ساختن اعتماد بنفس واقعی

This last section is going to help you become the most fulfilled person that you know. You know when as we nearing the end of the book, let me just recap everything that we’ve covered which is a hell of a lot. You’ve learned the story of the rule. You understand the concept of everyday courage. You’ve covered the tactical uses of the five second rules and I know now you can use the rule to change behavior. And you also know how you can use the rule to change your mind, your thoughts, your mindset. So now you’re ready to dive into the deeper and more soulful topics that are gonna impact your connection to yourself. First, let’s explore confidence and how you can build it using acts of everyday courage. You’re gonna learn about the surprising connection between confidence and personality. You’re also going to meet people who have had great success building their confidence and you’re gonna hear their deeply honest social media stories about how they reconnected with the most important person in their lives, themselves.

Second, you’re gonna learn how everyday courage helps you discover your passion. You’re gonna meet men and women around the world who are using the five second rule to win the battle with fear and self-doubt and find the courage to pursue what’s in their hearts. It’s my hope that their examples are gonna inspire you to do the same. And finally, we’re gonna explore what creates deep and meaningful connections in relationships and why courage is such a critical component. The amazing stories in this section will inspire you to make the most of the time that you have with the people that you love. And it’s gonna give you one simple thing that you can do it any moment and at any time to deepen your relationships. Bring tissues. This is my favorite section of the book because if you can enrich your self-confidence, passion, and connection with people, your life will transform in ways that you thought you could only dream of. So what do you say we dig in? Let’s start with chapter 15, building real confidence.

A big mistake that people make is thinking that confidence is a matter of personality. Confidence is not a matter of personality at all. Confidence just means that you believe in yourself. You believe in your ideas and you believe in your capabilities. Anyone can learn how to become more confident. That’s because it’s a skill not a personality trait. Now you have an extroverted personality and you might talk a lot but that doesn’t mean you’re confident. The most vocal person in the room might be really insecure and only says what he or she thinks will make them look good. I mean just look no further than me. For a really long time, I was a very loud person, a bossy person, I was crass. But the truth is, I felt insecure in myself. I didn’t believe in my ideas and I certainly didn’t believe in my abilities. Now let’s contrast that with the quietest people that you know. The quietest person in the room, they might actually be the most confident. Your best friend who’s an introvert might believe in her ideas with great confidence and she might actually get annoyed when you don’t ask her about them. I know this because I’m married to an introvert and my husband Chris he’s a very confident guy. And he does get very annoyed, in fact, when I don’t ask him what he’s thinking. You know, your friend who’s introverted and quiet, she might be afraid of speaking up because her face turns red. But I want you to understand. She’s not lacking confidence in her ideas. She’s lacking courage. See, she just needs a little courage to push herrself through the fear of being judged for having those bright red cheeks. You know I had an experience recently that illustrates the connection between confidence, courage, and personality. I want to tell you this story because it’s also gonna show you once again, this concept of authentic pride. We’ve mentioned that a few times in the book and it’s a really foundational concept in psychology. Authentic pride is the pride that you feel when you 54321 and you push yourself outside your comfort zone to do something that matters to. You surprise yourself. That’s why you feel proud of yourself. So let me tell you the story.

Recently had a chance to speak at Cisco Systems. Now, they’re one of the largest networking technology and services company in the entire world. A few months later, after I gave that first talk, I was invited back to give a similar talk. I guess it went pretty well the first time so they had me back. But this time it was to a much smaller group of just senior engineers at Cisco. So when I arrived for that second talk in San Jose, a man came running up to me as I was setting up with the AV team in the back of the room. I mean, he was so excited to see me. He came running up, he had his arms extended and he… Mel, Mel… He literally greeted me like he was an old pal. And look, I’m from the Midwest, so there’s nothing more than I love that a big hug. And he could hardly contain himself. He said oh my gosh. I was so excited to hear that you’re speaking at this event. I got something so exciting to tell you about the rule, Mel. So he had been in the audience several months before when I’d spoken at Cisco live and during that speech, as I often do I often give the audience a homework assignment that will help them start using the five second rule right away.

