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CHAPTER THREE

WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT WHEN YOU USE IT

Now when I first used the Rule that morning, I was as surprised as you are that something that stupid worked. I mean counting backwards? 5- 4- 3- 2- 1…seriously? Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Look, I didn’t know why it worked. I just knew it did. I had struggled for months, months, to just wake up on time and suddenly there I was, standing in my bedroom, I will never forget it, it was dark, it was cold and I’m like, wait a minute, what just happened? 5-4-3-2-1? seriously? It worked?

Now it turns out that when you count backwards, you mentally shift the gears in your mind. You interrupt your default thinking and you do what psychologists call “assert control.” The counting distracts you from your excuses and focuses your mind on moving in a new direction. When you physically move instead of stopping to think, your physiology changes and then your mind falls in line behind your body. There is a term that researchers and psychologists use to describe what the 5 Second Rule is. It’s “Meta cognition”. “Meta cognition” is a really fancy word that means something very simple. There are ways that you can out trick your own brain. And it turn out that the 5 Second Rule is one of them. Now I didn’t know this when I invented the rule but in researching this book, I’ve not only learned that the 5 Second Rule is a form of Meta cognition, I’ve also discovered that the Rule is what they call a “starting ritual” ( in the language of habit research). A “starting ritual” activates your prefrontal cortex, and it helps you change your behavior.

Now we’re gonna talk a lot about the prefrontal cortex and why you need to know about it but for now, all you gotta know is this: the prefrontal cortex is the part of your brain that you use when you focus, when you change, or when you take, what psychologists called deliberate actions. I knew what the prefrontal cortex was, but that morning, when I first used the 5 Second Rule I had no idea, no idea that I had discovered something that was not only going to change everything about my life, my work, my finances, my marriage, my mindset, everything, but I would also come to learn, and I’m gonna describe for you all of this in this book, that it also impacts the basal ganglia, habit loops, activation energy, behavioral flexibility, cognitive biases, neural plasticity and the progress principal and also something called the locus of control. When I discovered it, zero clue what any of these things were, zero idea that this one simple rule leverages every single one of these things. Now, I use the rule that first morning, right? And it worked, a little startled that something so stupid would work. I used it again the next morning, worked again. I used it again the next morning, it worked again. Used it again the next morning, worked again. You know, I got a confession to make, this morning my alarm went off at 5:15 and I’d said last night that I would try to get to this 5:45 AM yoga class. I am not gonna lie to you. I leaned over to my husband he said, don’t you need to get up? I said, I don’t think I’m gonna go and he goes, 543… son of a… Seven years later, seven years later I am still using this rule to get my own butt out of bed.

See, there’s this myth in pop culture, in motivation, in psychology, in self-improvement. There’s a myth. There’s a myth that you have to be motivated. I think it’s complete garbage. I want you to understand something. They’re always going to be things in your life that you hate doing. You still gotta do them. I, for seven years have use the five second rule to push myself out of bed just like I it did this morning and here I am recording this book for you today and I’m still using it. And that’s because there are some things in your life that you’re always going to hate doing. This rule is going to be incredible, incredible, and helping you push yourself to do the things you just don’t feel like doing. Another one that I never feel like doing, exercise. So let me go back to the story. So I used it, you know, the first morning, the second morning, the third morning, the fourth morning and then I started to notice something really really interesting. That moment that I experienced every morning when the alarm would go off, I would know I need to get out of bed. I wouldn’t feel like getting out of bed. I could feel my brain start to say, don’t get out of bed. That five second moment, when my mind would start talking me out of doing something, I had them all day long. All day long there were these five second moments just like that struggle to get out of bed I would know I needed to do something and if I would stop and think about it, I was toast, toast. One small hesitation, my mind would wake up. I’d start doubting myself. The excuses would roll in. It took less than five seconds, less than five seconds for my brain to stop me. Just like that fish story had never ever even noticed it. This five second window between my instincts to change and my mind screwing me over.

