فصل 10

• THE VICTIMITIS VIRUS

Some people suffer from a contagious virus I call “victimitis.” Perhaps you’ve seen it. People infected with victimitis believe that everyone has it in for them and that the world owes them something … which isn’t the case at all. I like the way author Mark Twain put it: “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” I played college football with a guy who, unfortunately, became infected. His comments drove me crazy: “I would be starting, but the coaches have something against me.”

“I was about to intercept the ball, but somebody cut me off.”

“I would have got a better 40-yard-dash time, but my shoes came loose.” “Yeah, sure,” I always felt like saying. “And I’d be President if my dad weren’t bald.” To me, it was little wonder that he never played. In his mind, the problem was always “out there.” He never considered that perhaps his attitude was the problem.

Besides feeling like victims, reactive people:

• Are easily offended

• Blame others

• Get angry and say things they later regret

• Whine and complain

• Wait for things to happen to them

• Change only when they have to

• IT PAYS TO BE PROACTIVE

Proactive people are a different breed. Proactive people:

• Are not easily offended

• Take responsibility for their choices

• Think before they act

• Bounce back when something bad happens

• Always find a way to make it happen

• Focus on things they can do something about, and don’t worry about things they can’t I remember starting a new job and working with a guy named Randy. I don’t know what his problem was, but for some reason Randy didn’t like me, and he wanted me to know it. He’d say rude and insulting things to me. He was constantly talking behind my back and getting others to side with him against me. I remember returning from a vacation one time and a friend telling me, “Boy, Sean, if you only knew what Randy has been saying about you. You’d better watch your back.” There were times I wanted to pound the guy, but I somehow managed to keep my cool and ignore his silly attacks. Whenever he insulted me, I made it a personal challenge to treat him well in return. I had faith that things would work out in the end if I acted this way.

In a matter of a few months things began to change. Randy could see that I wasn’t going to play his game and began to lighten up. He even told me one time, “I’ve tried to offend you, but you won’t take offense.” After being at the company for about a year, we became friends and gained respect for each other. Had I reacted to his attacks, which was my feline instinct, I’m certain we wouldn’t be friends today. Often all it takes is one person to create a friendship.

Mary Beth discovered for herself the benefits of being proactive:

I had taken a class at school where we had talked about proactivity, and I had wondered about how to really apply it. One day as I was checking groceries for a guy, he suddenly told me that the groceries I had just rung up weren’t his. My first reaction was to say, “You idiot,” then put the bar down between the other customer’s groceries. “Why didn’t you stop me sooner?” So I have to delete it all and call to get the changes approved by a supervisor while he just stands there and thinks it’s funny. Meanwhile the air is rising and I’m getting real irritated. To top it off he then has the nerve to question the price I charged him for the broccoli.

To my horror, I discovered that he was right. I had put the wrong code numbers in the register for the broccoli. Now I was extra irritated and so tempted to lash out at him to cover for my own mistake. But then this idea popped into my mind: “Be Proactive.” So I said, “You are right, sir. It’s completely my fault. I will correct the pricing. It will just take a couple of seconds.” I also remembered that being proactive doesn’t mean you’re a doormat, so I reminded him nicely that to avoid this kind of thing in the future he would need to always put the bar down that separates orders.

It felt so good. I had apologized, but I had also said what I wanted to say. It was such a simple little thing, but it gave me such inner conversion and confidence in this habit.

At this point you’re probably ready to shoot me and say, “Now come on, Sean. It’s not that easy.” I won’t argue with you. Being reactive is so much easier. It’s easy to lose your cool. That doesn’t take any control. And it’s easy to whine and complain. Without question, being proactive is the higher road.

But, remember, you don’t have to be perfect. In reality, you and I aren’t either completely proactive or reactive but probably some-where in between. The key then is to get in the habit of being proactive so you can run on autopilot and not even have to think about it. If you’re choosing to be proactive 20 out of 100 times on average each day, try doing it 30 out of 100 times. Then 40. Never underestimate the huge difference small changes can make.

• WE CAN CONTROL ONLY ONE THING

The fact is, we can’t control everything that happens to us. We can’t control the color of our skin, who will win the NBA finals, where we were born, who our parents are, how much tuition will be next fall, or how others might treat us. But there is one thing we can control: how we respond to what happens to us. And that is what counts! This is why we need to stop worrying about things we can’t control and start worrying about things we can.

Picture two circles. The inner circle is our circle of control. It includes things we have control over, such as ourselves, our attitudes, our choices, our response to whatever happens to us. Surrounding the circle of control is the circle of no control. It includes the thousands of things we can’t do anything about.

Now, what will happen if we spend our time and energy worrying about things we can’t control, like a rude comment, a past mistake, or the weather? You guessed it! We’ll feel even more out of control, as if we were victims. For instance, if your sister bugs you and you’re always complaining about her weaknesses (something you have no control over), that won’t do anything to fix the problem. It’ll only cause you to blame your problems on her and lose power yourself.