And here’s how the homework assignment goes. Basically, I tell everybody in the audience. Okay, I want you to introduce yourself to three strangers today at the conference using the five second rule. And then I explain what’s gonna happen when you use the five second rule. What’s gonna happen is you’re gonna leave the session, you’re gonna have been introduced to the five second role, you’re gonna walk out of the session, and suddenly you’re going to feel drawn toward somebody, okay? Your instincts are gonna fire up. And for what ever reason don’t doubt them, your instincts are gonna pull you toward somebody. I tell the audience look, you can be attracted to the person. Just don’t be a weirdo about it as you approach them, okay? Don’t get all stulker are shown people but just notice who you are drawn toward in a crowd. Start walking, 54321, start walking immediately. And I explain this is what you can expect because it sounds so simple, right? Everything in this book is simple, but it’s not easy. It’s not easy because your feelings and because your head is going to get involved. The moment that you see this person and the moment you realize, oh, this is what Mel’s talking about, this is that instinct, I need a 54321 and lean into it, guess what’s gonna happene? You’re gonna hesitate. That’s gonna wake up your mind and then your brains gonna get involved. And your brains gonna start saying things you like, ooh, well, the talking to somebody else. I don’t want to be rude. It would be rude if I go up. Then you got a look at them and you’re gonna think, ooh, well, you know we don’t a lot of time in this break so maybe I’ll catch him at the next session. No, you won’t catch. You’re gonna catch them at the next session? It’s now or it’s never. So whatever it is that your brain is gonna tell you the moment you hesitate, it’s bullshitt. You need to move now or else you’re gonna lose the moment.

So it was really cute because my new engineer friend, he was sitting there recapping my entire assignment. You know, when you said this and then you said that. And so then he tells me that right after the speech that something happened to him. So after the speech at Cisco live, he leaves the big auditorium. He floods out of that room with several thousand people. He’s standing in the hallway kind of just surveying the crowd to see who he’s gonna walk up to and boom, John Chambers walks by. I know you thinking, who the hell is John Chambers? John Chambers was the CEO of Cisco. So John Chambers starts walking by our engineering friend and he’s with a group of senior leaders in the company. Now you gotta understand something, John Chambers might as well be John Legend because John Chambers is a legend at Cisco Systems and from all accounts, he’s a really great guy. Chambers was the CEO for over, for 20 years. And what was interesting is this moment was really important one because at Cisco live, when I was speaking there, they were to be announcing the next day. That Chambers was stepping down as CEO and another guy, Chuck Robbins was gonna be taking over. So here he is walking right in front of our engineering friend, my engineering friend’s never met him. So he is standing in the hallway, fresh from learning the five second rule, he sees Chambers, his instincts fire up. He immediately has the urge to just walk right over to John Chambers introduce himself, thank chambers for inspiring him. He wanted to let him know that he felt so much pride being an engineer at Cisco. And he sits there and he’s telling me this, and he told me that he knew this was it. And then he froze, and Chambers walked by. And that was it. He blew it. It was, it was the push moment. That was it right there, the five second window had opened. He knew what he needed to do. He forgot to count. He just froze. And I was like, ah, man that stinks.

