فصل 7

• INSIDE OUT

We crawl before we walk. We learn arithmetic before algebra. We must fix ourselves before we can fix others. If you want to make a change in your life, the place to begin is with yourself, not with your parents, or your boyfriend, or your professor. All change begins with you. It’s inside out. Not outside in.

I am reminded of the writings of an Anglican bishop:

When I was young and free and my

imagination had no limits, I dreamed of

changing the world;

As I grew older and wiser I realized the

world would not change.

And I decided to shorten my sights

somewhat and change only my country.

But it too seemed immovable.

As I entered my twilight years, in one last

desperate attempt, I sought to change

only my family, those closest to me, but

alas they would have none of it.

And now here I lie on my death bed and

realize (perhaps for the first time) that if

only I’d changed myself first, then by

example I may have influenced my

family and with their encouragement

and support I may have bettered

my country, and who knows I may have

changed the world.

This is what this book is all about. Changing from the inside out, starting with the man or woman in the mirror. This chapter (“The Personal Bank Account”) and the ones that follow on Habits 1, 2, and 3 deal with you and your character, or the private victory. The next four chapters, “The Relationship Bank Account,” and Habits 4, 5, and 6 deal with relationships, or the public victory.

Before diving into Habit 1, let’s take a look at how you can immediately begin to build your self-confidence and achieve a private victory.

The Personal Bank Account

How you feel about yourself is like a bank account. Let’s call it your personal bank account (PBA). Just like a checking or savings account at a bank, you can make deposits into and take withdrawals from your PBA by the things you think, say, and do. For example, when I stick to a commitment I’ve made to myself, I feel in control. It’s a deposit. Cha-ching. On the other hand, when I break a promise to myself, I feel disappointed and make a withdrawal.

So let me ask you. How is your PBA? How much trust and confidence do you have in yourself? Are you loaded or bankrupt? The symptoms listed below might help you evaluate where you stand.

Possible Symptoms of a Poor PBA

• You cave in to peer pressure easily.

• You wrestle with feelings of depression and inferiority.

• You’re overly concerned about what others think of you.

• You act arrogant to help hide your insecurities.

• You self-destruct by getting heavily into drugs, pornography, vandalism, or gangs.

• You get jealous easily, especially when someone close to you succeeds.

Possible Symptoms of a Healthy PBA

• You stand up for yourself and resist peer pressure.

• You’re not overly concerned about being popular.

• You see life as a generally positive experience.

• You trust yourself.

• You are goal driven.

• You are happy for the successes of others.

If your personal bank account is low, don’t get discouraged about it. Just start today by making $1, $5, $10, or $25 deposits. Eventually you’ll get your confidence back. Small deposits over a long period of time is the way to a healthy and rich PBA.

With the help of various teen groups, I’ve compiled a list of six key deposits that can help you build your PBA. Of course, with every deposit, there is an equal and opposite withdrawal.

DEPOSITS

Keep promises to yourself

WITHDRAWALS

Break personal promises

DEPOSITS

Do small acts of kindness

WITHDRAWALS

Keep to yourself

DEPOSITS

Be gentle with yourself

WITHDRAWALS

Beat yourself up

DEPOSITS

Be honest

WITHDRAWALS

Be dishonest

DEPOSITS

Renew yourself

WITHDRAWALS

Wear yourself out

DEPOSITS

Tap into your talents

WITHDRAWALS

Neglect your talents

• KEEP PROMISES TO YOURSELF

Have you ever had friends or roommates who seldom come through? They say they’ll call you and they don’t. They promise to pick you up for the game and they forget. After a while, you don’t trust them. Their commitments mean nothing. The same thing occurs when you continually make and break self-promises, such as “I’m going to get up at six tomorrow morning” or “I’m going to get my homework done right when I get home.” After a while, you don’t trust yourself.

We should treat the commitments we make to ourselves as seriously as those we make to the most important people in our lives. If you’re feeling out of control in life, focus on the single thing you can control—yourself. Make a promise to yourself and keep it. Start with real small $10 commitments that you know you can complete, like committing to eat healthier today. After you’ve built up some self-trust, you can then go for the more difficult $100 deposits, such as deciding to break up with an abusive boyfriend or not going after your sister for wearing your new clothes.

• DO SMALL ACTS OF KINDNESS

I remember reading a statement by a psychiatrist who said that if you ever feel depressed, the best thing to do is to do something for someone else. Why? Because it gets you focused outward, not inward. It’s hard to be depressed while serving someone else. Ironically, a by-product of helping others is feeling wonderful yourself.

