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Habit 4-Think Win-Win

Life Is an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

I attended a tough business school that utilized the infamous “forced curve” grading policy. Every class consisted of ninety students and in each class, 10 percent, or nine people, would receive what was called a category III. A category III was a nice way of saying “You flunked!” In other words, no matter how well or poorly the class performed as a whole, nine people would flunk the class. And if you flunked too many classes, you were kicked out of school. The pressure was awful!

The problem was, everyone in the class was smart. (I must have been an admissions error.) So the competition became very intense, which influenced me (notice I Pride gets no pleasure didn’t say made me) and my classmates to act in funny ways.

Instead of aiming for good grades, as I did in college and high school, I found myself aiming not to be one of the nine people that would flunk. Instead of playing to win, I was playing not to lose. It reminds me of the story I once heard about two friends being chased by a bear, when one turned to the other and said, “I just realized that I don’t need to outrun the bear; I only need to outrun you.” While sitting in class one day, I couldn’t help but look around the room and try to count off nine people who were dumber than me. When someone made a stupid comment, I caught myself thinking, “Oh goody, he’s guaranteed to flunk. Only eight more to go.” Sometimes I found myself not wanting to share my best ideas with others during study groups because I was afraid they would steal my ideas and get credit for them instead of me. All these feelings were eating me up inside and making me feel real small, as if my heart were the size of a grape. The problem was, I was thinking Win-Lose. And Win-Lose thinking will always fill your heart with negative feelings. Luckily, there is a more excellent way. It’s called Think Win-Win and it’s Habit &4.

Think Win-Win is an attitude toward life, a mental frame of mind that says I can win, and so can you. It’s not me or you, it’s both of us. Think Win-Win is the foundation for getting along well with other people. It begins with the belief that we are all equal, that no one is inferior or superior to anyone else, and no one really needs to be.

Now, you might say, “Get real, Sean. That’s not how it is. It’s a cutthroat, competitive world out there. Everyone can’t always win.” I disagree. That’s not how life really is. Life really isn’t about competition, or getting ahead of others, or scoring in the 95th percentile. It may be that way in business, sports, and school, but those are merely institutions that we’ve created. It’s certainly not that way in relationships. And relationships, as we learned just a chapter ago, are the stuff life is made of. Think how silly it is to say, “Whose winning in your relationship, you or your friend?

So let’s explore this strange idea called Think Win-Win. From my experience, the best way to do it is to see what Win-Win is not. Win-Win is not Win-Lose, Lose-Win, or Lose-Lose. These are all common but poor attitudes toward life. Climb aboard, strap yourself in, and let’s take a look at each one.

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• WIN-LOSE—THE TOTEM POLE

“Mom, there’s a big game tonight and I need to take the car.”

“I’m sorry, Marie, but I need to get groceries tonight. Your friends will have to pick you up.” “But, Mom. My friends always have to pick me up. It’s embarrassing.”

“Listen, you’ve been complaining about not having any food in the house for a week. This is the only time I have to get groceries. I’m sorry.” “You’re not sorry. If you were sorry you’d let me take the car. You are so unfair. You could care less about me.” “All right. All right. Go ahead. Take the car. But don’t come complaining to me when there’s nothing to eat tomorrow.” Marie won and Mom lost. This is called Win-Lose. But has Marie really won? Maybe she has this time, but how does Mom feel? And what’s she going to do the next time she has a chance to get even with Marie? That’s why in the long run it never pays to think Win-Lose.

Win-Lose is an attitude toward life that says the pie of success is only so big, and if you get a big piece there is less for me. So I’m going to make sure I get my slice first or that I get a bigger piece than you. Win-Lose is competitive. I call it the totem pole syndrome. “I don’t care how good I am as long as I’m a notch higher than you on the totem pole.” Relationships, friendships, and loyalty are all secondary to winning the game, being the best, and having it your way.

Win-Lose is full of pride. In the words of C. S. Lewis, “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man … It is the comparison that makes you proud, the pleasure of being above the rest.” Don’t feel too bad if you think Win-Lose at times, because we have been trained to do so from an early age, especially those of us who have been raised in the United States. Asian countries tend to be much more cooperative in their attitudes.

To illustrate my point, let’s follow Rodney, an ordinary boy, as he grows up. Rodney’s first experience with competition begins in the third grade when he runs in the annual field day events and quickly discovers that ribbons are given only to first, second, and third place finishers. Rodney doesn’t win any races but is excited to at least receive a ribbon for participation, until his best friend tells him that “those ribbons don’t really count ‘cause everyone gets one.” When Rodney enters middle school, his parents can’t afford the latest-style jeans and shoes, so Rodney has to wear older, less trendy styles. He can’t help but notice what his wealthier friends are wearing and feels as though he isn’t quite measuring up.

In high school, Rodney begins playing the violin and joins the orchestra. To his dismay, he learns that only one person can be first fiddle. Rodney is disappointed when he’s assigned second fiddle but feels very good about the fact that he’s not third.

At home, Rodney has been his mom’s favorite child for several years. But now his younger brother, who happened to win a lot of ribbons at his field day, is taking over as Mom’s golden child. Rodney begins studying extra hard at school for he figures that if he can get better grades than his brother, he might become Mom’s chosen one again.

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After four years of high school, Rodney is ready for college. So he takes the SAT and scores in the 50th percentile, which means that he is smarter than half his peers but not as smart as the other half. Unfortunately, his score is not good enough to get into the college he wanted.

The college Rodney attends uses forced-curve grading. In his first chemistry class of thirty students, Rodney learns that there are only five A grades and five B grades available. The rest get C’s and D’s. Rodney works hard to avoid a C or D and luckily earns the last B grade available.