And he sat there and he was explaining to me. He said I felt paralyzed Mel. And then he, and then he had it in this bit about how he was introverted, right? That he’s shy. That this sort of thing doesn’t come naturally to him. That it’s really hard for him to walk up and introduce himself to people. And a lot of people write about this, by the way. If you find it very difficult to to go to a networking meeting or to introduce yourself to people that is extraordinarily common thing to struggle with. So the moment passes and of course what is he do? He beats himself up all day. He blew it. He blew it. I’m sure there are moments in your life that that that feel like this one. Where you had your opportunity and you chickened out. You had your opportunity and you got paralyzed. And and luckily that’s not the end of the story because the very next morning, our friend was taken to run. See in San Diego, there’s this really neat park downtown by the convention center, which is where Cisco live was being held. It’s called the Embarcadero. And it’s this big jogging path that runs past the Marina and all through the parks and pass the naval bases. It’s really super cool and it’s always filled with runners and joggers and so you know, our friend the engineer was out there the next morning and he had his headphones on and he was listening to music and he was taken a jog and taken it all and and all of the sudden, who do you suppose he sees ahead of him on the bike path? That’s right. None other than John Chambers. Now, Chambers was alone and he had his headphones on and he was jogging too. And my friend told me, he’s like I knew this was it. It was now or never. I was being given a second chance and I was not going to lose it. And he said, you know I was immediately concerned like immediately. He seize the opportunity. And what did I tell you? The moment your instincts fire up what’s gonna happen? Your brains gonna get involved. And he said, he could feel the window starting to close because now his mind started to say, oh, you know, Chambers is out on his own. It would be rude to interrupt them. You know I don’t if it would be out of place. He starts like thinking and then he caught himself. That’s all you need to do. The moment you catch yourself hesitating the moment you catch yourself starting to talk yourself out of something, that’s a moment of power. Start counting. Assert yourself. Lean into what you want to do and pull away from the things that are the excuses in your head. He went 54321, he sped up caught up, to Chambers, tapped him on the shoulders, apologize for interrupting and then he explained how we’d always wanted to thank him for such an incredible career that he had had at Cisco. Now, according to my friend, the two men stopped jogging, and they started walking. And they walked and talked for nearly 15 minutes, according to my friend. And he said that John Chambers was delightful and engaging. And they talked about all kinds of stuff, work and life. And my friend even felt the confidence to raise an idea that he had related to a project that he was working on, something that he saw some sort of process improvement and innovation if you will. Now at the end of the talk, according to my friend, Chambers shook his hand and thanked him for introducing himself and he even gave the engineer the name of a senior person in the organization in charge of innovation. And according to our friend said, hey, use my name and tell him we spoken that I wanted you to share your idea with him.

I gotta tell you something as my engineering friend stood there he was beaming. I mean, you know when somebody’s like just slit up? They’re so full of life. They just light up the room. He looked like he looked like a Christmas tree for crying out loud. He was so bright and then he said you know Mel, it was the highlight of my career. And if it hadn’t been for the five second rule, it never would’ve happened. And then he said, oh my gosh, I almost forgot, I’m know interviewing for a job with the guy Chambers introduce me to. How cool is that? Now, did he get the job? I have no idea. And here’s the thing, a new job isn’t the point of the story. It’s not why I’m telling you this. Because remember, remember back to the story that I told you about Tom at the bar? That the point of the story about Tom and the bar, it’s not about the girl. Whether Tom gets the girl or not, whether they get married, whether they had sex, wether they don’t talk. Like it, she doesn’t matter. Tom does. You see, there’s a power in making decisions. The power is within you. The reason why this story about the engineer is so important is not because of the fact that may lead to a new job. It’s because this singular experience where our friend the engineer discovered his courage and his confidence in a five second window, that has the potential to change more than his job. If he continues to use the rule, to listen to, to follow his instincts, it could very well change the trajectory of his life.

And you know, the thing that I want you to consider is he was lit up like a Christmas tree, not because he met the CEO of his company. I mean, that’s cool, but he was lit up because of the authentic pride that you feel when you honor your own desires and you take control of your life. It feels so good when you know that you can rely on yourself. I mean, remember, confidence in yourself is built through acts of courage. You prove it to yourself by showing yourself that your own instincts are worth acting on. That’s what he was experiencing, the radiance of knowing that he could count on himself. And the more that he practices pushing himself, the more confident he’ll become in himself, regardless of how shy and introverted he is. Remember, confidence is the small things you do that build trust in yourself. I received a message from a man named Bill that’s gonna help me illustrate this point about learning to trust yourself. Bill described a struggle that so many of us face with the level of raw honesty that is inspiring. Bill’s life on the outside sounds pretty remarkable. He’s married, has four great kids, a very successful career and he is the president of a professional association. Great life, ha? It sure sounds like it. But there’s something missing. And it’s a meaningful connection that Bill has with himself. And Bill is courageous enough to actually admit that he’s not living with conviction. And like so many of us, he’s developed a habit of hesitating, over thinking and then never doing or saying what he should be doing or saying. And Bill feels as though he’s lost somehow, the ability to make a real connection with people. See he’s forgotten the most important person he’s lost connection with, that’s himself. And when you lose touch with yourself, you will feel adrift. I want you to hear what he had to say this is what he wrote.

