فصل 11

• RISING ABOVE ABUSE

One of the hardest setbacks of all is coping with abuse. I’ll never forget the morning I spent with a group of teens who had been sexually abused as children, were victims of date rape or were otherwise abused emotionally or physically.

Heather told me this story:

I was sexually abused at fourteen. It happened when I was at a fair. A boy from school came up to me and said, “I really need to talk to you, come with me for a few minutes.” I never suspected anything because this kid was my friend and had always been really nice to me. He took me on a long walk and we ended up down at the dugouts at the high school. That was where he forced and raped me.

He kept telling me, “If you tell anyone, no one will believe you. You wanted this to happen to you anyway.” He also told me that my parents would be so ashamed of me. I kept quiet about it for two years.

Finally, I was attending a help session where people who were abused told their stories and this one girl got up and told a story similar to mine. When she said the name of the boy that abused her, I started to cry because it was the same one who had raped me. It turned out that there were six of us who were victimized by him.

Fortunately, Heather is now on the road to recovery and has found tremendous strength in being part of a teen group that is trying to help other abuse victims. By coming forward, she has also put a stop to more people being hurt by the same boy.

Bridgett’s story, unfortunately, is very common:

At the age of five I was sexually abused by a family member. Too afraid to tell anyone I tried to bury my hurt and anger. Now that I have come to terms with what happened, I look back on my life and can see how it has affected everything. In trying to hide something terrible I ended up hiding myself. It wasn’t until thirteen years later that I finally confronted my childhood nightmare.

Many people have been through the same experience as I have or something that is related. Most hide it. Why? Some are afraid for their lives. Others want to protect themselves or someone else. But whatever the reason, hiding it isn’t the answer. It only leaves a cut so deep in the soul that it seems that there’s no way of healing it. Confronting it is the only way to sew up that bleeding gash. Find someone to talk to, someone you feel comfortable with, someone you can trust. It is a long and difficult process, but once you come to terms with it, it’s only then that you can start to live.

If you have been abused, it’s not your fault. And the truth has to be told. Abuse thrives in secrecy. By telling another person, you immediately divide your problem in half. Talk with a loved one or friend you can trust, take part in a help session, or visit a professional therapist. If the first person you share your troubles with isn’t receptive, don’t give up–keep sharing until you find someone who is. Sharing your secret with another is an important step in the healing and forgiving process. Be proactive. Take the initiative to do it. You don’t need to live with this burden for one day longer. (Please refer to the abuse hotlines listed at the back of the book for help or information.) • BECOMING A CHANGE AGENT

I once asked a group of teenagers, Who are your role models? One girl mentioned her mother. Another kid talked about his brother. And so on. One guy was noticeably silent. I asked him whom he admired. He said quietly, “I don’t have a role model.” All he wanted to do was make sure he didn’t turn out like the people who should have been his role models. Unfortunately, this is the case with many teens. They come from messed-up families and may not have anyone to pattern their lives after.

The scary thing is that bad habits such as abuse, alcoholism, and welfare dependency are often passed down from parents to kids, and, as a result, dysfunctional families keep repeating themselves. For example, if you have been abused as a child, the statistics show that you are likely to become an abuser as well. Sometimes these problems go back for generations. You may come from a long line of alcohol or drug abusers. You may come from a long line of dependency on welfare. Perhaps no one in your family has ever graduated from college or even high school.

The good news is that you can stop the cycle. Because you are proactive, you can stop these bad habits from being passed on. You can become a “change agent” and pass on good habits to future generations, starting with your own kids.

A tenacious young girl named Hilda shared with me how she has become a change agent in her family. Education was never valued in her home, and Hilda could see the consequences of it. Says Hilda: “My mom worked in a factory sewing, for very little money, and my father worked for slightly over minimum wage. I would hear them arguing over the money and how they were going to pay the rent. The highest grade my parents went to in school was the sixth grade.” As a young girl, Hilda vividly remembers her dad being unable to help her with her homework because he couldn’t read English. This was hard on her.

When Hilda was in junior high, her family moved from California back to Mexico. Hilda soon realized that there were limited educational options for her there, so she asked if she could move back to the States to live with her aunt. For the next several years Hilda made great sacrifices to stay in school.

“It was hard to be crowded into a room with my cousin,” she says, “and have to share a bed and work to pay them rent as well as go to school, but it was worth it.

“Even though I had a kid and got married in high school, I kept going to school and working toward finishing my education. I wanted to prove to my dad that no matter what, he was wrong when he said no one in our family could become a professional.” Hilda will soon be graduating with a university degree in finance. She wants her educational values to be passed on to her kids: “Today, every time I can, when I am not in school, I sit on the sofa and I read to my son. I am teaching him how to speak English and Spanish. I’m trying to save money for his education. One day he will need help with his homework, and I will be there to help him read it.” I interviewed another sixteen-year-old kid named Shane from the Midwest who is also becoming a change agent in his family. Shane lives with his parents and two siblings in a poor section of town called the projects. Although his parents are still together, they’re constantly fighting and accusing each other of having affairs. His dad drives a truck and is never home. His mom smokes weed with his twelve-year-old sister. His older brother failed two years of high school and finally dropped out. At one point Shane had lost hope.

Just when he’d thought he had hit rock bottom, he got involved in a character development class at school (that taught the 7 Habits), and he began to see that there were things he could do to seize control of his life and create a future for himself.

Fortunately, Shane’s grandfather owned the upstairs apartment where Shane’s family lived, so Shane paid him one hundred dollars a month rent, and he moved to that apartment. He now has his own sanctuary and is able to block out everything he doesn’t want to be part of on the floor below. Says Shane: “Things have gotten better now for me. I treat myself better and I show myself respect. My family doesn’t have very much respect for themselves. Although nobody in my family has ever gone to college, I have been accepted to three different universities. Everything I do now is for my future. My future is going to be different. I know I won’t sit down with my twelve-year-old daughter and smoke weed.” You have the power within you to rise above whatever may have been passed down to you. You may not have the option of moving upstairs to escape from it all as Shane did, but you can figuratively move upstairs in your mind. No matter how bad your predicament is, you can become a change agent and create a new life for yourself and whatever may follow.

• GROWING YOUR PROACTIVE MUSCLES

The following poem is a great summary of what it means to take responsibility for one’s life and how a person can gradually move from a reactive to a proactive frame of mind.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN

FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

From There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost… I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in. It’s a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

You, too, can take responsibility for your life and stay away from potholes by flexing your proactive muscles. It’s a “breakthrough” habit that will save your bacon more often than you could ever imagine!