فصل 25

BE LOYAL

As a junior in high school, I’ll never forget watching a high school basketball game with my friend Eric. I began making fun of one of the players who always sat on the bench. He was a nice guy and had always been good to me, but a lot of other people made fun of him so I thought I would too. It made Eric laugh. After I had ripped on this kid for several minutes, I happened to turn around and, to my horror, saw this kid’s younger brother sitting right behind me. He had overheard everything. I’ll never forget the look of betrayal written all over his face. Quickly turning back around, I sat quietly for the rest of the game. I felt like a total jerk, about one foot tall. Did I ever learn an important lesson about loyalty that night!

One of the biggest RBA deposits you can make is to be loyal to other people, not only when they’re in your presence but more especially when they’re not present. When you talk behind people’s backs, you’re only hurting yourself, in two ways.

First, you make withdrawals from everyone who hears your comments. If you hear me trash Greg when Greg isn’t there to defend himself, what do you think I’m going to be doing when you’re not present? That’s right. I’ll be gossiping about you.

Second, when you bad-mouth or gossip you make what I call an “invisible withdrawal” from the person you’re attacking. Have you ever sensed that someone has been trashing you behind your back? You didn’t hear it, but you can feel it. It’s strange but true. If you sweet-talk people when they’re facing you but trash-talk them when their backs are turned, don’t think they won’t feel it. It somehow gets communicated.

Gossiping is a huge problem among teens, especially girls. Guys usually prefer other ways of attacking people (we call them fists), but girls like words. Why is gossiping so popular? For one thing, you hold someone’s reputation in the palms of your hands and that’s a powerful feeling. For another, we gossip because we’re insecure, afraid, or threatened. That’s why gossipers usually like to pick on people who look different, think different, are self-confident, or stand out in some way. But isn’t it kind of silly to think that tearing someone else down builds you up?

Gossip and rumors probably have destroyed more reputations and relationships than every other bad habit combined. This story, told by my friend Annie, illustrates their venomous power: The summer following high school graduation my best friend, Tara, and I were dating two really neat guys. They were best friends, we were best friends, and we often doubled. One weekend Tara and my boyfriend, Sam, both went out of town with their families. Tara’s boyfriend, Will, called and said, “Hey, let’s do a movie since both Tara and Sam are out of town and we have nothing to do.” We truly went out only as friends—Will knew that and I knew that Of course, someone saw us at the movies and misinterpreted the situation. Well, in a small town, things have a tendency to grow. When Tara and Sam returned, and even before I had a chance to talk to my best friend or my boyfriend, the word was out. There was no pulling back the stories and rumors. As I called to say “hi” to them, I got a frigid blast of arctic air. There was no explaining. There was no communication. My best friend and my boyfriend chose to believe the nasty rumors that were being spread, and in their anger added fuel to the fire. I learned a really tough lesson about loyalty that summer that I have never forgotten nor even gotten over. And to this day, my best friend still doesn’t believe me.

In the above catastrophe, it seems to me that a little loyalty would have solved a lot of problem. So just what is it that makes a loyal person?

Loyal people keep secrets. When people share something with you and ask you to keep it “just between you and me,” then for goodness’ sake, keep it “just between you and them” instead of running out and telling every last soul every juicy detail as if you had no control of your bodily functions. If you enjoy being told secrets, then keep them secret, and you’ll get more of ‘em told to you.

Loyal people avoid gossip. Have you ever been hesitant to leave a group chat because you’re afraid someone might start gossiping about you? Don’t let others think that about you. Avoid gossip like rabies. Think well of others and give them the benefit of the doubt. This doesn’t mean that you can’t talk about other people, just try to do it in a constructive way. Remember, strong minds talk about ideas; weak minds talk about people.

Loyal people stick up for others. The next time a group starts gossiping about another person, refuse to participate in the gossip or stick up for that person. You can do so without sounding self-righteous. Katie, a senior in high school, shared this story: One day in my English class, my friend Matt started talking about a girl I knew in my neighborhood, although we had never been close friends. His friend had taken her out to a dance and so he started saying things like “She is such a snot” and “She’s so ditzy.” I turned around and said, “Excuse me, but Kim and I have grown up together and I think she’s one of the sweetest people I have ever met.” After I said it I was kind of surprised at myself. I had actually been struggling to get along with her. Even though Kim never knew what I said about her, my attitude toward her changed and we became really close friends.

Matt and I still are good friends. I think he knows he can count on me to be a loyal friend.

Cutting against the grain of a gossip pile-on takes courage. But after the initial embarrassment it may cause you, people will admire you because they know you’re loyal to the core. I’d make an extra effort to be loyal to your family members, since these relationships will last a lifetime.

As illustrated so well in the Winnie-the-Pooh classics, people need to feel safe and secure in relationships: Piglet sidled up behind Pooh.

“Pooh,” he whispered.

“Yes, Piglet?”

“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you.” • LISTEN

Listening to someone can be one of the single greatest deposits you can make into another’s RBA. Why? Because most people don’t listen and, furthermore, listening can heal wounds, as it did in the case of this fifteen-year-old named Tawni: At the beginning of the year I was having communication troubles with my parents. They were not listening and I was not listening. It was one of those “I’m right and you’re wrong” kind of things. I would come in late and just go to bed, and in the morning I would have breakfast and go to school and not say anything.

I went to see my cousin, who is older than me, and said, “I need to talk to you.” We went for a drive across town so we could be alone. She listened to me freak out and cry and scream for two and a half hours. She really helped me a lot because she just listened to all of it. She was optimistic that it would be all right and suggested that it might help if I tried to win back my parents’ trust I have been trying to see things from their point of view lately. We are not in a fight anymore, and things are getting back to normal.

People need to be listened to almost as much as they need food. And if you’ll take time to feed them, you’ll create some fabulous friendships. We’ll talk about listening a lot more when we get to Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood. It’s just up ahead.