Thanks and kudos to you for having the guts to tell it like you see it. I’m 53, a father of four with three grown-up daughters and now a five-year-old kinder boy with the second wife. I’m a senior project manager for my company, as well as the manager of our construction department. I also volunteer with the local PMI chapter, just getting into my president’s term. It’s a great life, ha? Except I have an issue being the real me. I’ve lost somehow, the ability to make a real connection with people. Things are not very exciting in the bedroom. I struggle with knowing what I really want and I have a habit of hesitating over thinking then never doing or saying what I should be doing or saying. Nothing earth shattering, but just not living with conviction. My life doesn’t have that flavor of congruency. So the five second rule came into my life last Saturday at PMI national and little by little I’ve started the journey of a thousand steps. Being honest but tactful with people. Giving back every chance I get. Making tough decisions at work. Focusing on priorities and being able to say no when I need to. Getting out of bed and taking the dogs out. Just little steps but it is exhilarating, exciting, and also I am quietly learning to trust myself. A big difference because I’m moving forward.

You know a good life is made up of small steps. Making tough decisions. Being able to say no. Even getting out of bed and taking the dogs out just because you said you would. They’re may be little steps in learning to trust yourself but they are the most exhilarating moves that you can make because you’re making them for yourself. Bill’s not the only one. Tracy’s a 48-year-old stay-at-home mom felt stuck in a rut when she discovered the five second rule. And wam, like a light had been turned on. She now uses the rules to do things that are small in the big scheme of things, but the feeling and uplift that they give her is huge. I want you to hear a little bit about what she had to say. This is what she wrote. Most of the applications of the five second rule were small in the big scheme of things, but the feeling and uplift they gave me is huge. Here’s a brief list of some of the things I have done using the five second rule that I would not have done otherwise. I stood up and dance by myself at a music concert. I took and posted a picture of myself with an author I admire and I don’t like pictures of myself. I spoke in front of a congregation in my church. I spoke to my husband about something that was bothering me. I introduced myself to people I wanted to meet. And I have accomplished more around my home not putting things off is much. In and of themselves they are not earth shattering events but I did them because of the power behind the five second rule. I’m trying to use this tool now for things I consider to be bigger struggles, such as losing extra weight I’ve been carrying around for 25 years. And to getting up the courage to attend my 30 year high school reunion, considering the amount of weight that I’ve gained. I even use the five second rule to write and submit my story. I also try to share the message of the five second rule with others and have heard and seen some people putting it into practice for themselves. I know I will continue to use this empowering yet so simple life-changing formula. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m beginning to get unstuck and climb out of my rut. And I can’t wait to see what happens next.

You see, confidence builds when you do things that affirm your sense of self. Particularly when they are things that you might not normally do, like getting up on time. Speaking in front of your church or chasing down the CEO of Cisco on a bike path. These are acts of everyday courage and they build confidence. You know, Crystal attended the same Cisco live event as the engineer, that first big one. And she wrote to me about the five second rule. She realized after learning the rule that for the last eight years, she had second-guessed every single step she had taken. As she put it, I thought someone was interesting, and then a second later, my mind would give me a million reasons why I shouldn’t speak to them. So she started implementing 54321 right away. First by sitting next to people she didn’t know in a breakout session. The very next day when the instructor asked if anyone had any questions she realized she did but she was too embarrassed to ask then thought, you know what? You would’ve stood up if you stop thinking about it so I did. Using the five second rule, she stood up and asked her question. She also inspired two other women to stand up at a room full of male engineers and do the same. Next, she 54321 and made herrself go to a basketball game. Heck, instead of me summarizing it, let me tell you, in her words.