I remember sitting in an airport one day, waiting for my flight. I was excited because I had been upgraded to a first-class ticket. And in first class, the seats are bigger, the food is edible, and the flight attendants are actually nice. In fact, I had the best seat on the entire plane. Seat 1A. Before boarding, I noticed a young lady who had several carry-on bags and was holding a crying baby. Having just finished reading a book on doing random acts of kindness, I heard my conscience speak to me, “You scumbag. Let her have your ticket.” I fought these promptings for a while but eventually caved in: “Excuse me, but you look like you could use this first-class ticket more than me. I know how hard it can be flying with kids. Why don’t you let me trade you tickets.” “Are you sure?”

“Oh yeah. I really don’t mind. I’m just going to be working the whole time, anyway.” “Well, thank you. That’s very kind of you,” she said, as we swapped tickets.

As we boarded the plane, I was surprised at how good it made me feel to watch her sit down in seat 1A. In fact, under the circumstances, seat 24B or wherever the heck I was sitting didn’t seem that bad at all. At one point during the flight I was so curious to see how she was doing that I could hardly stand it. So I got up out of my seat, walked to the first-class section, and peeked in through the curtain that separates first class from coach. There she was with her baby, both asleep in big and comfortable seat 1A. And I felt like a million bucks. Cha-ching. I’ve got to keep doing this kind of thing.

This sweet story shared by a teen named Tawni is another example of the joy of service: There is a girl in our neighborhood who lives in a duplex with her parents, and they don’t have a lot of money. For the past three years, when I grew out of my clothes, me and my mom took them over to her. I’d say something like “I thought you might like these,” or “I’d like to see you wearing this.” When she wore something I gave her, I’d think it was really cool. She would say, “Thank you so much for the new shirt.” I’d reply, “That color looks really good on you!” I tried to be sensitive so that I didn’t make her feel bad, or give her the impression that I thought she was poor. It makes me feel good, knowing that I’m helping her have a better life.

Go out of your way to say hello to the most lonely person you know. Write a thank-you note to someone who has made a difference in your life, like a friend, teacher, or coach. The next time you’re at a toll booth, pay for the car behind you. Giving gives life not only to others but also to yourself. I love these lines from The Man Nobody Knows by Bruce Barton, which illustrate this point so well: There are two seas in Palestine. One is fresh, and fish are in it. Splashes of green adorn its banks. Trees spread their branches over it and stretch out their thirsty roots to sip of its healing waters.

… The River Jordan makes this sea with sparkling water from the hills. So it laughs in the sunshine. And men build their houses near to it, and birds their nests; and every kind of life is happier because it is there.

The River Jordan flows on south into another sea.

Here is no splash of fish, no fluttering leaf, no song of birds, no children’s laughter. Travelers choose another route, unless on urgent business. The air hangs heavy above its water, and neither man nor beast nor fowl will drink.

What makes this mighty difference in these neighbor seas? Not the River Jordan. It empties the same good water into both. Not the soil in which they lie; not in the country round about.

This is the difference. The Sea of Galilee receives but does not keep the Jordan. For every drop that flows into it another drop flows out. The giving and receiving go on in equal measure.

The other sea is shrewder, hoarding its income jealously. It will not be tempted into any generous impulse. Every drop it gets, it keeps.

The Sea of Galilee gives and lives. This other sea gives nothing. It is named the Dead.

There are two kinds of people in this world. There are two seas in Palestine.

• BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF

Being gentle means many things. It means not expecting yourself to be perfect by tomorrow morning. If you’re a late bloomer, and many of us are, be patient and give yourself time to grow.

It means learning to laugh at the stupid things you do. I have a friend, Chuck, who is extraordinary when it comes to laughing at himself and never taking life too seriously. I’ve always been amazed at how this hopeful attitude of his attracts friends by the score.

Being gentle also means forgiving yourself when you mess up. And who hasn’t done that? We should learn from our mistakes, but we shouldn’t beat the tar out of ourselves over them. The past is just that, past. Learn what went wrong and why. Make amends if you need to. Then drop it and move on. Throw that voodoo doll out with the trash.

“One of the keys to happiness,” says Rita Mae Brown, “is a bad memory.” A ship at sea for many years picks up thousands of barnacles that attach themselves to the bottom of the ship and eventually weigh it down, becoming a threat to its safety. Such a ship ultimately needs its barnacles removed, and the least expensive and easiest way is for the ship to harbor in a freshwater port, free of salt water. Soon the barnacles become loose on their own and fall off. The ship is then able to return to sea, relieved of its burden.

Are you carrying around barnacles in the form of mistakes, regrets, and pain from the past? Perhaps you need to allow yourself to soak in fresh water for a while. Letting go of a burden and giving yourself a second chance may just be the deposit you need right now.

Truly “learning to love yourself,” as Whitney Houston sings, “is the greatest love of all.” • BE HONEST

I looked up the word honest in my synonym finder the other day and these are a few of the synonyms I found: upstanding, incorruptible, moral, principled, truth-loving, steadfast, true, real, right, good, straight-shooting, genuine. Not a bad set of words to be associated with, don’t you think?

