سؤال و جواب‌

Chapter ten

Questions and Answers

The weather was wet and cold for over a week. We did not go down to the beach again. I could see the sea from the terrace and the lawns. It looked cold and grey. When I stood on the terrace, I could hear the sound of great waves on the shore. I began to understand why some people hated the low, angry voice of the sea.

I was glad that our rooms were in the east wing. If I could not sleep, I went to the window and looked out on to the rose-garden. I was not troubled by the sea’s unhappy music.

Sometimes I thought about the cottage down in the bay. There were so many questions I wanted to ask Maxim. I could not forget the lost look in Maxim’s eyes. I could not forget his words: ‘I was a fool to bring you back to Manderley.’

It was all my fault. I had gone down into the bay. I had reminded Maxim of the past. We lived our lives together sleeping, eating, walking. But, every hour of the day, the past made a wall between us.

I became nervous and afraid. I did not want anyone to talk about the sea or boats. When visitors came to Manderley, I was shy and awkward. I knew that they compared me with Rebecca. She had been charming, interested in everyone. I was dull and stupid, like a schoolgirl.

One afternoon, I was having tea alone when the wife of the bishop called. She was a kind woman and tried hard to make me talk. At last she said, ‘Will your husband hold the Manderley Fancy Dress Ball this year? I remember the last one so well. It was such a lovely sight. I shall never forget it.’

I smiled and said, ‘We have not decided. There have been so many things to do.’

I could not tell the woman that Maxim had never spoken about the ball.

‘Manderley looked so beautiful,’ the bishop’s wife went on. ‘And there was dancing, and music and flowers everywhere.’

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Yes, I must ask Maxim about it.’

‘We came to a garden-party too, one summer,’ the bishop’s wife went on. ‘It was a lovely day. We all had tea in the rose-garden. It was such a clever idea. Of course, she was a clever person.’

She stopped, her face rather red. I heard myself saying, ‘Rebecca must have been a wonderful person.’

I had said her name at last. ‘Rebecca.’ I had said it aloud.

‘You never met her then’ the woman asked. ‘Yes, she was a lovely person. So full of life. Everyone loved her.’

‘She was so good at everything too,’ I said. ‘Clever, beautiful and fond of sport.’

‘Rebecca was certainly beautiful,’ my visitor went on. ‘I remember her on the night of the Ball. She had a cloud of dark hair. Her skin was very white. And she had such a lovely dress.’

‘She looked after everything in the house, too,’ I said. ‘I’m afraid I leave it all to the housekeeper.’

‘Oh well, you are very young, aren’t you? We can’t all do everything. I must go now. Do ask your husband to have another ball.’

‘Yes, of course I will.’

I sat in the library after my visitor had gone. I thought about Manderley, full of people in beautiful costumes, dancing in the hall. I thought of Rebecca, lively and beautiful, arranging everything. What must people think about me?

I suddenly sat up straight. I did not mind. I did not care. I was Mrs de Winter now, not Rebecca. I decided that I would find out more about the Fancy Dress Ball. But I did not want to ask Maxim.

Later that afternoon, Frank Crawley came up to the house.

‘I have been hearing about the Fancy Dress Ball, Frank,’ I said. ‘I did not know you had dances here.’

Frank did not reply at once. Then he said, ‘The Manderley Ball was held every year. People came from miles around. They even came down from London.’

‘It must have been a lot of work,’ I said. ‘I suppose Rebecca did most of it.’

Frank looked straight ahead.

‘We all helped,’ he said.

‘Will you ask Maxim about the Ball’ I asked. ‘It does seem a good idea.’

Frank did not answer me.

‘I went into that cottage in the bay a few days ago,’ I said. ‘It’s very dirty. Why doesn’t someone do something about it?’

‘Maxim would tell me if he wanted anything done,’ Frank replied.

‘Are they Rebecca’s things’ I asked.

‘Yes,’ Frank said.

‘Did Rebecca use the cottage a lot?’

‘Yes, she did. She slept in the cottage sometimes. She had moonlight picnics on the shore.’

I noticed that Frank always called Rebecca ‘she’. He never used her name.

‘Why is there a buoy in the bay’ I asked. ‘There’s no boat there. What happened to it? Was it the boat Rebecca was sailing when she died?’

‘Yes,’ said Frank, quietly. ‘It turned over and sank. She was washed overboard and drowned. The sea is sometimes very rough in the bay.’

‘Couldn’t anyone have helped her’ I asked.

‘Nobody saw the accident. Nobody knew she was sailing. She often went out alone like that.’

‘When did they find her?’ I felt I must know everything now. I had been thinking about that terrible night for so long.

‘They found her two months later. The sea had carried her forty miles up the coast. Maxim had to identify the body.’

Suddenly I was ashamed of all my questions.

‘Frank,’ I said, ‘I’m sorry I asked you all those questions. But everything is so strange to me at Manderley. And when I meet anyone new, I know what they are thinking: “How different she is from Rebecca.” ‘

‘Mrs de Winter, you mustn’t think that,’ said Frank, looking at me for the first time. ‘I am so glad you have married Maxim. It will make such a difference to his life. And Manderley needs someone like you, someone young, fresh and charming.’

‘But Rebecca was so charming - and clever. People still remember her.’

‘Maxim would be very unhappy to hear you talking like this, Mrs de Winter. Forget the past, as Maxim has done. None of us want to bring back the past. Your job here is to lead us away from it.’

I was much happier now. But I had to ask Frank one more question.

Tell me, Frank,’ I said. ‘Was Rebecca very beautiful?’

Frank turned away from me so that I could not see his face.

‘Yes,’ he said slowly. ‘Yes, I suppose she was the most beautiful woman I ever saw in my life.’