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CHAPTER SEVEN

YOU’LL NEVER FEEL LIKE IT

It’s a hot afternoon in Plano, Texas and a woman named Christina sitting in a meeting at work. Her boss has called the meeting because he wants to discuss ideas to help the company close a massive piece of consulting business. It’s down to two companies and the client’s gonna make the decision next week. Christine’s listening. She’s taking notes and all of a sudden she thinks of this crazy out-of-the-box idea. What if we create a custom Snapchat geo-filter we tag it to the prospect’s office building? Everyone at the building using Snapchat will see it. And that will create buzz about our company. It will make us look so cool. Her mind starts to race with all kinds of amazing things that they could do to extend this idea. Now, meanwhile, the conversation among her colleagues is starting to wind down and the VP of Business Development says, “alright, those are great suggestions, anyone else?” Christine has a decision to make and she’ll make it in the next five seconds. Now she knows she should jump into the conversation. But first, she stops to think. Is this gonna sound crazy? I mean, nobody else even said anything even close to this. Is there a reason no one mentioned Snapchat? Maybe I shouldn’t say anything, I’m gonna sound stupid. Now she’s questioning whether she should even share the idea at all in less than five seconds that’s gone by.

In the next moment, Christine will either decide to say nothing, which is a pattern, that’s become a habit at work, or she’s gonna find the courage to speak up. Now, here’s a little bit of back story that you don’t know. Christine has a goal. She really wants to advance her career and she’s starting to get worried that she’s being passed over for more senior roles because of her executive presence. Now she’s been spending a lot of time figuring out what she needs to do. And she even wrote to me because she was struggling, struggling with her ability to make herself do these things, to make herself change. And because she hasn’t been able to change, her confidence is taking a nosedive, just like mine was taking a nosedive when I couldn’t get myself out of bed. She’s devoured fantastic books. Books like Lean In, Tribes, Daring Greatly, The Confidence Code. She’s attended a couple of women’s conferences which left her really inspired. She’s listened intently to her mentor. She’s even practiced power posing in her mirror at home. Now thanks to all this research and reading, Christine knows exactly what she needs to do. And she knows why she needs to speak more in meetings, become more visible, volunteer for projects that stretch her.

Now right about now, you’re probably judging Christine, just like you were probably judging me earlier, like oh you know just get out of bed Mel. It does seem so simple, doesn’t it? If Christine wants more executive presence, if Christine doesn’t want to get passed over; obviously Christine should be sharing more ideas in meetings. You’re probably wondering why is she not speaking up? I mean it’s kind of obvious, right? When it’s not you. It’s a great question. The answer is simple. She’s losing her battle with her feelings. See, Christine isn’t struggling with speaking. She’s struggling with self-doubt, two totally different things. This is why it can seem so obvious what you need to change. But why it’s so hard to actually make it happen? Of cource she knows how to speak in a meeting. What she doesn’t know is how to beat the feelings that are stopping her. If you’ve ever wondered why it’s so hard to make yourself do the things that you know will solve your problems and improve your life, the answer is simple. It’s your feelings. Non of us realize it, but we make almost every single decision not with logic, not with our hearts, not based on our goals. We make decisions with our feelings and our feelings in the moment are almost never ever aligned with what’s best for us.

Let’s take Christine for example, she knows what’s best for her, speak the hell up. Open your freaking mouth, Christine. Say something for crying out loud. But in the moment, her feelings are making her second-guess herself. See, study after study after study shows that we opt for what feels good now or what feels easier, rather than pushing ourselves to do the things that we know in our hearts we should do. The moment that you realize your feelings are the problem, you now have the ability to beat them. Let’s look at how quickly Christine’s feelings rose up in that meeting in Plano, Texas. It took less than five seconds. In less than five seconds, self-doubt started to fill her mind. In less than five seconds self-doubt was beating her knowledge of what she knew she needed to do. You know it happens to all of us. Once you understand the role feelings play and how you make a decision, you my friend will be able to beat your feelings every single time. Here’s exactly what you need to know. Number one, I already said this, but I’m gonna hammer this point, you make decisions based on how you feel. But we like to think that we use logic or consider our goals when we make decisions, but that’s not true. According toneuroscientist Antonio Damasio, it’s our feelings that decide for us 95% of the time. We feel before we think. We feel before we act. As Damasio puts it, you and me, human beings, we are feeling machines that think. We’re not thinking machines that feel. We’re feeling machines that think and that’s how you ultimately make decisions, based on how you feel.

