Her voice carried over the sound of the cartoons. Jess was wondering when to get tough with her on the television watching. She had calculated last week that Tanzie now spent upward of five hours a day lying on the sofa. “She has had a shock, the counselor had said. “But I think shed feel better sooner if she was doing something a little more constructive.

“I cant answer it, Tanze, she called down. “Im standing here with my hands in a bowlful of bleach.

Her voice, a whine, a new development these last days “Cant you get Nicky to open it?

“Nickys gone to the shop.

Silence.

The sound of canned laughter echoed up the stairs. Jess could feel, if not see, the presence of whoever was waiting at the door, the shadow behind the glass. She wondered if it was Aileen Trent. She had arrived uninvited four times over the last two weeks with “unmissable bargains for the children. She wondered if shed heard about Nickys blog money. Everyone in the neighborhood seemed to know about it.

Jess yelled down, “Look, Ill stand at the top of the stairs. All you have to do is open it.

The doorbell rang again, twice.

“Come on, Tanze. Its not going to be anything bad. Look, put Norman on the lead and bring him with you.

Silence.

Out of sight, she let her head drop down and wiped her eyes in the crook of her arm. She couldnt ignore it Tanzie was getting worse, not better. In the last fortnight she had taken to sleeping in Jesss bed. She no longer woke crying, but crept across the hallway in the small hours and simply climbed in, so that Jess woke beside her with no idea of how long she had been there. She hadnt had the heart to tell her not to, but the counselor said pointedly that she was a little old to do that indefinitely.

“Tanze?

Nothing. The doorbell rang a third time, impatient now.

Jess waited. She was going to have to go down and do it herself.

“Hold on, she called wearily. She began to peel off her rubber gloves, and then she stopped as she heard the footfall in the hallway. The lumbering, wheezing sound of Norman being tugged along. Tanzies sweet voice entreating him to come with her, a tone she used only with him these days.

And then the front door opening. Her satisfaction at the sound was tempered by the sudden realization that she should have told Tanzie to tell Aileen to go away. Given half a chance she would be in with her black bag on wheels and straight past her, settling herself on the sofa and her sequined “bargains spread out on the living-room floor, tailored to Tanzies weakness so that it would be impossible for Jess to say no.

But it wasnt Aileens voice she heard.

“Hey, Norman.

Jess froze.

“Whoa. What happened to his face?

“He only has one eye now. Tanzies voice.

Jess tiptoed to the top of the stairs. She could see his feet. His Converse trainers. Her heart began to thump.

“Did he have some kind of accident?

“He saved me. From the Fishers.

“He what?

And then Tanzies voice—her mouth opening and the words coming out in a rush. “The Fishers tried to get me in a car and Norman bust through the fence to save me but he got hit by a car and we had no money and then—

Her daughter. Talking as if she wouldnt stop.

Jess took one step down, and then another.

“He nearly died, Tanzie said. “He nearly died and the vet didnt even want to give him an operation because he was so sick with infernal injuries, and he thought we should just let him go. But Mum said she didnt want to and that we should give him a chance. And then Nicky wrote this blog about how everything had gone wrong, and some people just sent him money. And we had enough to save him. So Norman saved me and people we dont even know saved him, which is sort of cool. But he only has one eye now and he gets really tired because hes still in recovery and he doesnt do very much.

She could see him now. He had crouched down, and was stroking Normans head. And she couldnt tear her eyes away—the dark hair, the way his shoulders fit in his T-shirt. That gray T-shirt. Something rose up in her and a muffled half sob came out so that she had to press her arm against her mouth. And then he looked up at her daughter from his low position, and his face was deadly serious. “Are you okay, Tanzie?

She lifted a hand and twisted a lock of her hair, as if deciding how much to tell him. “Sort of.

“Oh, sweetheart.

Tanzie hesitated, her toe rotating on the floor behind her, and then she simply stepped forward and walked into his arms. He closed them around her, as if he had been waiting for just that thing, letting her rest her head against his shoulder, and they just stayed there. Jess watched him close his eyes, and she had to take one step back up to where she couldnt be seen because she was afraid if he saw her, she wouldnt be able to stop crying.

