جمعه پنجم می 1944

FRIDAY, MAY 5, 1944

Dear Kitty,

Father’s unhappy with me. After our talk on Sunday he thought I’d stop going upstairs every evening. He won’t have any of that “Knutscherej”* [* Necking] going on. I can’t stand that word. Talking about it was bad enough-why does he have to make me feel bad too! I’ll have a word with him today. Margot gave me some good advice.

Here’s more or less what I’d like to say:

I think you expect an explanation from me, Father, so I’ll give you one. You’re disap- pointed in me, you expected more restraint from me, you no doubt want me to act the way a fourteen-year-old is supposed to. But that’s where you’re wrong!

Since we’ve been here, from July 1942 until a few weeks ago, I haven’t had an easy time. If only you knew how much I used to cry at night, how unhappy and despondent I was, how lonely I felt, you’d understand my wanting to go upstairs! I’ve now reached the point where I don’t need the support of Mother or anyone else. It didn’t happen overnight. I’ve struggled long and hard and shed many tears to become as independent as I am now. You can laugh and refuse to believe me, but I don’t care. I know I’m an independent person, and I don’t feel I need to account to you for my actions. I’m only telling you this because I don’t want you to think I’m doing things behind your back. But there’s only one person I’m accountable to, and that’s me.

When I was having problems, everyone-and that includes you-closed their eyes and ears and didn’t help me. On the contrary, all I ever got were admonitions not to be so noisy. I was noisy only to keep myself from being miserable all the time. I was overconfident to keep from having to listen to the voice inside me. I’ve been putting on an act for the last year and a half, day in, day out. I’ve never complained or dropped my mask, nothing of the kind, and now. . . now the battle is over. I’ve won! I’m independent, in both body and mind. I don’t need a mother anymore, and I’ve emerged from the struggle a stronger person. Now that it’s over, now that I know the battle has been won, I want to go my own way, to follow the path that seems right to me. Don’t think of me as a fourteen-year-old, since all these troubles have made me older; I won’t regret my actions, I’ll behave the way I think I should!

Gentle persuasion won’t keep me from going upstairs. You’ll either have to forbid it, or trust me through thick and thin. Whatever you do, just leave me alone!

Yours, Anne M. Frank

SATURDAY, MAY 6, 1944

Dearest Kitty,

Last night before dinner I tucked the letter I’d written into Father’s pocket. According to Margot, he read it and was upset for the rest of the evening. (I was upstairs doing the dishes!) Poor Pim, I might have known what the effect of such an epistle would be. He’s so sensitive! I immediately told Peter not to ask any questions or say anything more. Pim’s said nothing else to me about the matter. Is he going to?

Everything here is more or less back to normal. We can hardly believe what Jan, Mr. Kugler and Mr. Kleiman tell us about the prices and the people on the outside; half a pound of tea costs 350.00 guilders, half a pound of coffee 80.00 guilders, a pound of butter 35.00 guilders, one egg 1.45 guilders. People are paying 14.00 guilders an ounce for Bulgarian tobacco! Everyone’s trading on the black market; every errand boy has something to offer. The delivery boy from the bakery has supplied us with darning thread-90 cents for one measly skein-the milkman can get hold of ration books, an undertaker delivers cheese. Break-ins, murders and thefts are daily occurrences. Even the police and night watchmen are getting in on the act. Everyone wants to put food in their stomachs, and since salaries have been frozen, people have had to resort to swindling. The police have their hands full trying to track down the many girls of fifteen, sixteen, seventeen and older who are reported missing every day.

I want to try to finish my story about Ellen, the fairy. Just for fun, I can give it to Father on his birthday, together with all the copyrights.

See you later! (Actually, that’s not the right phrase. In the German program broadcast from England they always close with “Aufwiederhoren.” So I guess I should say, “Until we write again.”)

Yours, Anne M. Frank

SUNDAY MORNING, MAY 7,1944

Dearest Kitty,

Father and I had a long talk yesterday afternoon. I cried my eyes out, and he cried too. Do you know what he said to me, Kitty?

“I’ve received many letters in my lifetime, but none as hurtful as this. You, who have had so much love from your parents. You, whose parents have always been ready to help you, who have always defended you, no matter what. You talk of not having to account to us for your actions! You feel you’ve been wronged and left to your own devices. No, Anne, you’ve done us a great injustice! “Perhaps you didn’t mean it that way, but that’s what you wrote. No, Anne, we have done nothing to deserve such a reproach!”

Oh, I’ve failed miserably. This is the worst thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. I used my tears to show off, to make myself seem important so he’d respect me. I’ve certainly had my share of unhappiness, and everything I said about Mother is true. But to accuse Pim, who’s so good and who’s done everything for me-no, that was too cruel for words.

It’s good that somebody has finally cut me down to size, has broken my pride, because I’ve been far too smug. Not everything Mistress Anne does is good! Anyone who deliberately causes such pain to someone they say they love is despicable, the lowest of the low!

What I’m most ashamed of is the way Father has forgiven me; he said he’s going to throw the letter in the stove, and he’s being so nice to me now, as if he were the one who’d done something wrong. Well, Anne, you still have a lot to learn. It’s time you made a beginning, in- stead of looking down at others and always giving them the blame!

I’ve known a lot of sorrow, but who hasn’t at my age? I’ve been putting on an act, but was hardly even aware of it. I’ve felt lonely, but never desperate! Not like Father, who once ran out into the street with a knife so he could put an end to it all. I’ve never gone that far.

I should be deeply ashamed of myself, and I am. What’s done can’t be undone, but at least you can keep it from happening again. I’d like to start all over, and that shouldn’t be difficult, now that I have Peter. With him supporting me, I know I can do it! I’m not alone anymore. He loves me, I love him, I have my books, my writing and my diary. I’m not all that ugly, or that stupid, I have a sunny disposition, and I want to develop a good character!

Yes, Anne, you knew full well that your letter was unkind and untrue, but you were actually proud of it! I’ll take Father as my example once again, and I will improve myself.

Yours, Anne M. Frank