I hadn’t realized that for the past eight years I had second-guessed every step I had taken. I thought someone was interesting, and then a second later, my mind would give me a million reasons why not to try to speak to them. After having heard about your five second rule I found myself implementing it right away. I met people I wouldn’t have met had I not. I walked into a class full of people in search or people I knew to sit next to them and then said hey what are you doing? Get your butt over there and meet new people sit anywhere I did. Then when the instructor asked if anyone had any questions, I realized I did but was embarrassed to even ask, especially if I had to stand up. I then thought, you know what, you would’ve stood up if you just stop thinking about it so I did. I stood up and asked my question. After I did two other girls in the room full amended, too. It felt great. Later I was invited to watch a basketball game and at first it sounded great but then I thought I should rest at the hotel. I’m so glad I’ve decided to go with my first instinct. I met the Cisco VP and even obtained their card. The day I heard you at Cisco live has changed a lot about me. I have a new job that pays me the amount I deserve. I have a new title. I jumped up three positions. I finally took the leap to buy a house after many years of thinking about it. The least I can say is thank you,. Thank you for opening my eyes to the five second rule, which has made all the difference. And she’s not the only one.

Nobuo started using the five second rule after he was released from his job. Let me tell you what he said. He wrote, two years ago, I happen to watch your TED-X talk Mel, listening to the talk I became to realize that the five second rule might be able to work for me. After I was released from an executive director of the company, my life was changed completely. Not only mentally but also financially. I lost my motivation to create a new life and I felt like I’m incapable. However, the five second rule helped me a lot and I decided to apply the rule to my daily life. After starting to use a rule, little by little the power and energy has come back to my heart, my mind and my body. I often quote Mel’s comment on my blog and translate it into Japanese. Using the rule to practice acts of everyday courage. Remember, it’s little by little, that you’re gonna in a find what Crystal wrote about, the power and energy. It’s gonna come back into your heart, mind and body. It’s come back because when you prove to yourself, little by little, that you can count on yourself, you realize you do in fact have control and power in your life.

There’s one more point I want to make about personality and confidence. Remmember that engineer? Remmember what he said? Right after he described how he froze the first time he saw Chambers walk by in the hallway. Remember the excuse that he gave me? It was like an explanation. He said I’m an introvert. I’m shy. This sort of thing doesn’t come naturally to me. What if I told you that nothing about your life or personality is fixed or comes naturally anyway. Nothing comes naturally until you practice it, that’s why I keep saying you must practice acts of everyday courage. You see, you have the ability to improve, change or enrich every single aspect of your life through action. There is a professor at the University of Cambridge by the name of Brian little. I just love him and he gave this great it’s really funny. If you like a dry sense of humor you’re gonna want to watch it. His Ted talk is called who are you really, the puzzle of personality. Well, in it he talks about the difference between extroverts and introverts and the things that make us who we are. According to Prof. little it’s the doings. It’s the personal projects. And he describes how some of our traits are more fixed and automatic, but many of the things about you are free traits that you can adjust in order to advance a core project in your life. Prof. little explains that like the engineer at Cisco, he too is an introvert. He too is shy. However his core personal project is being a professor. He loves to profess. He loves to teach people the things that he’s studying. So even as an introvert, he quote acts out of character when he is up in front of the class so he can connect and teach his students. How does he do it? Through deliberate and purposeful action. He pushes himself. The engineer’s personal project was to express his gratitude to the CEO John Chambers. That’s why he had the instinct to act out of character. It wasn’t in his character, in his nature to walk up to somebody. But because this was a core project for him, it was important to him, it mattered. That’s why his instincts fired up. How did he actually push himself? You know the answer. The five second rule.

In both examples, two things are present, there is a desire to do something that’s meaningful. For Prof. little it’s teaching and connecting with students. For the engineer, it’s connecting with John Chambers and there’s also deliberate action. There is a push that you do on purpose to make yourself act out of character. Now look, does it feel harder for an introvert to walk up to a CEO or talk in front of a church or teach a class that it feels for an extrovert? Maybe, maybe not. It depends on how confident you are. It has nothing to do with whether or not your extroverted or introverted. And confidence, as you know is a skill that you build by pushing yourself. As Prof. little likes to say, you’re like some other people and like no other person.

