فصل 29

Comparing

Comparing is competition’s twin. And just as cancerous. Comparing yourself to others is nothing but bad news. Why? Because we’re all on different development timetables. Socially, mentally, and physically. Since we all bake differently, we shouldn’t keep opening the oven door to see how well our cake is rising compared to our neighbor’s, or our own cake won’t rise at all. Although some of us are like the poplar tree, which grows like a weed the moment it’s planted, others are like the bamboo tree, which shows no growth for four years but then grows ninety feet in year five.

I once heard it described this way: Life is like a great obstacle course. Each person has their own course, separated from every other course by tall walls. Your course comes complete with customized obstacles designed specifically for your personal growth. So what good does it do to climb the wall to see how well your neighbor is doing or to check out his obstacles in comparison to your own?

Building your life based on how you stack up compared to others is never good footing. If I get my security from the fact that my GPA is higher than yours or my friends are more popular than yours, then what happens when someone comes along with a higher GPA or more popular friends? Comparing ourselves makes us feel like a wave of the sea tossed to and fro by the wind. We go up and down, feeling inferior one moment and superior the next, confident one moment and intimidated the next. The only good comparison is comparing yourself against your own potential.

I love how noted author Paul H. Dunn put it in a speech entitled “On Feeling Inferior”: I have noticed that daily we meet moments that steal our self-esteem. They are inevitable. Pick up any magazine; you see people who look healthier, skinnier, or better dressed than you are. Look around. There is always someone who seems smarter, another more self-assured, still another more talented. In fact, each day we are reminded that we lack certain talents, that we make mistakes, that we do not excel in all things. And amidst all this, it is easy to believe that we do not quite measure up in the great scheme of things, but are inferior in some secret way.

If you base your self-esteem, your feeling of self-worth, on anything outside the quality of your heart, your mind, or your soul, you have based it on a very shaky footing. So you and I are not perfect in form or physical figure. So you and I are not the richest, the wisest, the wittiest. So what?

I once interviewed a girl named Anne, who got caught in the web of comparisons for several years before managing to escape. She has a message for those who are caught: My problems began during my freshman year when I entered Clayton Valley High School. Most of the kids in my high school had money. And how you dressed was everything. The big question was: Who is wearing what today? There were even some unspoken rules about clothes, such as never wear the same thing twice and never wear the same thing as someone else. Brand names and expensive jeans were a must. You had to have every color, every style.

During my freshman year, I had a boyfriend who was a junior and whom my parents didn’t like. Our relationship was good at first, but after a while, he began to make me feel self-conscious. He would say things like, “Why can’t you look like her?” “How come you’re so fat?” “If you just changed a little bit you’d be just right.” I began to believe my boyfriend. I started looking at other girls and analyzing all the reasons I wasn’t as good as them. Even though I had a closet full of clothes, I remember having anxiety attacks because I couldn’t decide what to wear. I even began shoplifting because I wanted to have the latest and best clothes. After a while, who I was hinged upon who I was with, what I looked like, and what kind of clothes I had on. I never felt good enough, for anyone.

To cope, I started to binge and purge. The eating gave me comfort and the purging gave me some strange form of control. Although I wasn’t fat, I was so scared of being fat. It soon became a big part of my life. I started throwing up thirty to forty times a day. I would do it at school, in the bathrooms, and anywhere else I could find. It was my secret I couldn’t tell my parents because I didn’t want to let them down.

I remember being asked by the popular group one time to go to the football game. They were sixteen, one year older than me. I was so excited! My mom and I worked and worked to find me the perfect outfit. I waited by the window for hours, but they never came to pick me up. I felt so worthless. I thought, “I wasn’t picked up because I wasn’t cool enough or didn’t have the right look.” Finally, it all came to a head. While I was on stage performing in a play, I suddenly became totally disoriented and passed out. Waking up in the dressing room, I found my mom at my side. “I need help,” I whispered.

