من باید نجیب‌زاده بشم!

CHAPTER FIVE

I Must Become a Gentleman!

My life went on without change for two or three years. One day Miss Havisham looked up at me, and said, ‘You are getting tall, Pip. What is the name of your brother-in-law, the blacksmith?’

‘Joe Gargery, ma’am,’ I answered.

‘It is time for you to be apprenticed to him,’ Miss Havisham said. ‘Bring him with you one day. Bring him soon!’

So, two days later, Joe put on his Sunday clothes and boots. Looking very awkward and uncomfortable, he walked with me to Satis House, where Miss Havisham lived.

Estella opened the gate for us. She smiled scornfully at Joe and I felt ashamed of him.

Joe was so afraid of Miss Havisham that he refused to look at her. He stood near the door, turning his hat round and round in his strong hands.

Miss Havisham picked up a little bag from her dressing-table. She held it out to Joe.

‘It is time Pip became your apprentice,’ she said. ‘Pip has earned his premium and here it is.

‘There are twenty-five guineas in this bag, Pip,’ she said to me. ‘Give them to Joe Gargery. He is your master now. Goodbye.’

And she turned away.

I looked at Miss Havisham and Estella in despair.

‘But don’t you want me to come again, Miss Havisham?’ I asked.

‘No, Pip. Gargery is your master and you must work for him.

‘Pip has been a good boy here,’ Miss Havisham said to Joe. ‘This money is his reward. You are an honest man and will not expect more. Let them out, Estella.’

Bitterly disappointed, I led Joe from that strange room. He walked like a man in a dream.

And so I became a blacksmith. From that day, I lived in fear. Fear that Estella might see me at work with my dirty face and dirty hands. In my mind, I saw her beautiful face, with its hard, scornful smile.

A year passed. I still thought about Estella every day. I longed to see Estella again. So I decided to go to Satis House. I asked Joe for a holiday and he agreed to close the forge for a day.

When I reached Satis House, the gate was opened by a servant.

‘I hope you want nothing more, Pip. You’ll get no more money from me,’ Miss Havisham said when she saw me.

‘That is not why I am here, Miss Havisham,’ I replied. ‘I want you to know I am doing well in my apprenticeship, that is all. I shall always be grateful to you.’

‘Well, Pip, you can come and see me sometimes,’ Miss Havisham answered. ‘Come every year on your birthday. As you see, I am alone now.’

‘I… I hope Estella is well,’ I said.

‘Estella is very well,’ Miss Havisham replied. ‘And she is more beautiful than ever. She is in France, being educated to be a lady.

‘Do you feel that you have lost her, Pip?’ she added, with a cruel smile.

I could not answer. Miss Havisham laughed. I said goodbye to her and walked sadly home.

When I reached the forge, I was surprised to see a crowd of people outside.

I ran into the kitchen. Joe was there, and the doctor. My poor sister, Mrs Joe Gargery, was lying quiet and still on the floor.

Someone had attacked Mrs Joe when she was alone in the house. She was not dead, but terribly injured, unable to walk or speak.

My sister lay in bed for many weeks. At last she was able to sit downstairs. But her sharp voice was quiet forever. She never spoke again. From that day onwards someone had to look after Mrs Joe all the time. And so Biddy came into our lives.

Biddy was the same age as me. But she was not beautiful like Estella. How could she be beautiful? She was only a common girl from the village. But Biddy’s eyes were bright. She had a sweet smile and was sensible and kind.

The years passed. I visited Satis House every year, on my birthday. I never saw Estella, but I did not forget her. I longed to be educated, like Estella. I wanted Estella to think well of me and to like me. I wanted Estella’s respect and admiration. How stupid I was!

It was summer. One Sunday afternoon, Biddy and I went for a walk on the marshes. There were ships on the river, sailing slowly towards the sea. I remembered Estella, far away in another country. I began, as usual, to dream of my plans for the future.

We sat down by the river and watched the water flow slowly by.

‘Biddy, I am going to tell you a secret,’ I said. ‘You must never speak of it to anyone.’

Biddy looked at me in surprise. She promised to tell no one.

‘Biddy,’ I went on, ‘I hate being a blacksmith like Joe. I want to be a gentleman.’

Biddy smiled and shook her head.

‘Oh no, Pip,’ she answered. ‘That wouldn’t be right at all.’

‘But I have important reasons for wanting to be a gentleman,’ I told her.

‘Don’t you think you are happier as you are, Pip?’ Biddy said gently.

‘Happy?’ I repeated. ‘I can never be happy here, Biddy. Someone I admire and respect very much said I’m stupid and common. I must become a gentleman. I must.’

‘Who called you stupid and common?’ Biddy asked. ‘That was not a true or a polite thing to say.’

‘A young lady I met at Miss Havisham’s,’ I replied. ‘The young lady is beautiful and I love her very much. She is the reason why I must become a gentleman.’

‘Do you want to be a gentleman to hurt her or to make her respect you?’ Biddy asked me quietly.

‘I don’t know.’

‘I think you should forget her,’ Biddy said. ‘She has been rude and cruel to you. The young lady is not worth your respect.’

‘You may be right, Biddy,’ I said, ‘I believe you are. But I love her very, very much.’

Tears came into my eyes. I threw myself on the ground in despair.

Biddy touched my hair gently.

‘Thank you for telling me this, Pip,’ she said. ‘I will always keep your secret.’

I sat up.

‘And I will always tell you everything, Biddy dear,’ I said.

‘Yes, I’m sure you will, Pip,’ Biddy replied. She smiled sadly.

But I had not told Biddy everything. I believed that Miss Havisham had plans for me. I hoped that she would give me money for my education, money to make me a gentleman. If I had money and education, Estella would love me as I loved her. I hoped that Miss Havisham would make it possible for me to marry Estella.