Now as you use the rule, whether you start by pushing yourself out of bed or you start by getting to the gym, or you start by pushing yourself to speak up at work today, whatever it may be, you’re going to see it to. There’s a five second window between your initial instinct, like I should raise my hand, I should say something, I should get to the gym, I should start writing that book, and your brain be like yeah, no. When you see this five second window, everything is gonna change. The problem will become very clear. See in my case it was me. I was holding myself back five seconds at a time. In five seconds either I could make a decision to push myself forward, or my excuses and my fears and procrastination would hold me back. That’s it. That’s life. It literally comes down to that insight. We’re done. The book is over. That’s all you need to know. I’m just kidding, but it really is that simple. I made a simple promise to myself. I want you to make this promise to you. If I knew that I should do something that could change me for the better, I promised myself that I would use the rule to push myself to do it regardless of how I felt. I want you to do the same thing. I started using the rule to force myself. I’m using that word on purpose, forced myself to not only get up early but to get to the gym, to look for a job, to drink less, to be a better parent, to be a better spouse. If I started to feel too tired to exercise, I would 54321 push myself out the door. If I started to pour a second drink that I knew I shouldn’t have, I 54321, and I would put down the bottle of bourbon and I would turn and walk away. If I felt myself like getting bitchy, you know when you like have that… rise up in you, you can feel it coming. I’d 54321 self monitor, correct my tone, make myself be kinder. If I caught myself procrastinating, you know that thing you do or you know you have stuff you gotta do. We all procrastinate. I’d 54321, and I’d sit down, I’d start working on my resume. When I discovered using the rule, even in just those first few days, really powerful. When you push yourself to take simple actions, it creates a chain reaction in your confidence and in your productivity by pushing yourself to take simple steps, by pushing yourself to move forward, you create momentum. And you start to experience a sense of freedom and power that’s really hard to describe.

Rachel found that the simple step of getting up on time started a chain of events that led her to losing 30 pounds. She bought her first house and she reinvigorated her marriage. Rachel uses the word reinvigorated when she writes about the five second rule on Facebook. And that’s exactly what the rule does. It’s a great word to describe it. I had the exact same experience. When Rebecca used the rule to 54321 and pushed yourself to make small moves forward, she’s breaking out of mental jail. She’s no longer trapped in her head, she’s no longer trapped by analysis. She’s pushing herself out of her thoughts and into action. The way she describes it, Rebecca, she wrote on twitter: I feel free for the first time in 47 years. I can relate to that. You know, there’s an important concept in psychology that was put forth by Julian Rotter in 1954 and it’s still around today. It’s something foundational. It’s called the locus of control. And here’s what you need to know about the locus of control. The more that you believe, that you believe that you are in control of your life, your actions and your future that the control is in you, the happier and the more successful you’re going to become. And there’s only one thing after 50 years of psychological research, only one thing that is guaranteed to increase your personal feelings of control over your life.

It’s a term called a bias toward action. If you Google it you can get a bazillion psychological article show up on Google. Let me tell you what it means. It means you become the kind of person that stops freaking thinking about everything and you start pushing yourself to take action. I already alluded to this. Motivation, it’s a myth. I don’t know what we all bought into the idea that in order to change, you gotta feel motivated to act. It’s complete garbage. Because here’s the truth, the moment it’s time for you to act, the moment it’s time to go to the gym, the moment it’s time to do your presentation, the moment it’s time to ask for that raised, do you feel motivated? No, in fact you don’t feel like doing it at all . You think that’s the worst idea in the world. You feel the opposite of motivated. If you want to improve your life, you gotta get off your ass. That’s what you gotta do. And in my world, I call that the power of a push.