Admitting that I had a problem was the first step to my recovery, which took several years. Looking back now, I can’t believe I got myself into that state of mind. I had everything I needed to be happy yet I was so miserable. I was a cute, talented, skinny girl who got caught up in a world of comparisons and was made to feel not good enough. I want to shout out to the world: “Don’t ever do this to yourself. It’s not worth it.” The key to my recovery was meeting some really special friends who made me feel that I mattered because of who I was and not what I wore. They told me, “You don’t need this. You are better than that.” I began to change for myself, not because someone else told me that I had to change to be worthy of their love.

The pearl of wisdom from the story is: Stop doing it. Break the habit. Comparing yourself can become an addiction as strong as drugs or alcohol. You don’t have to look like or dress like a model to be good enough. You know what really matters. Don’t get caught up in the game and worry so much about being popular during your teen years, because most of life comes after. (Please see the Eating Disorder Hotlines and Web sites in the back of this book.) • THE FRUITS OF THE WIN-WIN SPIRIT

I’ve learned never to underestimate what can happen when someone thinks Win-Win. This was Andy’s experience: At first I could see no point to Win-Win. But I started applying it in my after-school jobs, and I was just blown away. I have used it now for two years and it’s honestly scary how powerful this habit is—I wish I had known about it much sooner in my life. It’s taught me to exercise my leadership ability and to approach my job with an attitude of “let’s make this job more fun. Let’s make it a win for both me and my employer.” I now sit down with my manager monthly and tell her all the little things I can see in the company that aren’t getting done that I am willing to do.

The last time we met she said to me, “I have always wondered how we could get all these little loose ends done. I am so impressed with how you look for opportunities and are so willing to perform.” And then she gave me a dollar an hour raise.

Believe me, this Win-Win stuff is contagious. If you’re bighearted, committed to helping others succeed, and willing to share recognition, you’ll be a magnet for friends. Think about it. Don’t you just love people who are interested in your success and want you to win? It makes you want to help them in return, doesn’t it?

The Win-Win spirit can be applied to just about any situation, from working out major conflicts with your parents to deciding who walks the dog, as Jon shared below.

My sister and I are always arguing about who has to walk the dogs and do the dishes. We both would choose the dogs over the dishes any day. But someone has to do one or the other. So we decided that I would wash the dishes, she would dry them, and then we’d walk the dogs together. I’m glad it worked out like that, because now we get what needs to be done finished but also add a little fun to it by doing it together.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to find a Win-Win solution. Or the other party may be so bent on Win-Lose that you don’t even want to approach him or her. That happens. In these situations, don’t get ugly yourself (Win-Lose) or get stepped on (Lose-Win). Instead, go for Win-Win or No Deal. In other words, if you can’t find a solution that works for both of you, decide not to play. No Deal. For example, if you and your friend can’t decide what to do one night, instead of doing an activity that one of you might resent, split up that night and get together another night. Or if you and your girlfriend or boyfriend can’t develop a Win-Win relationship, it might be best to go for No Deal and part ways. It sure beats going for Win-Lose, Lose-Win, or, worst of all, Lose-Lose.

A fifteen-year-old named Bryan, who was taught Win-Win by his father, shared this interesting story: Last year, my friend Steve and I wanted to make some money during summer break. So we started a window washing and lawn care business. We thought Green and Clean was kind of a cool name to use for our business.

Steve’s parents had a friend who needed his windows washed, and before too long the word spread and we got a few jobs.

We used a program on my dad’s computer to make a little sheet we call a Win-Win agreement. When we get to the house we go around and get the window measurements and write down an estimate. We make it totally clear that they are going to get clean windows for a set price. There is a line for them to sign on. If we don’t perform well, we know we won’t get hired back. After we are done, we walk them around and show them our work. We want them to know we’re accountable. It puts us on a better footing with the customer.

We have a little Green and Clean fund. Once we started making money, we split the money and then put some aside to buy window washing equipment. As long as our customers are happy, and they get clean windows, they are winning. We win, because at fifteen, it’s a way for us to make some extra money.