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CHAPTER FOURTEEN

BEAT FEAR

Fear will make you do some naughty things. One of my greatest fears in life used to be dying in a fiery plane crash. When I had to get on a plane, I used to be a total weirdo. I had all these superstitions about flying. First, I would scan the boarding area looking for women with small babies, men or women in uniform, priests, nuns, wheelchairs, off-duty pilots catching a ride home or just generally kind looking people then I would tell myself alright, God’s not gonna let the plane go down with these nice folks on board. You’re okay Mel. That would assuage me to get on the plane but then once I was on the plane every single bumper, little sound the plane made as we taxied out on the runway, my heart and my chest, it was like up in my throat, take off was the worst. By the time the wheels left the tarmac, I was usually in a full state of panic. I would close my eyes and visualize an explosion, terrorist, my row getting sucked right out of that plane or the plane just dropping from the sky. I would squeeze that armrest, close my eyes and barely brief. Now, once the captain came on, I’d feel a little bit better, but I wouldn’t really relax until the seatbelt lights turned off which was my sign that the pilot believed that we were no longer going to die, that we could actually get up and move.

Now I cured myself of the fear of flying, using the five second rule and a specific form of anxiety reappraisal that I call angry thoughts. And you can use the rule, the exact same way with any fear. Zahra actually did this with her fear of flying, and it worked. Zahra wrote I could so relate to your anxieties about flying that you shared in San Diego. I thought I was the only one who dreaded that their seat was gonna be blown out of the airplane by accident. I finally stopped watching air crash investigator and seconds before disaster, for this reason. My friend’s advice in 2011 and your five second rule helped. And then a friend asked her are you flying again and she said, yes, I already have. I tried the five second rule this time and it worked. Here’s how you’re going to use the same technique that I spoke to Zahra about. First of all you’re gonna create an anchor thought, okay? This is gonna set you up for success before you step into a situation that you know you’re afraid of. So before I go on any trip, I come up with an anchor thought. This is a thought that is relevant to the trip that I’m taking that will anchor me if fear sets in. So I start by thinking about the trip, where am I flying to, what am I excited to do when I get there. If I’m heading to see our friends in Driggs, Idaho, my anchor thought might be climbing up tabletop mountain. If I’m traveling home to Michigan where my parents are right, I might think about the moment we pull into the driveway of my parents’ house, my kids run out of the car and hug my folks or maybe taking a nice long walk on Lake Michigan with my mom. If I’m heading to a meeting in Chicago, I’ll think about getting an awesome dinner with the client and you know maybe ordering a stake or some kind of awesome fish that I’d never cook at home kind of thing.

Once I have a specific image in my mind, the rest is really easy. This use of the five second rule in the form of what researchers call if, then planning. It’s a way to keep yourself in control by creating a backup plan in advance. Plan A don’t get nervous. But if I get on the plane and I start to panic or feel afraid then I have my Plan B. I’ll use the five second rule and my anchor thought to beat my fear of flying. And studies show that this kind of if, then planning can boost your success rates almost 3 times. Now, when I’m on the plane, the moment that I noticed something that makes me nervous, whether that be an alarming sound, turbulence, a climb that suddenly seems to be taking too long. You now when you you you go on take off and you, you’re like just soaring that all of a sudden they pull the engines back and it feels like the plane’s about to go on reverser. Oh, what just happened? That’s usually a moment for me where I might do it. The weather looks amenous, so you get this bad vibe from somebody. Whatever it may be that triggers your pattern of thinking, what ever happens, the moment you notice you’re nervous, 54321. That is going to distract you from your fear. You’re gonna assert control. You’re gonna activate your prefrontal cortex and it’s also gonna anchor you in the present moment. Then, insert the anchor thought, the specific image of where you’re flying to and think about how excited you’re going to be when you’re walking on Lake Michigan with your mom or having that delicious dinner in Chicago or reaching the top of tabletop mountain with your buddies. These anchoring images are powerful reminders to your brain. If I’m sitting in a restaurant in Chicago, having dinner with my client or walking the shore of Lake Michigan tomorrow with my mom or I’m arriving home in time to make the girl’s lacrosse game, obviously the plane doesn’t crash. I have nothing to worry about.

Most important, I give my mind the context it’s looking for. That way it doesn’t escalate the fear. As I think about this anchor thought, my body comes down. Now, it’s important to come up with it before you get on a plane, in the beginning. You know, as you use this, you’re gonna get better and better at it. You can create anchor thoughts on the fly. But you want to walk onto a plane or walk into a situation that makes you nervous, with a preplanned anchor thought, the reason being is soon as you get nervous, it’s easy to have that escalate. If you haven’t thought of something to go to, your mind might start the race about something to think about, and you could easily lose that mental battle. That’s why I want you to have something that’s preplanned.

By using this technique over and over again, I have literally cured myself of my fear of flying. And by using I mean using it over and over. It will get easier and easier, until suddenly, you’re not even be afraid anymore. You have retrained your mind to default to the positive excitement about what you are about to do instead of the fear of experiencing flying in the moment. Dana was able to use this technique successfully and she’s never been so calm when she’s flown. Listen to what she had to say. I loved watching you at the convention. I used your 54321 method on the plane yesterday and it worked. I don’t think I’ve ever been so calm when flying. Thank you. Your words were inspirational and uplifting and Fran, Fran put it to use on the flight home immediately after learning the technique at a conference in Dallas. Hi, I have a story to tell you. I’ve always hated flying and avoided. This year, the convention was in Dallas and since we live in Maryland, we had to fly. I was on the verge of a panic attack, the entire flight. I was so upset that I got in other people’s nerves. Fast forward to you speaking, oh my gosh, it made a world of difference flying home. Every time I felt the panic, I used your five second rule and halfway through the flight, I was looking out the window taking pictures. I cannot believe how much I was missing by being afraid. That was proof enough for me. And it’s worked in other areas as well.

I love what Fran said at the end of her note. I can’t believe how much I was missing by being afraid. She’s right and it’s heartbreaking. I realized the same thing. I was robbing myself of joy, opportunity and magic every single day because I was living with fear. It doesn’t have to be that way. In five seconds flat, you can take control. You can beat fear. You know today, I’m never nervous or afraid when I board a plane. Occasionally, if we had a rough turbulence or something I’ll break out the rule so that I don’t drive my fingernails into the arm of the person sitting next to me. However, I still use this technique when I face other fears. Before negotiation or a very difficult conversation, for example. If I feel myself getting nervous, I will create an anchor thought of the conversation or the negotiation going really well. Specifically, I might picture somebody hugging me or thanking me for quote having the conversation or toasting the deal with my business partner at her favorite bar. That anchor thought keeps me grounded, present, and powerful during the negotiation. You see when you enter a conversation in business or in life and you’re managing a fear you will not be your best self because part of your mind is busy trying to manage that fear in real time. That’s not just me, this is study after study after study has proven that when you’re worried, there’re entire parts of your brain that can’t even focus on what you’re trying to do in the moment because they are distracted as in fully pulled in a different direction. When you have an anchor thought, it allows you to disappear the fear, the moment that you notice your mind drift to it.

Remember, even though your fears and your habits can hijack you in five seconds, you can take back control just as quickly. As Claudia writes: thank you, you’ve helped so many of us face our fears. I’ve use the 54321 method and will continue to do so forever. I’m telling you right now, you can change how you think. You can take control of your mind. The moment that you notice that your mind is drifting to a thought, that does not serve you, that does not empower you, that is negative, that beats you down, 54321. You are one decision away, literally from a totally different life, from a totally different attitude. You can and using this rule, you will rewire your mind.