And the story continues …

After being raised in this kind of world, is it any wonder then that Rodney and the rest of us grow up seeing life as a competition and winning as everything? Is it any wonder that we often find ourselves looking around to see how we stack up on the totem pole? Fortunately, you and I are not victims. We have the strength to be proactive and rise above all of this Win-Lose conditioning.

A Win-Lose attitude wears many faces. The following are some of them:

• Using other people, emotionally or physically, for your own selfish purposes.

• Trying to get ahead at the expense of another.

• Spreading rumors about someone else (as if putting someone else down builds you up).

• Always insisting on getting your way without concerning yourself with the feelings of others.

• Becoming jealous and envious when something good happens to someone close to you.

In the end Win-Lose will usually backfire. You may end up on the top of the totem pole. But you’ll be there alone and without friends. “The trouble with the rat race,” said actress Lily Tomlin, “is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” • LOSE-WIN—THE DOORMAT

One teen wrote:

“I, for one, am a big peacemaker. I would much rather take the blame for just about anything than get into an argument. I constantly find myself saying that I am dumb …” Do you find yourself identifying with this statement? If so, you have fallen into the trap of Lose-Win. Lose-Win looks prettier on the surface, but it’s just as dangerous as Win-Lose. It’s the doormat syndrome. Lose-Win says, “Have your way with me. Wipe your feet on me. Everyone else does.” Lose-Win is weak. It’s easy to get stepped on. It’s easy to be the nice guy. It’s easy to give in, all in the name of being a peace-maker. It’s easy to let your parents have their way with you rather than try to share your feelings with them.

With a Lose-Win attitude you’ll find yourself setting low expectations and compromising your standards again and again. Giving in to peer pressure is Lose-Win. Perhaps you don’t want to ditch school, but the group wants you to. So you give in. What happened? Well, you lost and they won. That’s called Lose-Win.

A girl named Jenny once told me about her wanderings in the world of Lose-Win during her eighth-grade year before she finally broke free: Image

My problems with my mom all started one day when she said to me sarcastically, “Wow, you’re sure sassy today.” I took it so literally that then and there I decided to close off from her and to never talk back to her. I began faking the respect and authority she wanted. So every time she would say something, even if I disagreed with her, I would just say, “Okay, whatever you want, Mom.” Half the time she didn’t even know that things were bothering me because I wouldn’t tell her.

When my mom would set rules about friends and curfews I would just be like, “Whatever you say.” It was easier to just do whatever she asked because I never felt that my opinions or suggestions would be taken seriously.

But it really got old quickly. And my resentment began to build. One night I had just finished talking to my mom about a school assignment to which she said, “Oh, that’s nice,” and then went back to mop-ping the floor.

“Don’t you even care?” I thought. But I didn’t say anything and stormed off. She had no idea I was even upset. She would have been willing to talk to me had I told her how important it was to me. But it seemed that I was eager to be a victim and to take whatever she dished out.

Eventually, I just blew up. “Mom, this has got to change. I can’t handle you anymore. You tell me everything you want me to do and I just do it because it’s easier than fighting. Well, I’m sick of it.” I spilled my guts and let her know about all the feelings I had been harboring inside. This all came as a surprise to her.

After my blowup, it was really rocky for a while. We felt like we were starting all over in our relationship. But it’s getting better all the time. We discuss things now, and I always share my feelings with her.

If you adopt Lose-Win as your basic attitude toward life, then people will wipe their dirty feet on you. And that’s a real bummer. You’ll also be hiding your true feelings deep inside. And that’s not healthy.

There is a time to lose, of course. Lose-Win is just fine if the issue isn’t that important to you, like if you and your sister can’t agree on who gets which side of the closet or if your mom doesn’t like the way you hold your fork. Let others win the little issues, and it will be a deposit into their RBA. Just be sure you take a stand on the important things.

If you’re trapped in an abusive relationship, you’re deep into Lose-Win. Abuse is a never-ending cycle of hurt and reconciliation, hurt and reconciliation. It never gets better. There’s no win in it for you whatsoever, and you need to get out. Don’t think that somehow the abuse is your fault or that somehow you deserve to be abused. That’s how a doormat thinks. No one deserves to be abused, ever. (Please see the Abuse Hotlines in the back of this book.) • LOSE-LOSE—THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL

Lose-Lose says, “If I’m going down, then you’re going down with me, sucker.” After all, misery enjoys company. War is a great example of Lose-Lose. Think about it. Whoever kills the most people wins the war. That doesn’t sound like anyone ends up winning at all. Revenge is also Lose-Lose. By getting revenge, you may think you’re winning, but you’re really only hurting yourself.

Lose-Lose is usually what happens when two Win-Lose people get together. If you want to win at all costs, and the other person wants to win at all costs, you’re both going to end up losing.

Lose-Lose can also occur when someone becomes obsessed with another person in a negative way. This is especially likely to happen with those closest to us.

“I don’t care what happens to me as long as my brother fails.” “If I can’t have Jeff, I’m sure as heck not going to let my friend Sarah have him.” If you’re not careful, boyfriend-girlfriend relationships can sour into Lose-Lose. You’ve seen it. Two good people begin dating and things go well at first. It’s Win-Win. But gradually they become emotionally glued and codependent. They begin to get possessive and jealous. They constantly need to be together, to touch, to feel secure, as if they own the other person. Eventually, this dependency brings out the worst in both of them. They begin to fight, argue, and “get back at” each other, resulting in a downward spiral of Lose-Lose.