Renatha told me a story that illustrates this point. A week before her upcoming volleyball game, Renatha learned that the mother of a player on the opposing team had made fun of Renatha’s volleyball skills. Instead of ignoring the comments, Renatha became angry and spent the rest of the week stewing. When the game arrived, her only goal was to prove to this mother that she was a good player. To make a long story short, Renatha played poorly, spent much of her time on the bench, and her team lost the game. She was so focused on something she couldn’t control (what was said about her) that she lost control of the only thing she could, herself.

Proactive people, on the other hand, focus elsewhere … on the things they can control. By doing so they experience inner peace and gain more control of their lives. They learn to smile about and live with the many things they can’t do anything about. They may not like them, but they know it’s no use worrying.

• TURNING SETBACKS INTO TRIUMPHS

Life often deals us a bad hand and it is up to us to control how we respond. Every time we have a setback, it’s an opportunity for us to turn it into a triumph, as this account by Brad Lemley from Parade magazine illustrates: “It’s not what happens to you in life, it’s what you do about it,” or so says W. Mitchell, a self-made millionaire, a sought-after speaker, a former mayor, a river rafter and sky-diver. And he accomplished all this after his accidents.

If you saw Mitchell you’d find this hard to believe. You see, this guy’s face is a patchwork of multi-colored skin grafts, the fingers of both his hands are either missing or mere stubs, and his paralyzed legs lie thin and useless under his slacks. Mitchell says sometimes people try to guess how he was injured. A car wreck? Vietnam? The real story is more astounding than one could ever imagine. On June 19, 1971, he was on top of the world. The day before, he had bought a beautiful new motorcycle. That morning, he soloed in an airplane for the first time. He was young, healthy, and popular.

“That afternoon, I got on that motorcycle to ride to work,” he recalls, “and at an intersection, a laundry truck and I collided. The bike went down, crushed my elbow and fractured my pelvis, and the gas can popped open on the motorcycle. The gas poured out, the heat of the engine ignited it, and I got burned over 65 percent of my body.” Fortunately, a quick-thinking man in a nearby car lot doused Mitchell with a fire extinguisher and saved his life.

Even so, Mitchell’s face had been burned off, his fingers were black, charred, and twisted, his legs were nothing but raw, red flesh. It was common for first-time visitors to look at him and faint. He was unconscious for two weeks, and then he awakened.

Over four months, he had 13 transfusions, 16 skin-graft operations, and several other surgeries. Four years later, after spending months in rehabilitation and years learning to adapt to his new handicaps, the unthinkable happened. Mitchell was involved in a freak airplane crash, and was paralyzed from the waist down. “When I tell people there were two separate accidents,” he says, “they can hardly stand it.” After his paralyzing plane crash accident, Mitchell recalls meeting a nineteen-year-old patient in the hospital’s gymnasium. “This guy had also been paralyzed. He had been a mountain climber, a skier, an active outdoors person, and he was convinced his life was over. Finally, I went over to this guy and said, ‘You know something? Before all this happened to me, there were 10,000 things I could do. Now there are 9,000. I could spend the rest of my life dwelling on the 1,000 that I lost, but I choose to focus on the 9,000 that are left.’” Mitchell says his secret is twofold. First is the love and encouragement of friends and family, and second is a personal philosophy he has gleaned from various sources. He realized he did not have to buy society’s notion that one must be handsome and healthy to be happy. “I am in charge of my own spaceship,” he states emphatically. “It is my up, my down. I could choose to see this situation as a setback or a starting point.” I like how Helen Keller put it, “So much has been given to me. I have no time to ponder that which has been denied.” Although most of our setbacks won’t be as severe as Mitchell’s, all of us will have our fair share. You might get dumped by a girl-friend, you may lose an election at school, you may get beaten up by a gang, you may not get accepted to the school of your choice, you may become seriously ill. I hope and believe that you will be proactive and strong in these defining moments.

I remember a major set-back of my own. Two years after I had become the starting quarterback in college, I seriously injured my knee, fell behind, and subsequently lost my position. I vividly recall Coach calling me into his office just before the season began and telling me they were handing the starting job to someone else.

I felt sick. I had worked my whole life to get to this position. It was my senior year. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

As a backup, I had a choice to make. I could complain, bad-mouth the new guy, and feel sorry for myself. Or … I could make the most of the situation.

Luckily, I decided to deal with it. I was no longer throwing touchdowns, but I could help in other ways. So I swallowed my pride and began supporting the new guy and the rest of the team. I worked hard and prepared myself for each game as if I were the starter. And, more significant, I chose to keep my chin up.

Was it easy? Not at all. I often felt like a failure. Sitting out every game after being the starter was humiliating. And keeping a good attitude was a constant struggle.

Was it the right choice? Definitely. Even though I wore out my bum on the bench all year, I contributed to the team in other ways. Most important, I took responsibility for my attitude. I cannot begin to tell you what a positive difference this singular decision made in my life.