One of the reasons why the five second rule is so unbelievably empowering, from the moment you first start using it is because it turns you into the kind of person who stops talking and starts moving. It turns you into the kind of person who operates with a bias toward action. If you tend to over think every move, you’re about to discover the energy and the confidence to stop thinking and start moving. Using the five second rule is gonna strengthen your belief that you do have the ability to control your own fate. And you know how it does it? Because it pushes you to prove it to yourself one move at a time, Jenny, for example, Jenny is an incredible example of this. She’s finally taking control of her health. You see, she learned about the rule and had this huge awakening. She realized that holy cow, I would literally Mel, go in and eat a meal of canned raviolis, a bag of chips and a soda and then I’d sit around all afternoon and complain about being overweight. She saw that holy cow in five seconds, I walk into a convenience store, I grabbed these crappy things, and now here I am sabotaging my effort to lose weight with one decision. Well, you know what she’s doing now? When she walks in to buy her lunch, she goes 54321 healthy. And that gives her in her words, the kick in the ass that she needs. So instead of grabbing that stuff, she gets a sandwich and a water. It’s how she’s changing.

Donna’s another example of what happens when you learn about the rule. You know, Donna first heard about the five second rule at an Aveda Institute conference that I spoke at in New Orleans and she had the same reaction that lot of people do. You know, she heard me speak, she thought the speech was amazing. But with regard to the rule, she was like… yeah, whatever, five seconds. Yeah, maybe I’ll use it to get up on time but it’s not gonna be life-changing. Whatever. Well, just like I was wrong about this stupid thing, boy oh boy was she wrong? She’s changed just about everything. You know, in her life and business. I want to, I want to read to you what she’s done. She writes in this post that she posted on on Facebook. My boss mentor asked me to be a salon mentor. I was one of the newest in the salon, yet I was given the opportunity to coach on new products to our team members. I 54321, go and now I’m coaching with confidence. She said I want to be in Aveda educator and instead of waiting on the opportunity to take classes. I made that opportunity a reality. I asked my boss for a meeting to discuss the possibility and now I’m on track for taking classes and making my dream a reality. 54321, go. Don’t be afraid to ask the universe for what you want in life. At “Dare to Dream” an Aveda conference while sitting in the audience, I thought I was covering my eyes from the stage lights when the speakers on stage thought I volunteered to speak in front of the entire venue. When they brought me on the microphone, I panicked for a moment. Then I 54321, go. Be brave. Don’t say no to opportunities even when you blindly stumble on them. 54321, go. Whenever I’m faced with just go. My career has become so much more with making myself step up to the ledge, boldly. Even though in the beginning I felt like I tripped over the edge or praying someone would help pull me over. I’ve realized the more times I step boldly and don’t say no to opportunities, the more my confidence is built and the easier it is to say yes to my future. Now listen to this. She writes, only we can hold ourselves back. It’s amazing to see how horribly I held myself hostage out of fear and where I am today. And more importantly where I see myself in the years to come. Go, do say yes, 54321.

As you use the rule more and more, you are going to feel just like Donna does. You’re goona courage. You’re gonna get in touch with your confidence and your pride and your sense of control as you push yourself to do the small things that bring your greatness to the surface. You know, that rule has that effect. I often tell people it’s gonna haunt you. And we see people use that word. Hey Mel, this thing’s haunt me in a really good way. And that’s because you’re gonna realize that wow, you’ve been sleepwalking through life for a long time. And the other thing that’s really cool about this when you learn it, we’re gonna get into the FAQs and how to start applying it and the specific ways to use it, in just a minute. But something this simple, this easy and effective, it’s contagious. You’re gonna start sharing it with everybody. Crystal’s already started using it with her son. She learned about it at a presentation that I gave and she went home and immediately started teaching 54321, go to her eight-year-old.

Now the first person that I told about the role was Chris. He definitely noticed the fact that I was changing, in particularly that my bitchy demeanor was starting to melt and that I was actually being proactive around my job search and my attitude. And it didn’t take much to convince him that there was this secret weapon that he was living without, too. So Chris adopted the rule and he used it to make some major changes. First of all, he quit drinking. He started meditating every single day and exercising every single morning and here’s the thing: The rule doesn’t make these things easy, it makes them happen. That’s why I describe it as a tool. Instead of avoiding the creditor calls and the bankruptcy letters, these are not easy things to face; Chris and I, 54321, we started to hit it head on. I used 54321 to push myself out of my head and to start reaching out to old clients that I used to coach so that I could rev up the referral engine. Even though I didn’t feel successful enough to go back to doing that again. I used 54321 to propel myself to go on interviews for radio hosting gigs despite the fact that I was still under contract with Fox. I figured, well, you know I can sit here and make excuses or I can push my life forward and then figure it out. And together, Chris and I, 54321, we pushed ourselves to meet with the accountants, the financial advisors and do the painfully nauseating work of facing our debt, restructuring our debt and slowly digging out of the hole that we had created together.