So how did Damasio figure this out? Well, he studied people who had damage to their brains and couldn’t feel any emotions at all and he discovered something fascinating. None of his research subjects could make a decision, none. So these are folks who have no emotion. None of them could make a decision. Now, they could describe logically, what they should do or the pros and cons of the choice, but they couldn’t actually make the choice. The simplest decisions like what do you wanna eat? Paralyzing, impossible to tell you what they wanted to eat. What Damasio discovered, super, super, super critical for you and everybody you know to understand. Every single time you have a decision to make, here’s what you do: subconsciously, you tally all the pros and all the cons and then you make a gut call based on how you feel. It happens in a nano second and that’s why none of us catch it. Let me give you some examples. When you ask yourself, what do I want to eat, you know what you’re actually saying to yourself? What do I feel like eating? Similarly, I wasn’t asking myself, should I get up. Subconsciously I was asking, do I feel like getting up?

Tom wasn’t asking himself, should I walk over to her. Subconsciously, he was asking, do I feel like walking over to her, big difference. Christine was doing the exact same thing. She wasn’t asking herself, should I share my idea, because if she had asked herself that, the answer was obvious. Yeah, dummy. You say you want to be more visible in work, you better start speaking up, as in right now. But you see we make decisions based on how we feel, subconsciously, sitting in Plano, Texas, in that meeting, in that nano second; you know what was happening for Christine? Subconsciously, she was asking herself do I feel like sharing my idea right now? Very different question. It is a subtle difference with a huge impact and that explains why change is hard. Logically, you know what you should be doing, you do. But it’s your feelings about doing it that make your decision for you. Your feelings will make the decision before you even realize what happened. And how you feel in the moment, not aligned with your goals.

If you only act when you feel like it, you will never ever get what you want, ever. You’ve got to learn how to separate what you feel from the actions that you take. And the five second rule is a remarkable tool in this regard. Let me explain. The moment you feel, too tired, you’ll decide not to go for a run. But 54321 go, activate your prefrontal cortex and you could make yourself go for a run. If you don’t feel like attacking your to do list on your desk, you won’t. But 54321, activate your prefrontal cortex, you can force yourself to start working on it. If you don’t feel worthy, you’ll decide not to tell him what you really think but 54321 go and you could make yourself say it. If you don’t learn how to untangle your feelings from your actions, you will never unlock your true potential. It’s really that simple. Let me say that again. If you do not learn how to untangle your feelings from your actions, you will never unlock your potential.

Here’s how feelings keep you from changing. When you stop to consider how you feel, you stop moving toward your goal. Once you hesitate, you’ll start thinking about what you need to do. You weigh the pros and the cons. You consider how you feel about what you need to do and you’ll talk yourself out of doing it. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again because it is so important. You are not battling your ability to stick to a diet. You are not battling your ability to execute a plan. You are not battling your ability to repair a broken marriage or rebuild your life or hit your sales goals or win over a bad manager. You are battling your feelings about doing it. You are more than capable of doing the work to change anything, despite how you feel. This is really important. You cannot control how you feel but you can always choose how you act, always choose how you act. Do you ever wonder how pro athletes achieve so much? Well, part of is talent and practice, of course, but there’s another key element and it’s a skill that you and I need in our lives. It’s the ability to separate our emotions and push our bodies and our mouths and our minds to move. Look, an athlete may feel tired as the football game drags into the fourth quarter, but they don’t act tired. Feelings are suggestions and it’s the ones that the greatest athletes ignore. To change, you’ve gotta do the same. You must ignore how you feel and as Nike would tell you, just do it anyway.

Look, everybody struggles with their feelings of self-doubt. Just ask Lin-Manuel Miranda. He’s the creator of the smash at Hamilton that won 11 Tony awards in 2016. You know, it took him six years to write Hamilton? You may dream of writing the next Hamilton and you very well might. Just don’t forget that it took Miranda six years to write that show. And he had to battle his feelings of self-doubt every step of the way. Now, recently, as in just a couple months ago, he put up his post on his Twitter page. It’s absolutely awesome. It’s a post of a conversation between Miranda and his wife Vanessa. Three years before Hamilton debuted, three years. He was still writing it, still scoring the music. Three years before the sellout crowds, the thousand dollar tickets, him being shot into the world of the rich and famous. Miranda, you know what he was doing? He was writing. He was struggling. What was he struggling with? His feelings, his feelings of self-doubt.