“Well, you know, I knew, he said finally, when he pulled back, and his voice was oddly determined. “I knew there was something special about this dog. I could see it.

“Really?

“Oh yes. You and him. A team. Anyone with any sense could see it. And you know what? He looks pretty cool with one eye. He looks kind of tough. Nobodys going to mess with Norman.

Jess didnt know what to do. She didnt want to go downstairs because she couldnt bear him to look at her the way he did before. She couldnt move. She couldnt go down and she couldnt move.

“Mum told us why you dont come round anymore.

“She did?

“It was because she took your money.

A painfully long silence.

“She said she made a big mistake and she didnt want us to do the same thing. Another silence. “Have you come to get it back?

“No. Thats not why Ive come at all. He looked behind him. “Is she here?

There was no avoiding it. Jess took one step down. And then another, her hand on the banister. She stood on the stairs with her rubber gloves on and waited as his eyes lifted to hers. And what he said next was the last thing she had expected him to say.

“We need to get Tanzie to Basingstoke.

“What?

“The Olympiad. There was a mistake with the paper last time. And theyre resitting it. Today.

Tanzie turned and looked up the stairs at her, frowning, as confused as Jess was. And then, as if a lightbulb had just gone on in her head, she said “Was it question one?

He nodded.

“I knew it! And she smiled, an abrupt, brilliant smile. “I knew there was something wrong with it!

“They want her to resit the whole paper?

“This afternoon.

“But thats impossible.

“Not in Scotland. Basingstoke. Its doable.

She didnt know what to say. She thought of all the ways in which she had destroyed her daughters confidence by pushing her to the Olympiad the previous time. She thought of her mad schemes, of how much hurt and damage their single trip had caused. “I dont know . . .

He was still balanced on his haunches. He reached out a hand and touched Tanzies arm. “You want to give it a go?

Jess could see her uncertainty. Tanzies grip on Normans collar tightened. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “You dont have to, Tanze, she said. “It doesnt matter one bit if youd rather not.

“But you need to know that nobody got it right. Eds voice was calm and certain. “The man told me it was impossible. Not a single person in that examination room got question one correct.

Nicky had appeared behind him, holding a plastic bag full of stationery from his shopping trip. It was hard to tell how long hed been there.

“So, yes, your mum is quite right, and you absolutely dont have to go, Ed said. “But I have to admit that, personally, I would quite like to see you whup those boys at maths. And I know you can do it.

“Go on, Titch, Nicky said. “Go and show them what youre really made of.

She looked round at Jess. And then she turned back and pushed her repaired glasses up her nose.

Its possible that all four people held their breath.

“Okay, she said. “But only if we can bring Norman.

Jesss hand went to her mouth. “You really want to do this?

“Yes. I could do all the other questions, Mum. I just panicked when I couldnt get the first one to work. And then it all went a bit wrong from there.

Jess took two more steps down the stairs, her heart racing. Her hands had started to sweat in her rubber gloves. “But how will we get there in time?

Ed Nicholls straightened up and looked her in the eye. “Ill take you.

—

Its not easy driving four people and a large dog in a Mini, especially not on a hot day and in a car with no air-conditioning. Especially if the dogs intestinal system is even more challenged than it once was, and you have to go at speeds of more than forty miles an hour with all the inevitable consequences that brings. They drove with all of the windows open, in near silence, Tanzie murmuring to herself as she tried to remember all the things shed become convinced shed forgotten, and occasionally pausing to bury her face in a strategically placed bag.

Jess read the map, as Eds new car had no built-in GPS, and using his phone, tried to steer a route away from motorway traffic jams and clogged shopping centers. Within an hour and three quarters, all conducted in a peculiar near silence, they were there a 1970s glass and concrete block with a piece of paper marked OLYMPIAD flapping in the wind, taped to a sign that read KEEP OFF THE GRASS.

