فصل 9

Habit 1—Be Proactive

I Am the Force

Growing up in my home was at times a big pain. Why? Because my dad always made me take responsibility for everything in my life.

Whenever I said something like “Dad, my girlfriend makes me so mad,” without fail Dad would come back with: “Now come on, Sean, no one can make you mad unless you let them. It’s your choice. You choose to be mad.” Or if I said, “My new biology teacher stinks. I’m never going to learn a thing,” Dad would say, “Why don’t you go to your teacher and give him some suggestions? Change teachers. Get a tutor if you have to. If you don’t learn biology, Sean, it’s your own fault, not your teacher’s.” He never let me off the hook. He was always challenging me, making sure that I never blamed someone else for the way I acted. Luckily my mom let me blame other people and things for my problems or I might have turned out psycho.

I often screamed back, “You’re wrong, Dad! I didn’t choose to be mad. She MADE, MADE, MADE me mad. Just get off my back and leave me alone.” You see, Dad’s idea that you are responsible for your life was hard medicine for me to swallow as a teenager. But, with hind sight, I see the wisdom in what he was doing. He wanted me to learn that there are two types of people in this world—the proactive and the reactive—those who take responsibility for their lives and those who blame; those who make it happen and those who get happened to.

Habit 1, Be Proactive, is the key to unlocking all the other habits and that’s why it comes first. Habit 1 says “I am the force. I am the captain of my life. I can choose my attitude. I’m responsible for my own happiness or unhappiness. I am in the driver’s seat of my destiny, not just a passenger.” Being proactive is the first step toward achieving the private victory. Can you imagine doing algebra before learning addition and subtraction? Not gonna happen. The same goes for the 7 Habits. You can’t do habits 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 before doing Habit 1. That’s because until you feel you are in charge of your own life, nothing else is really possible, now, is it? Hmmmm … Proactive or Reactive… the Choice Is Yours

Each day you and I have about 100 chances to choose whether to be proactive or reactive. In any given day, the weather is bad, you can’t find a job, your sister steals your blouse, you lose an election at school, your friend talks behind your back, someone calls you names, your parents don’t let you take the car (for no reason), you get a parking ticket on campus, and you flunk a test. So what are you going to do about it? Are you in the habit of reacting to these kinds of everyday things, or are you proactive? The choice is yours. It really is. You don’t have to respond the way everyone else does or the way people think you should.

How many times have you been driving down the road when suddenly somebody cuts in front of you, making you slam on your brakes? What do you do? Do you fly off at the mouth? Give ‘em the bird? Let it ruin your day? Lose bladder control?

Or do you just let it go? Laugh about it. Move on.

The choice is yours.

Reactive people make choices based on impulse. They are like a can of soda pop. If life shakes them up a bit, the pressure builds and they suddenly explode.

“Hey, you stupid jerk! Get out of my lane!”

Proactive people make choices based on values. They think before they act. They recognize they can’t control everything that happens to them, but they can control what they do about it. Unlike reactive people who are full of carbonation, proactive people are like water. Shake them up all you want, take off the lid, and nothing. No fizzing, no bubbling, no pressure. They are calm, cool, and in control.

“I’m not going to let that guy get me upset and ruin my day.”

A great way to understand the proactive mind-set is to compare proactive and reactive responses to situations that happen all the time.

Scene One:

You overhear your best friend bad-mouthing you in front of a group. She doesn’t know you overheard the conversation. Just five minutes ago, this same friend was sweet-talking you to your face. You feel hurt and betrayed.

Reactive choices

• Tell her off. Then hit her.

• Go into a deep depression because you feel so bad about what she said.

• Decide that she’s a two-faced liar and give her the silent treatment for two months.

• Spread vicious rumors about her. After all, she did it to you.

Proactive choices

• Forgive her.

• Confront her and calmly share how you feel.

• Ignore it and give her a second chance. Realize that she has weaknesses just like you and that occasionally you talk behind her back without really meaning any harm.

Scene Two:

You’ve been working at your job in the store for over a year now and have been extremely committed and dependable. Three months ago, a new employee joined the crew. Recently, he was given the coveted Saturday afternoon shift, the shift you were hoping for.

Reactive choices

• Spend half your waking hours complaining to everyone and their dog about how unfair this decision was.

• Scrutinize the new employee and find his every weakness.

• Become convinced your supervisor has formed a conspiracy and is out to get you.

• Begin to slack off while working your shift.

Proactive choices

• Talk with your supervisor about why the new employee got the better shift.

• Continue to be a hard-working employee.

• Learn what you can do to improve your performance.

• If you determine you are in a dead-end job, begin looking for a new one.

• LISTEN TO YOUR LANGUAGE

You can usually hear the difference between proactive and reactive people by the type of language they use. Reactive language usually sounds like this: “That’s me. That’s just the way I am.” What they’re really saying is, I’m not responsible for the way I act. I can’t change. I was predetermined to be this way.

“If my boss wasn’t such a jerk, things would be different.” What they’re really saying is, My boss is the cause of all my problems, not me.

“Thanks a lot. You just ruined my day.” What they’re really saying is, I’m not in control of my own moods. You are.

“If only I attended a different school, had better friends, made more money, lived in a different apartment, had a boyfriend … then I’d be happy.” What they’re really saying is, I’m not in control of my own happiness, “things” are. I must have things to be happy.

Notice that reactive language takes power away from you and gives it to something or someone else. As my friend John Bytheway explains in his book What I Wish I’d Known in High School, when you’re reactive it’s like giving someone else the remote control to your life and saying, “Here, change my mood anytime you wish.” Proactive language, on the other hand, puts the remote control back into your own hands. You are then free to choose which channel you want to be on.

REACTIVE LANGUAGE

I’ll try

PROACTIVE LANGUAGE

I’ll do it

REACTIVE LANGUAGE

That’s just the way I am

PROACTIVE LANGUAGE

I can do better than that

REACTIVE LANGUAGE

There’s nothing I can do

PROACTIVE LANGUAGE

Let’s look at all our options

REACTIVE LANGUAGE

I have to

PROACTIVE LANGUAGE

I choose to

REACTIVE LANGUAGE

I can’t

PROACTIVE LANGUAGE

There’s gotta be a way

REACTIVE LANGUAGE

You ruined my day

PROACTIVE LANGUAGE

I’m not going to let your bad mood rub off on me