فصل 33

COMMUNICATING WITH PARENTS

Communication is hard enough by itself, but throw Mom or Dad into the mix and then you’ve got a tiger by the tail. I got along pretty well with my parents as a teenager, but there were periods when I was convinced they had aliens living inside their bodies. I felt they didn’t understand me or respect me as an individual, but just lumped me in with the rest of the kids. But no matter how distant your parents may seem at times, life will go so much better if you can communicate.

If you want to improve your relationship with Mom or Dad (and shock the heck out of ‘em in the process), try listening to them, just like you would a friend. Now, it may seem kind of weird to treat your parents as if they were normal people and all, but it’s worth trying. We’re always saying to our parents, “You don’t understand me. No one understands me.” But have you ever stopped to consider that perhaps you don’t understand them?

You see, they have pressures too. While you’re worrying about your friends and your upcoming history exam, they’re worrying about their bosses and how they’re going to pay for your braces. Like you, they have days when they get offended at work and go in the restroom to cry. They have days when they don’t know how they’re going to pay the bills. Your mom may seldom get a chance to go out on her own, let down, and enjoy herself. Your dad may get laughed at by the neighbors because of the car he drives. They may have unfulfilled dreams they’ve had to sacrifice so that you can reach yours. Hey, parents are people too. They laugh, they cry, they get their feelings hurt, and they don’t always have their act together, just like me and you.

If you take the time to understand and listen to your parents, two incredible things will happen. First, you’ll gain a greater respect for them. When I turned nineteen, I remember reading one of my dad’s books for the very first time. He was a successful author and everyone had always told me how great his books were, but I had never taken the time to even look at one until then. “Wow,” I thought after finishing that first book, “my dad is smart.” And for all those years I was convinced I was smarter.

Second, if you take time to understand and listen to your parents, you’ll get your way much more often. This isn’t a manipulative trick, it’s a principle. If they feel that you understand them, they’ll be much more willing to listen to you, they’ll be more flexible, and they’ll trust you more. One mother once told me, “If my teenage daughters simply took time to understand my hectic world and did little things around the house to help me, why I would give them so many privileges they wouldn’t know what to do with them.” So how can you better understand your parents? Start by asking them some questions. When is the last time you asked your mom or dad, “How was your day today?” or “Tell me what you like and don’t like about your job” or “Is there anything I could do to help around the house?” You can also begin to make small deposits into their RBA. To do that, ask yourself, “What do my parents consider a deposit?” Jump into their shoes and think about it from their point of view, not yours. A deposit to them might mean doing the dishes or garbage without being asked, or keeping a commitment to be home on time, or, if you’re living away from home, calling them every weekend.

Then Seek to Be Understood

I saw the results of a survey in which people were asked what their greatests fears were. “Death” came out as number two. You’ll never guess what the number-one fear was. It was “speaking in public.” People would rather die than speak in public. Isn’t that interesting?

It takes boldness to speak up in public, that’s for sure. But it also takes boldness to speak up in general. The second half of Habit 5, Then Seek to Be Understood, is as important as the first half but requires something different of us. Seeking first to understand requires consideration, but seeking to be understood requires courage.

Practicing only the first half of Habit 5, Seek First to Understand, is weak. It’s Lose-Win. It’s the doormat syndrome. Yet it’s an easy trap to fall into, especially with parents. “I’m not going to tell Mom how I feel. She won’t listen and she’d never understand.” So we harbor these feelings inside while our parents carry on never knowing how we truly feel. But this isn’t healthy. Remember, unexpressed feelings never die. They are buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways. You’ve got to share your feelings or they’ll eat your heart out.

Besides, if you have taken the time to listen, your chances of being listened to are very good. In the following story, notice how Kelli practiced both halves of the habit: I was sick and missed a day of school. My parents were concerned that I wasn’t getting enough sleep and that I was staying out too late. Instead of coming up with a bunch of excuses, I tried to understand their reasoning. And I agreed with them. But I also explained to them that I am trying to have a fun senior year, and this includes spending time with my friends. My parents were willing to look at the situation from my point of view, and we reached a compromise. I was to stay in one of the days that weekend and rest. I don’t think my parents would have been as lenient if I hadn’t tried to understand them first.

Giving feedback is an important part of seeking to be understood. If done in the right way it can be a deposit in the RBA. If someone’s fly is open, for instance, give feedback. They’ll be very grateful, believe me. If you have a close friend who has bad breath (to the point of developing a reputation for it), don’t you think he or she would appreciate some honest feedback, delivered tenderly? Have you ever returned home from a date only to discover that you had a big piece of meat between your teeth the whole evening? With terror you immediately recall every smile you made that night. Don’t you wish your date had told you?

If your RBA with someone is high, you can give feedback openly without hesitation. My younger brother Joshua, a senior in high school, shared this: One nice thing about having older brothers or sisters is the feedback they give you.

When I come home from a high school basketball or football game, Mom and Dad will meet me at the door and go over all the key plays I made. Mom will rave about the talent that I have, and Dad will say it was my leadership skills that directed the team to victory.

When my sister Jenny comes in the kitchen to join us, I’ll ask her how I did. She’ll tell me how ordinary I played, and I’d better get my act together if I want to keep my starting position, and she hopes I’ll play better the next game and not embarrass her.

Since Jenny and Josh are very close, they can share feedback candidly. Keep these two points in mind as you give feedback.

First, ask yourself the question “Will this feedback really help this person or am I doing it just to suit myself and fix them?” If your motive for the feedback isn’t with their best interest at heart, then it’s probably not the time or place to do it.

Second, send “I” messages instead of “you” messages. In other words, give feedback in the first person. Say, “I’m concerned that you have a temper problem” or “I feel that you’ve been acting selfish lately.” “You” messages are more threatening because they sound as if you’re labeling. “You are so self-centered.” “Yow have a terrible temper.” Well, that should pretty much wrap it up. I don’t have a lot more to say about this habit, except to end with the thought that we began with: You have two ears and one mouth—use them accordingly.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next up, find out how 1 plus 1 can sometimes equal 3.

I’ll see you there!

BABY STEPS

1 See how long you can keep eye contact with someone while they are talking to you.

2 Go to the mall, find a seat, and watch people communicate with each other. Observe what their body language is saying.

3 In your interactions today, try mirroring one person and mimicking another, just for fun. Compare the results.

4 Ask yourself, “Which of the five poor listening styles do I have the biggest problem with - Spacing Out, Pretend Listening, Selective Listening, Word Listening, or Self-Centered Listening (judging, advising, probing)? Now, try to go one day without doing it.

5 Sometime this week, ask your mom or dad, “How’s it going?” Open up your heart and practice genuine listening. You’ll be surprised by what you learn.

6 If you’re a talker, take a break and spend your day listening. Only talk when you have to.

7 The next time you find yourself wanting to bury your feelings deep inside you, don’t do it. Instead, express them in a responsible way.

8 Think of a situation where your constructive feedback would really help another person. Share it with them when the time is right.