He wrote to his wife: I have a hard time finding the balance between not beating myself up when it doesn’t happen as fast as I’d like it to. And not wasting time while I wait for it to happen. What did Miranda do? Pushed himself, ignored his feelings, kept writing, got back to the piano. That’s why he posted this on his page, by the way, to remind everybody out there, we’re all the same. We all struggle with the same self-defeating feelings and the only way out is through. So 54321, whatever you’re dealing with, suck it up. Ignore how you feel and get back to your damn piano. I love what his wife said, too. Everyone has that problem all the time. She’s right. We all doubt ourselves. That’s the truth. The biggest mistake you could make is to buy into the lies your feelings are telling you. Do not wait until you feel like it. 54321, get back to your piano.

Alright let’s go back to the meeting in Plano, Texas where Christine has a decision to make. In the past, as soon as she felt uncertain, she would’ve just looked down at her notepad, said nothing. And in five seconds, the moment would’ve been over. She would have said nothing. And then, of course one of her colleagues would probably raise a similar idea because colleagues always do something annoying like that, right? She then spend the afternoon beating herself up for not talking and the vicious cycle would continue. But today, today Christine does something different. Look, she dreads what she’s about to do. And she can feel that five second window starting to close as her own brain is now fighting her. She can feel her feelings rise up, her stomach is in knots as she applies the rule. She starts counting silently backwards in her head to quiet the self-doubt and awaken her prefrontal cortex, 54321. The counting, it interrupts that pattern of staying silent. It distracts her from her fears. It creates a moment of deliberate action. By asserting control in that moment, she activates her prefrontal cortex so that she can drive her thoughts and actions. Then she opens her mouth and says, I have an idea. Everyone turns and looks at her and Christine feels like she might just die right there. She forces herself to keep moving forward. She sits up a little taller. She takes up a little more space by sliding her elbows wider across the table, cause that’s what power posing thought her and she starts to speak.

So I had this idea, you know how statistically all these Millennials are using Snapchat as a platform to… And she shares her idea. Everyone listens. They ask a few questions, and then her boss says, “thanks, Christine. It’s a really interesting suggestion. Anyone else?” On the outside, nothing earth shattering happened. But on the inside, something life-changing did. Christine discovered the courage she needed to become the person she’s always wanted to be at work, a rockstar. What Christine said isn’t the point. It’s that she said anything at all that makes this moment powerful. Sharing her idea for a social media campaign changed something way more important than the marketing strategy of a company. It changed Christine. And not only changed how she behaved, but it also changed how she viewed herself. It even changed her mindset. You see, this is how you build confidence. You do it one 5 second push at a time. She used the rule to reach deep inside herself and find a little courage, and by speaking up, when normally she hold yourself back; she proved to herself on a random afternoon in a conference room in Plano, Texas that she was in fact good enough and smart enough to contribute ideas at work.

It was a small but monumental step and it took courage. The rule is how Christine took the risk and was able to apply the advice that we all know works. It was how she leaned in as Sheryl Sandberg urges us to do, outsmarted the lizard brain as Seth Godin implores and acted like an “Original” as Grant champions and dared greatly as Renée Brown empowers us to do. I said earlier on that the rule is a tool that creates immediate behavior change, and that’s exactly how Christine used it. That’s how you’re getting use it, too. By being deliberate, Christine was able to beat the feelings that normally stopped her and become more assertive in her career. The more she uses the rule to express her ideas, the more confident that she will become. Confidence is a skill that you build through action. Social psychologist Timothy Wilson writes about a psychological intervention “do good, be good” that dates all the way back to Aristotle. Its premise is based on changing people’s behavior first, which in turn changes their self-perception of the kind of person that they are, based on the kinds of things that they do. This is precisely why the five second rule is your ally. It’s a tool for action and that action creates behavior change that’s aligned with your goals and commitments. It’s not a tool for thinking and at the end of the day you’re gonna need to do a lot more than think if you want to change your life.