Chris also brought the rule into his business and used it to push himself through all the fear and all the guilt and all the embarrassment that he felt with that one restaurant that he closed. I mean that’s a really public failure. It’s one thing to lose a job, it’s another thing to open up a restaurant and see the whole thing open and then go out of business. He and his business partner, they met with dozens and dozens of advisors and they crunch financial models and they work day and night until they not only closed that location, they closed the wholesale business. And then they went through years of work, growing retail locations and then ultimately they sold them off. They paid back as many people as they could. And what’s amazing to me is what they actually did. I think I personally would’ve probably thrown in the towel. I’m extremely impressed by the grit, the hustle, the commitment and how Chris and his partner Jonathan just pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and that’s exactly, exactly what this rule is gonna help you do. It’s not gonna make it easy, it’s gonna make it happen.

You know to this day, when Chris looks back on the days when he had the restaurants, his mind, it does, it drifts and he’ll think.. You know, was that a failure? But when he catches himself thinking negative thoughts, 54321 and he redirects his mind and forces himself to think about things that they did build. Seven restaurants, an incredible employee culture, millions in revenue and a remarkable brand. Now, look did it end up how he dreamt it would end up? No, a lot of times in life, most of what we do doesn’t end up how we dream it’s gonna end up. But what he learned about business in partnership and himself during the process, I’m gonna tell you something, as painful as it was to go through everything that we did, what we learned in the process worth way more than money could ever buy you. There’s nothing more powerful than the feeling of confidence and pride that you gain in yourself when you realize you can rely on yourself and you can keep trudging forward and face whatever challenges life throws at you, head-on. Now as Chris put it, the rule helped him change the experience of succeeding and failing on so many levels. Ultimately, the rule gives you an awareness and power and control over both your positive and your negative thoughts.

So, you know as Chris and I started to clot a debt and we were using the rule to move forward and move toward one another, we started to reconnect with friends and the rule would often come up in, you know, you’re gonna find that, too. Jennifer learned the rule at a conference that I spoke at for nurses and immediately went back and she was a supervising nurse and so she told all the nurses on her floor about it. And the moment she mentioned it one of the gals like you have no idea how many times I need to do this a day. And that’s not uncommon because you’re gonna start to realize how sad it is because we hold ourselves back so much. The rule’s gonna ignite something powerful in you and everybody in your life who tries it. I mean one of her friends, the moment they learned the rule they had the courage to ask for divorce. Another one left his consulting job for a job that didn’t require a lot of travel. A work pal of Chris’s lost 73 pounds and my uncle stopped talking about giving up smoking and use the rule to finally quit.

Now the five second rule gave them all what it had given me and what it’s gonna give you. It’s good to give you a framework. It’s gonna give you courage and it’s gonna give you a method for how you push yourself to change. Now, the first time that I shared the rule in public was 2011. And in full disclosure, I never intended to talk about this on any kind of public scale. Had I intended to become a public speaker and talk about this and share this? I would never have named it the five second rule. You know that rule, just like the rule like the one where you drop food on the floor and you can pick it up and eat it if you blow the doctor off. Never in a million years. That was just the first thing that kind of popped in my head that morning. I never in a million years thought I would be sitting here, not only reading this book to you, but just even talking to you about this. Like this was kind of my secret weapon. I was happy to share this with friends and with family, but this was not supposed to be public information. So I was asked to give this TEDx talk and it was called how to stop screwing yourself over and you know, the funny thing is, is that the talk is mostly, mostly about my dream back then, of becoming a top talk radio host and that’s basically what the talk was about. Like how you go after your dreams? How do you make change happen? And at the time I really wanted, I had this dream of becoming one of the top syndicated radio host in the country. I only mentioned the five second rule at the end. And I didn’t really plan on talking about it, like at the near of the end of the speech. You know Ted talks, they’re only like 20 minutes long. Literally, like 19 minutes and I like, by the way, there’s this thing. It’s like an afterthought. I mention it.