What I do know is that the very first time you do anything, I don’t care if you’re introverted or extroverted, the very first time you do it, it’s gonna feel difficult. It might even feel a little scary. That’s okay. Expect it. You’re gonna need a little courage. The fact is you, me, we’re all capable of acting out of character when it serves an important purpose. And the most important purpose I can think of, is improving your life in ways that make you come alive and feel happy and fulfilled. So how do you act out of character? Simple, practice everyday courage using the five second rule. Those acts may not seem earth shattering, but they will shatter self-doubt over time. There is so much greatness inside each and every one of us. There is greatness inside of you, absolutely. And you know I want you to hear what Amber wrote when she discovered the five second rule and started using it. You are freaking incredible and because of you I now know so am I. I really love listening to you and she really loves the five second rule because she’s getting in touch with the incredible part of her, that’s right in there. And the same’s gonna happen to you. Which you know, I just want to go right back to the beginning point. The more that you push yourself, the more you will believe that you’re in control of your life. And as a result, the more confident you’re going to become. Even when what you need to do scares you to death. The rule is going to help you take the action that you need. Michelle found the courage, for example, to quit her toxic anxiety ridden job. And even though she scared of the unknown, she now feels more confident in herself. This is what she wrote.

I quit my toxic anxiety ridden job this week and while I am so scared of the unknown coming up, I’ve never felt more confident in myself and capabilities after learning the rule. I want to thank you so deeply for pushing me to go for something better. You’re changing me without even knowing it. No, Michelle, you’re changing yourself. As Michelle discovered doing things that scare you, actually makes you more confident because if you have the courage to take action when you’re afraid your confidence will follow. And every time you push yourself to speak when you’re nervous or act when you’re terrified or get to the gym when you don’t feel like it, you realize that you can rely on yourself to get anything done. And from this belief in your personal abilities will flow the mental confidence. J goes to a performing arts high school in Toronto. He’s always been nervous but now that he knows the rule, there’s a heck of a lot of cool stuff that’s going on. I can tell you that within a couple months of using the five second rule, this is what he wrote. I can tell you within a couple months of using the five second rule, it has really started to change my life. I go to a performing arts high school in Toronto. I love it. Every day I get to work with an inspiring team of teachers and directors. I’ve always loved performing and I’ve also always been nervous to go out for things. Putting the five second rule into practice, I find that I now have not only been getting more parts but I’ve gained a lot of self-confidence. I feel now I have the passion to inspire others as well.

The more you use the rule, the faster your confidence will grow. Stacy uses the rule almost every day to act with courage. Here’s what she has to say. Your rule is help me grow in ways I never thought possible. I have this confidence now that I never thought I was capable of having and I’m showing my team that it’s inside them as well. I no longer procrastinate on anything, which just that in itself is an amazing accomplishment for me. She’s using it to build her business. She no longer hides because of fear. And that’s why she feels so amazing. Throughout this book, you’ve heard stories of people who’ve taken very simple, very small steps forward and their entire outlook on life is changed. Now, it’s tempting to dismiss these stories because doesn’t it seem implausible? That by simply waking up on time every morning and taking the dogs out and learning to say no that you could actually create a chain of events that impacts your confidence and changes the trajectory of your life? It does seem absurd, doesn’t it? However, this is exactly how you do it. Stop focusing on the big things because when you focus on the big stuff you actually miss the important things. They’re really little. All you need to do is use 54321 go on this homeless stuff and you will see that these moments are not so small at all. As Bill said, daily courageous actions, the stuff that you said you would do, the stuff that in your heart you want to do, getting out of bed making tough decisions, being able to say no, giving back every chance you get, speaking in front of your church congregation and focusing on priorities. They create a ripple effect that change your life. These are little steps, but the payoff is everything that you want. Confidence, control and the sense of pride in yourself, that feels damn good.