Wilson agrees. He has said that our minds are stupid. It’s not like you can just tell your mind think positively. You gotta nudge yourself a little more. See, I believe you got to do a little bit more than nudge. You must push right through the feelings that stop you and do the work to break the habits that hold you back, and then and only then, you will be able to replace each and every one of these destructive habits with the habit of courage. You know, like Christine, at the next meeting Christine’s gonna need to practice every day courage and use the rule again. She’ll be in the exact same situation. She’s gonna have something she wants to say. She’s gonna feel uncertain. She’s gonna feel uncomfortable. She’ll start to doubt herself as she is about to share her idea. She’s going to hesitate. She’s gonna feel her self talk herself out of it, just like what happened today. That’s the push moment. It’s a moment when your values and goals align, but you’re feeling scream, no. That’s the moment Christine will need to use the five second rule to push herself to speak. The more that she uses the rule, the faster she will break her habit of staying silent in meetings and the faster she’ll replace it with a new one, courage, visibility. The more the Christine is able to express her true self and bring out the ideas inside her, the more alive, connected and empowered she’s going to become.

Nate knows exactly how empowering that feels. He’s using the five second rule every day to push himself to grow his new wellness business. And Carol wrote to me because pushing herself to get out of her comfort zone is how she found the courage to achieve one of her lifelong bucket list goals. And that’s presenting to her nursing colleagues at one of her national conferences. As she wrote: In May of 2016, I heard you speak it NTI and you inspired and challenged me to be better, to get out of my comfort zone. I was so moved… As part of my step one, I 54321 submitted my project for a podium presentation, got accepted and spoke in front of nursing colleagues a few hours before hurricane Matthew’s landfall. Very cool. Here’s another example. When Alexandria was invited to give a presentation at work, her head was full of excuses. That’s when she pulled out the rule. Remember, you gotta beat the feelings. In a matter of 54321, she acted on a moment that changed everything and that gave her the confidence to teach a post graduate class, wow. That is awesome.

Here’s what she wrote: when I was invited to give my first presentation about online marketing, I thought oh cool, but will I really do this? It’s not 100% my topic… and it’s in another town. You hear the feelings? And plus, I have a super busy tiring week… Then in a matter of 54321, I stood up and thought to myself, I should say yes without even blinking. And that’s what I did. And that of course became such a success that she’s now been invited to do more presentations and teach in post graduate course. How cool is that? See, the reason why it is so freeing to use the rule is because you’re not only seizing the moment. When you beat your fears, you take ownership of your life. You change nos to yeses. Jim wrote to us on Instagram and he says that he’s never, he says never underestimate the power of you. He’s use the rule to beat analysis paralysis and he’s had one incredible year. And so can you. As Wilson and Aristotle said, :Do good, be good”. Change your behavior first, because when you do, you change how you perceive yourself. That’s exactly what Anna Kate discovered when she started using the rule. She is a lot like Christine. She is a marketing professional who used to stay quiet when the room was watching. She was worried that her colleagues would think that she’s “silly and inexperienced”, only to learn that once she found the courage to change her behavior at work, something she never expected happened. Her creativity flourished. Let me read her email to you.

Here’s my five second rule story: While I reluctantly drag myself out of bed (in five seconds) in order to do my 30 before 7:30, inspired by you Mel, and other morning routines, my career has been impacted the most by the five second rule. I’m a marketing professional so we are constantly on alert for new ideas. Each new idea can take off and develop into a full on campaign garnering major results for our clients. Yep, just one little inkling. In order to keep it all together, I like to carry a small notebook in my bag with me wherever I go and use it to jot down quick tasks but mostly ideas. With the five second rule I don’t think about it or consider the long-term life of my idea, nor do I send it up the ladder for approval-I’ll deal with that later. I just need to get it on paper. Later, I revisit and take the time to evaluate a sound strategy. I used to be such a sissy when it came to sharing ideas or even writing them down. I was self-conscious and worried about what people would think or if they would see me as silly and inexperienced. Since I have cast my scaredy-cat syndrome aside, my creativity has flourished. Now I can’t remember what I was so worried about in the first place. And P.S. my team actually digs my ideas.

I love that. Look you can feel like a scaredy-cat and 54321 and act brave. Because at the heart of every single moment, there is a choice. Five seconds at a time, you make a decision to do, say, or pursue what’s really important to you. Or you let fear make a decision to silence you. That’s why there’s such a tight bond between courage and confidence. Every time you faced doubt and 54321 and push right past it, you prove to yourself that you’re capable. Every time that you beat fear, and you 54321 and do it anyway, you display inner strength. And every time you smash your excuses and 54321 and say it anyway, you honor the greatness inside of you that wants to be heard. That’s how confidence grows-one small, courageous move at a time.