I don’t even explain like we’re gonna get into in this book, how you can use it, the science behind it. I walked off that stage and TEDx, back in 2011, not the brand it is today. I wasn’t even fully present that they were filming this thing and planning on putting it online. I left that stage, I thought, well that was wonderful. I just embarrassed myself in front of an audience of 800 people. After listening to one PhD after another talk about all these smart things. I went up there and talked about this stupid dream of mine to become the rush next liberal Rush Limbaugh. And I mentioned that I’m addicted to the snooze button. Way to go Mel. So I never thought anything of it, left. Well, then somebody put that talk online, a million views later, people started to write. And what happened is crazy. The talk went viral. I mean, as I sit here right now talking to you more than 8 million people have watched that speech. And that’s not all. They started writing, every single day. I hear from people around the world who are using the rule, around the world. In fact, today we’ve heard for more than 100,000 people in more than 80 countries. People that heard that one talk where I don’t even explain it, who write and say that this thing is now changing their lives.

People like Mark, listen to Mark. Just so you know, with the help of five second rule, I’m doing so much in the last six months. I’m on pace to double my business in two years. I’m writing a book on business sales, then another one on 100 days outside my comfort zone. I’m finding and being with the woman beyond my dreams. I’m closer to my kids than ever. We’re making plans to explore the world. What? Seriously. This started to roll into my inbox. It’s been the most incredible gift and as more and more people like Mark started to write with questions and request for more information, I began to research the rule in depth so that I could better explain how you can use it and prove to you why it works. And you know, you know I’m a lawyer by profession, so I went nuts on the research. I looked for precedent. I looked for evidence. I looked for guidance as if I was gonna have to prove my case to a jury that the five second rule, it works. I’m gonna prove it to you beyond a reasonable doubt. It took me almost 3 years. I read everything that I could find on the subject of change, happiness, habits, motivation, human behavior. I read social science experiments, happiness research, books on the brain, neuroscience studies. I didn’t even limited to the experts. Because you know on some level, who cares what the experts say? You want to hear is this really actually working. We develop these questionnaires and we sent them to people. Oh, yeah, you’re gonna write me about the five second rule? I’m gonna hit you back with a questionnaire so we can find out more about it. And then I got on the phone.

We googled, we skyped, we face timed to people around the world and dug into what is the step-by-step experience of somebody that faces change? What does that look like? And what can we learn from it. And, you know, as I deconstructed the moment of change, I uncovered something fundamental about how you and I are wired, every one of us. Right before you’re about to do something that feels difficult, scary or uncertain, you know what you do?You hesitate. Hesitation, kiss of death. That’s right hesitation, a moment of hesitation is a kiss of death. You might just hesitate for a nanosecond. That’s all it takes. That one small hesitation triggers a mental system that is designed, made to, engineered to stop you. And guess how fast it happens? That’s right, five seconds. You’ve noticed this. Fear, self-doubt, it can take over your head and start making up excuses immediately. We all do it. We hold ourselves back in the smallest, mundane moments, every single day. And it impacts everything. But here’s the cool part. Hesitation, we all do it, right? We all stop. We all think. I don’t know. Look, if you are about to do something that is permanent, like a tattoo, hesitate for a second. If you’re about to sign a contract, to get married, do something that you can’t, well you can reverse a marriage and a contract, but you know what I mean. You’re about to do something that requires thinking, hesitate all damn day, I don’t care. I’m talking about that tiny stuff, to you pick up the phone, to you go to the gym, to you say I love you, to you return the text, to you start writing in the book. All the things that could expand your life, to you stop and hesitate on the little stuff, that’s the habit we gotta break. That’s the habit that we need to get rid of.

