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WIN-WIN—THE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET

Win-Win is a belief that everyone can win. It’s both nice and tough all at once. I won’t step on you, but I won’t be your doormat either. You care about other people and you want them to succeed. But you also care about yourself, and you want to succeed as well. Win-Win is abundant. It is the belief that there’s plenty of success to go around. It’s not either you or me. It’s both of us. It’s not a matter of who gets the biggest piece of pie. There’s more than enough food for everyone. It’s an all-you-can-eat buffet.

A friend of mine named Dawn Meeves shared how she discovered the power of thinking Win-Win: Image

As a high school sophomore, I played on the girls’ basketball team. I was pretty good for my age and tall enough to be starter on the varsity team although I was just a sophomore. One of my classmates named Pam, a dear friend and a sophomore as well, was also moved up to be a starter on the varsity squad.

I had a sweet little shot I could hit quite regularly from ten feet out. I began making four or five of those shots a game and began getting recognized for it. It soon became apparent that Pam didn’t like all the attention I was getting and decided, consciously or not, to keep the ball from me. It didn’t matter how open I was for the shot, Pam stopped passing the ball to me.

One night, after playing a terrible game in which Pam kept the ball from me most of the game, I was as mad as I had ever been. I spent many hours talking with my dad, going over everything, and expressing my anger toward my friend-turned-enemy, Pam. After a long discussion, my dad told me that the best thing he could think of would be to give Pam the ball every time I got it. Every time. I thought it was the most stupid suggestion he had ever given me. He simply told me it would work and left me at the kitchen table to think about it. But I didn’t. I knew it wouldn’t work and put it aside as silly fatherly advice.

The next game came quickly, and I was determined to beat Pam at her own game. I planned and plotted and came out with a mission to ruin Pam’s game. On my first possession of the ball, I heard my dad above the crowd. He had a booming voice, and though I shut out everything around me while playing basketball, I could always hear Dad’s deep voice. At the moment I caught the ball, he yelled out, “Give her the ball!!” I hesitated for one second and then did what I knew was right. Although I was open for a shot, I found Pam and passed her the ball. She was shocked for a moment, then turned and shot, sinking the ball for two points. As I ran down the court to play defense, I felt a feeling I had never felt before: true joy for the success of another human being. And, even more, I realized that it put us ahead in the game. It felt good to be winning. I continued to give her the ball every time I got it in the first half. Every time. In the second half, I did the same, only shooting if it was a designated play or if I was wide open for a shot.

We won that game, and in the games that followed, Pam began to pass me the ball as much as I passed it to her. Our teamwork was getting stronger and stronger, and so was our friendship. We won the majority of our games that year and became a legendary small town duo. The local newspaper even did an article on our ability to pass to one another and sense each other’s presence. Overall, I scored more points than ever before.

You see, Win-Win always creates more. An endless buffet. And as Dawn discovered, wanting another person to win fills you full of good feelings. By passing the ball, Dawn didn’t score fewer points but eventually scored more. In fact, they both scored more points and won more games than if they had selfishly kept the ball from each other.

You probably do more Win-Win thinking than you give yourself credit for. The following are all examples of the Win-Win attitude: • You recently got a promotion at the burger joint you work at. You share the praise and recognition with all of those who helped you get there.

• You were just elected to an important school office and make up your mind not to develop a “superiority complex.” You treat everyone the same, including the friendless and the unpopular.

• Your best friend just got accepted at the college you wanted to get into. You didn’t make it. Although you feel terrible about your own situation, you are genuinely happy for your friend.

• You want to go out for dinner. Your friend wants to see a movie. You jointly decide to rent a movie and pick up food to eat at home.

How to Think Win-Win

So how do you do it? How can you be happy for your friend when he just got accepted at college and you didn’t? How can you avoid feeling inferior to the girl next door who has all those gorgeous clothes? How can you find solutions to problems so that both of you can win?

Might I suggest two clues: Win the private victory first and avoid the tumor twins.

• WIN THE PRIVATE VICTORY FIRST

It all begins with you. If you are extremely insecure and haven’t paid the price to win the private victory, it will be difficult to think Win-Win. You’ll be threatened by other people. It’ll be hard to be happy for their successes. It will be difficult to share recognition or praise. Insecure people get jealous very easily. This conversation between Doug and his girlfriend is typical of an insecure person: “Amy, who was the guy you were talking to just now?” asks Doug. “He’s just a good friend I grew up with,” says Amy.

“I don’t want you hangin’ out with that guy,” rants Doug.

“Doug, he’s just a friend I’ve known for a long time. We went to elementary school together.” “I don’t care how long you’ve known him. You shouldn’t be so friendly to him.” “It’s no big deal. He’s having some problems and just needs a friend.” “Are you committed to me or not?”

“OK, Doug. If that’s what you want, I won’t talk to him anymore.”

Can you see how hard it would be for Doug to be big-hearted in this situation as long as he is insecure and emotionally dependent upon his girlfriend? Doug needs to start with himself. As he makes deposits into his PBA, takes responsibility for his life, and gets a plan in place, his confidence and security will increase and he’ll start enjoying other people instead of being threatened by them. Personal security is the foundation for thinking Win-Win.

• AVOID THE TUMOR TWINS

There are two habits that, like tumors, can slowly eat you away from the inside. They are twins and their names are competing and comparing. It’s virtually impossible to think Win-Win with them around.

Competing

Competition can be extremely healthy. It drives us to improve, to reach and stretch. Without it, we would never know how far we could push ourselves. In the business world, it makes our economy prosper. The glory of the Olympic Games is all about excellence and competition.

But there is another side to competition that isn’t so nice. In the movie Star Wars, Luke Sky walker learns about a positive energy shield called “the force,” which gives life to all things. Later, Luke confronts the evil Darth Vader and learns about the “dark side” of the force. As Darth puts it, “You don’t know the power of the dark side.” So it is with competition. There is a sunny side and a dark side, and both are powerful. The difference is this: Competition is healthy when you compete against yourself, or when it challenges you to reach and stretch and become your best. Competition becomes dark when you tie your self-worth into winning or when you use it as a way to place yourself above another.

While reading a book called The Inner Game of Tennis by Tim Galwey, I found some words that say it perfectly. Wrote Tim: When competition is used as a means of creating a self-image relative to others, the worst in a person comes out; then the ordinary fears and frustrations become greatly exaggerated. It is as if some believe that only by being the best, only by being a winner, will they be eligible for the love and respect they seek. Children who have been taught to measure themselves in this way often become adults driven by a compulsion to succeed which overshadows all else.

A famous college coach once said that the two worst traits an athlete can have are a fear of failure and an inordinate desire to win, or a win-at-any-cost attitude.

I’ll never forget an argument I had with my younger brother after his team beat mine in a game of sand volleyball.

“I can’t believe you guys beat us,” I said.

“What’s so unbelievable about that?” he replied. “You think you’re a better athlete than me, don’t you?” “I know I am. Look at the evidence. I went much further than you in sports.” “But you’re using your own narrow definition of what an athlete is. I frankly think that I’m a better athlete because I can jump higher and run faster.” “Bull! You’re not faster than me. And what does jumping and running have to do with it anyway? I can kick your butt in every sport.” “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah!”

After we calmed down, we both felt like jerks. We had been seduced by the dark side. And the dark side never leaves you with a good aftertaste.

Let’s use competition as a benchmark to measure ourselves against, but let’s stop competing over boyfriends, girlfriends, status, friends, popularity, positions, attention, and the like and start enjoying life.