فصل 26

SAY YOU’RE SORRY

Saying you’re sorry when you yell, overreact, or make a stupid mistake can quickly restore an overdrawn bank account. But it takes guts to go to a friend and say, “I was wrong,” “I apologize,” or “I’m sorry.” It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do. Seventeen-year-old Lena had this to say: I know from experience how much an apology means to my parents. It’s like they forgive me for almost anything and are ready to start over if I admit my mistakes and apologize. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do.

I recall one night recently when my mother confronted me with something she didn’t approve of that I had done. I didn’t fess up to any of it; on the contrary I ended up acting like they were total jerks and slamming the door to my room right in front of my mother’s nose.

As soon as I got inside my room I felt sick about it. I realized I probably had known all along I was wrong and that I had been extremely rude. Should I just stay in my room and go to bed and hope it would blow over, or should I go upstairs and apologize? I waited about two minutes and then took the high road and went straight to my mom, gave her a big hug, and told her how sorry I was for acting that way. It was the best thing I ever could have done. Immediately it was as though it had never happened. I felt light and happy and ready to concentrate on something else.

Don’t let your pride or a lack of courage stand in the way of saying you’re sorry to people you may have offended, because it’s never as scary as it seems, and it will make you feel so good afterward. In addition, apologies disarm people. When people get offended their tendency is to take up a sword, so to speak, to protect themselves in the future. But when you apologize, you take away their desire to fight you and they will drop their swords. Clank!

Seeing that you and I will continue to make mistakes the rest of our lives, saying you’re sorry ain’t too bad a habit to get hooked on.

• SET CLEAR EXPECTATIONS

“I think that we should be dating other people,” your partner might tell you.

“But I thought we were going together,” you might reply. “Well, not really” “What about everything you told me about how you feel about me?”

“I didn’t really mean it that way.”

How often have you seen someone get hurt because another person led them on? Our tendency is to want to flatter and please others, and, as a result, we often set unclear or unrealistic expectations.

To please your dad at the moment, you might say, “Sure, Dad, I can help you fix up the car this weekend.” But, realistically, you’re booked the entire weekend and don’t have a second. In the end, you disappoint your dad. You would have been better off being realistic up front.

To develop trust we need to avoid sending vague messages or implying something that is not true or not likely to happen.

Jacqueline says, “I had a great time, Jeff. Let’s be sure to do something again next week!” What she really means is: “I had a good time. Let’s just be friends.” But since she’s created false expectations, Jeff will continue to ask her out and Jacqueline will continue to turn him down saying, “Maybe next week.” Everyone would have been better off if Jacqueline had been honest from the get-go.

Whenever you get into a new job, relationship, or setting, you’re better off taking the time to lay all expectations out on the table so that everyone is on the same page. So many withdrawals are made because one party assumes one thing and another party assumes something else.

Your boss might say, “I need you to work this Tuesday evening.”

You might reply, “I’m sorry, but I have to watch my baby brother on Tuesday nights for my mom.” “You should have told me that when I hired you. Now what am I going to do?” Build trust through telling it like it is and laying out clear expectations right up front.

A Personal Challenge

I would like to leave you with a personal challenge. Pick one important relationship in your life that is damaged. It may be with a parent or a sibling or a friend. Now commit yourself to rebuilding that relationship one deposit at a time. The other person may be suspicious at first and wonder what you’re up to. “What’s up with you? Do you want something from me?” But be patient and stick with it. Remember, it may take months to build up what took months to tear down. But little by little, deposit by deposit, they’ll begin to see that you are genuine and that you really want to be friends. I never said it would be easy, but I promise you it will be worth it.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

If you love a buffet (and who doesn’t?), you’re just going

to love the chapter that follows.

BABY STEPS

Keep Promises

1 The next time you go out for the night, tell your mom or dad what time you will be home and keep to it.

2 All day today, before giving out any commitments, pause and think about whether or not you can honor them. Don’t say, “I’ll call tonight,” or “Let’s have lunch today,” unless you can follow through.

Do Small Acts of Kindness

3 Buy a burger for a homeless person this week.

4 Write a thank-you note to someone you’ve been wanting to thank for a long time.

Be Loyal

5 Pinpoint when and where it is most difficult for you to refrain from gossip. Is it with a certain friend, in the locker room, during lunch? Come up with a plan of action to avoid it.

6 Try to go one whole day saying only positive things about others.

Listen

7 Don’t talk so much today. Spend the day listening.

8 Think of a family member you’ve never really taken the time to listen to, like a little sister, big brother, or grandpa. Take the time.

Say You’re Sorry

9 Before you go to bed tonight, write a simple note of apology to someone you may have offended.

Set Clear Expectations

10 Think of a situation where you and the other party have different expectations. Put together a plan for how to get on the same page.