This time they were prepared. Jess signed Tanzie in, handed her a spare pair of spectacles “She never goes anywhere without a spare pair, now, Nicky told Ed, a pen, a pencil, and an eraser. Then they all hugged her and reassured her that this didnt matter, not one bit, and stood in silence as Tanzie walked in to do battle with a bunch of abstract numbers, and possibly the demons in her own head.

Jess hovered at the desk and finished signing the paperwork, acutely conscious of Nicky and Ed chatting on the grass verge through the open door. She watched them with surreptitious sideways looks. Nicky was showing Mr. Nicholls something on Mr. Nichollss old phone. Occasionally Mr. Nicholls would shake his head. She wondered if it was the blog.

“Shell be cool, Mum, said Nicky, cheerfully, as Jess emerged. “Dont stress. He was holding Normans lead. He had promised Tanzie they would not go more than five hundred feet from the building so that she could feel their special bond even through the walls of the examination hall.

“Yeah. Shell be great, said Ed, his hands thrust deep in his pockets.

Nickys gaze flicked between the two of them, then down at the dog. “Well. Were going to take a comfort break. The dogs. Not mine, he said. “Ill be back in a while. Jess watched him wander slowly along the quadrant and fought the urge to say that she would go with him.

And then it was just the two of them.

“So, she said. She picked at a bit of paint on her jeans. She wished she had had the chance to change into something smarter.

“So.

“Yet again you save us.

“You seem to have done a pretty good job of saving yourselves.

They stood in silence. Across the car park a car skidded in, a mother and a young boy hurling themselves from the backseat and running toward the door.

“Hows the foot?

“Getting there.

“No flip-flops.

She gazed down at her white tennis shoes. “No. Not anymore.

He ran his hand over his head and stared at the sky. “I got your envelopes.

She couldnt speak.

“I got them this morning. I wasnt ignoring you. If Id known . . . everything . . . I wouldnt have left you to deal with all that alone.

“Its fine, she said briskly. “Youd done enough. A large piece of flint was embedded in the ground in front of her. She kicked at some dirt with her good foot, trying to dislodge it. “And it was very kind of you to bring us to the Olympiad. Whatever happens Ill always be—

“Will you stop?

“What?

“Stop kicking stuff. And stop talking like . . . He turned to her. “Come on. Lets go sit in the car.

“What?

“And talk.

“No . . . thank you.

“What?

“I just . . . Cant we talk out here?

“Why cant we sit in the car?

“Id rather not.

“I dont understand. Why cant we sit in the car?

“Dont pretend you dont know. Tears sprang to her eyes. And she wiped at them furiously with the palm of her hand.

“I dont know, Jess.

“Then I cant tell you.

“Oh, this is ridiculous. Just come and sit in the car.

“No.

“Why? Im not going to stand out here unless you give me a good reason.

“Because . . . Her voice broke. “Because thats where we were happy. Thats where I was happy. Happier than Ive been for years. And I cant do it. I cant sit in there, just you and me, now that . . .

Her voice failed. She turned away from him, not wanting him to see what she felt. Not wanting him to see her tears. She heard him come and stand close behind her. The closer he got, the more she couldnt breathe. She wanted to tell him to go, but she knew she couldnt bear it if he did.

His voice was low in her ear. “Im trying to tell you something.

She stared at the ground.

“I want to be with you. I know weve made an unholy mess of it, but I still feel more right with you doing wrong than I usually feel when everythings supposedly right and youre not there. A pause. “Fuck. Im no good at this stuff.

Jess turned slowly. He was gazing at his feet, but looked up suddenly.

“They told me what Tanzies wrong question was.

“What?

“It was about the theory of emergence. Strong emergence says that the sum of a number can be more than its constituent parts. You know what Im saying?

“No. Im crap at maths.

“It means I dont want to go back over it all. What you did. What we both did. But I just . . . I want to try. You and me. It might prove to be a huge fuckup. But Ill take that chance.

He reached out then and gently took hold of the belt loop of her jeans. He pulled her toward him. She couldnt tear her eyes from his hands. And then, when she finally did lift her face to his, he was gazing straight at her and Jess found she was crying and smiling.

“I want to see what we can add up to, Jessica Rae Thomas. All of us. What do you say?