پنجشنبه شانزدهم مارس 1944

THURSDAY, MARCH 16, 1944

Dearest Kitty,

The weather is gorgeous, indescribably beautiful; I’ll be going up to the attic in a moment.

I now know why I’m so much more restless than Peter. He has his own room, where he can work, dream, think and sleep. I’m constantly being chased from one corner to another. I’m never alone in the room I share with Dussel, though I long to be so much. That’s another reason I take refuge in the attic. When I’m there, or with you, I can be myself, at least for a little while. Still, I don’t want to moan and groan. On the contrary, I want to be brave! Thank goodness the others notice nothing of my innermost feelings, except that every day I’m growing cooler and more contemptuous of Mother, less affectionate to Father and less willing to share a single thought with Margot; I’m closed up tighter than a drum. Above all, I have to maintain my air of confidence. No one must know that my heart and mind are constantly at war with each other. Up to now reason has always won the battle, but will my emotions get the upper hand? Sometimes I fear they will, but more often I actually hope they do!

Oh, it’s so terribly hard not to talk to Peter about these things, but I know I have to let him begin; it’s so hard to act during the daytime as if everything I’ve said and done in my dreams had never taken place! Kitty, Anne is crazy, but then these are crazy times and even crazier circumstances.

The nicest part is being able to write down all my thoughts and feelings; otherwise, I’d absolutely suffocate. I wonder what Peter thinks about all these things? I keep thinking I’ll be able to talk to him about them one day. He must have guessed something about the inner me, since he couldn’t possibly love the outer Anne he’s known so far! How could someone like Peter, who loves peace and quiet, possibly stand my bustle and noise? Will he be the first and only person to see what’s beneath my granite mask? Will it take him long? Isn’t there some old saying about love being akin to pity? Isn’t that what’s happening here as well? Because I often pity him as much as I do myself!

I honestly don’t know how to begin, I really don’t, so how can I expect Peter to when talking is so much harder for him? If only I could write to him, then at least he’d know what I was trying to say, since it’s so hard to say it out loud!

Yours, Anne M. Frank

FRIDAY, MARCH 17, 1944

My dearest darling,

Everything turned out all right after all; Bep just had a sore throat, not the flu, and Mr. Kugler got a medical certificate to excuse him from the work detail. The entire Annex breathed a huge sigh of relief. Everything’s fine here! Except that Margot and I are rather tired of our parents.

Don’t get me wrong. I still love Father as much as ever and Margot loves both Father and Mother, but when you’re as old as we are, you want to make a few decisions for yourself, get out from under their thumb. Whenever I go upstairs, they ask what I’m going to do, they won’t let me salt my food, Mother asks me every evening at eight-fifteen if it isn’t time for me to change into my nighty, I and they have to approve every book I read. I must admit, they’re not at all strict about that and let me read nearly everything, but Margot and I are sick and tired of having to listen to their comments and questions all day long.

There’s something else that displeases them: I no longer feel like giving them little kisses morning, noon and night. All those cute nicknames seem so affected, and Father’s fondness for talking about farting and going to the bathroom is disgusting. In short, I’d like nothing better than to do without their company for a while, and they don’t understand that. Not that Margot and I have ever said any of this to them. What would be the point? They wouldn’t understand anyway.

Margot said last night, “What really bothers me is that if you happen to put your head in your hands and sigh once or twice, they immediately ask whether you have a headache or don’t feel well.”

For both of us, it’s been quite a blow to suddenly realize that very little remains of the close and harmoni- ous family we used to have at home! This is mostly because everything’s out of kilter here. By that I mean that we’re treated like children when it comes to external matters, while, inwardly, we’re much older than other girls our age. Even though I’m only fourteen, I know what I want, I know who’s right and who’s wrong, I have my own opinions, ideas and principles, and though it may sound odd coming from a teenager, I feel I’m more of a person than a child-I feel I’m completely independent of others. I know I’m better at debating or carrying on a discussion than Mother, I know I’m more objective, I don’t exaggerate as much, I’m much tidier and better with my hands, and because of that I feel (this may make you laugh) that I’m superior to her in many ways. To love someone, I have to admire and respect the person, but I feel neither respect nor admiration for Mother!

Everything would be all right if only I had Peter, since I admire him in many ways. He’s so decent and clever!

Yours, Anne M. Frank