Honesty comes in many forms. First there’s self-honesty. Is what people see the genuine article or do you appear through smoke and mirrors? I find that if I’m ever fake and try to be some-thing I’m not, I feel unsure of myself and make a PBA withdrawal. I love how singer Judy Garland put it, “Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.” Then there’s honesty in our actions. Are you honest at school, with your parents, and with your boss? If you’ve been dishonest in the past, and I think we all have, try being honest, and notice how whole it makes you feel. Remember, you can’t do wrong and feel right. This story by Jeff is a good example of that: In my sophomore year, there were three kids in my geometry class who didn’t do well in math. I was really good at it. I would charge them three dollars for each test that I helped them pass. The tests were multiple choice, so I’d write on a little tiny piece of paper all the right answers, and hand them off.

At first I felt like I was making money, kind of a nice job. I wasn’t thinking about how it could hurt all of us. After a while I realized I shouldn’t do that anymore, because I wasn’t really helping them. They weren’t learning anything, and it would only get harder down the road. Cheating certainly wasn’t helping me.

It takes courage to be honest when people all around you are getting away with cheating on tests, lying to their parents, and stealing at work. But, remember, every act of honesty is a deposit into your PBA and will build strength. As the saying goes, “My strength is as the strength of ten because my heart is pure.” Honesty is always the best policy, even when it’s not the trend.

• RENEW YOURSELF

You’ve gotta take time for yourself, to renew and to relax. If you don’t, you’ll lose your zest for life.

You might be familiar with the movie The Secret Garden, based on the book of the same title. It’s a story about a young girl named Mary who goes to live with her wealthy uncle after her parents are killed in an accident. Her uncle has become cold and withdrawn since the death of his wife several years earlier. In an effort to escape his past, he now spends most of his time traveling abroad. He has a son who is miserable, sickly, and confined to a wheelchair. The boy lives in a dark room in the vast mansion.

After living in these depressing conditions for some time, Mary discovers a beautiful, overgrown garden nearby the mansion that has been locked up for years. Upon finding a secret entrance, she begins to visit the garden daily to escape her surroundings. It becomes her place of refuge, her secret garden.

It’s not long before she begins to bring her crippled cousin to the garden. The beauty of the garden seems to cast a spell on him, for he learns to walk again and regains his happiness. One day, Mary’s withdrawn uncle, upon returning from a trip, overhears someone playing in the forbidden garden and angrily rushes to see who it could be. To his surprise, he sees his son, out of his wheelchair, laughing and frolicking in the garden. He is so overcome with surprise and joy that he bursts into tears and embraces his son for the first time in years. The beauty and magic of the garden brought this family together again.

We all need a place we can escape to, a sanctuary of some sort, where we can renew our spirits. And it doesn’t have to be a rose garden, mountaintop, or beachfront. It can be a bedroom or even a bathroom, just a place to be alone. Theodore, from Canada, had his hideout: Whenever I would get too stressed out, or when I was not getting along with my parents, I would just go into the basement. There I had a hockey stick, a ball, and a bare concrete wall on which I could take out my frustrations. I would just shoot the ball for half an hour and go back upstairs refreshed. It did wonders for my hockey game, but it was even better for my family relationships.

Arian told me about his refuge. Whenever he got too stressed out, he would slip into his high school’s large auditorium through a back door. All alone in the quiet, dark, and spacious auditorium, he could get away from all the bustle, have a good cry, or just relax.

Allison found a garden all her own:

My dad died in an industrial accident at work when I was little. I really don’t know the details because I have always been afraid to ask my mother very many questions about it. Maybe it’s because I have created this perfect picture of him in my mind that I don’t want to change. To me he is this perfect human being who would protect me if he was here. He is with me all the time in my thoughts, and I imagine how he would act and help me if he was here.

When I really need him I go to the top of the slide at the local grade school playground. I have this silly feeling that if I can go to the highest place I will be able to feel him. So I climb up to the top of the slide and just lie there. I talk to him in my thoughts and I can feel him talking to my mind. I want him to touch me, but of course know that he cannot. I go there every time something really is bothering me and I just share my burdens with him.

Besides finding a place of refuge, there are so many other ways to renew yourself and build your PBA. Exercise can do it, like going for a walk, running, dancing, or punching a bag. Some teens have suggested watching old movies, playing a musical instrument, finger painting, or talking to friends who uplift you. Numerous others have found that writing in their journals does wonders to help them cope.

Habit 7, Sharpen the Saw, is all about taking time to renew your body, heart, mind, and soul. We’ll talk more about it when we get there. So hold your horses.