We gotta building you the habit of taking some kind of action because when you become the kind of person that stops hesitating and starts making small moves forward, you’re gonna be astonished how fast your life changes. That’s what Keith discovered. So Keith learned the five second rule at this massive RE/MAX conference that I spoke at. Let me tell you what this guy has done, in one year. Listen to this. He heard me speak in Las Vegas in February 2016, we’re not even done with 2016 right now as I’m recording this. “You’ve inspired me to do extraordinary things. I just had to get on my own way and take action. I’ve achieved unbelievable success. I’ve opened three offices, recruiting more than 50 agents in little old Arkansas. No more hesitation, no more procrastination. I take some kind of action, and it helps me launch to my goal. A large task suddenly becomes manageable. The hardest part is starting. Thank you for sharing your story.

You see, I want you to get something form Keith. The hardest part is starting. I want you to also understand that when you get out of your own way and you become the kind of person that pushes yourself forward, it is incredible what happens. Because here’s the deal, it’s not that big stuff that defines your life, for little ones. Within five seconds of stopping to think, you’re gonna decide not to do anything. And over time, that builds, that builds. And when you, when you repeat that pattern of hesitating, worrying, thinking, doubting, overthinking, analyzing, it now becomes a habit. And that’s bad and depressing but there’s also some good news. And the good news is that if worrying, thinking, doubting, hesitating, are just habits, you can use science to break them. You know, I want to say something to you. You’re not a worrier, you have a habit of worrying, big difference. You’re not a procrastinator, you have a habit of procrastinating, big difference. When you separate these behaviors from your identity and you look at them for what they are, just habits, just shitt you do that you don’t even think about; you have the power to break them. And you’re gonna use the five second rule to do it. And we’re gonna teach you how. And in fact is you read more about habit loops and starting rituals and activation energy and the role that feelings play in triggering your actions and your decisions, you’re appreciate the magnitude of the five second rule. And as you use the rule, you’re gonna see how change hinges on five second decisions and just how easily you can take back control.

The rule will work every single time you use it. That’s right, every single time you use this rule, it will work. But you gotta use it. It’s a tool if you stop using it, fear and uncertainty; it’s gonna creep back in and take control of your decisions. And if that happens, no problem, just use the five second rule again. Just like I did this morning in bed. Hey, I know better, I know I should spring out about like a rocket. That still doesn’t make it easy. What do I need to do? Simple, 54321. Activate my prefrontal cortex, push my butt out of bed. Boom, here we go, we’re on our way. Starting is the hardest part. And you know, the thing that’s also cool is that as you use it, you’re gonna experience a shift in yourself. And this shift is so much deeper than you realize. Because using the rule impacts your confidence and your inner strength. Because you know what happens? And this is the coolest part. Just like the analogy this morning in bed, you know, where immediately the alarm goes off. I had committed to going to yoga. It’s 5:15 in the morning. Who the hell wants to get out of the warm bed. When you use the rule, you’re gonna come face-to-face with excuses, habits, feelings, insecurities, fears, all these things that hold you back. You’re gonna see the bullshitt that you’ve put yourself through every single day. How often you’ve given up on yourself. And you’re also going to come face-to-face with how much precious time you’ve wasted waiting. Waiting to feel ready to change.

Using 54321, the waiting ends. Like right now, and you’re gonna be amazed by how much joy and freedom you feel by making five second decisions. Freedom is exactly the word that Robin used to describe the rule. She said, you know, thanks for the life-changing five second rule. There is freedom in taking action. My passion and vision for making a difference are huge, but my confidence sometimes lags. When in doubt, I 54321, apply the five second rule. And that’s what I’ve gained, too. Life-changing freedom. The person that I was seven years ago, the one that I described, drinking too much, fighting with my husband, no money to speak of, felt like the world’s worst mom; that person, gone. The jealousy, gone. The hiding, gone. And that’s a good thing. Evolving is a great thing. Not even just when your life hits the wall. Every phase of your life and your career will require a different you. Let me say that again. Every phase of your life and career will require a different you. Who does your life require right now? Using the rule, you can become the person you’re meant to become in this phase of your life. So what you say we dig into the basics of the rule so you can actually start using it right now.