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• PARADIGMS OF LIFE

Besides having paradigms about ourselves and others, we also have paradigms about the world in general. You can usually tell what your paradigm is by asking yourself, “What is the driving force of my life?” “What do I spend my time thinking about?” “Who or what is my obsession?” Whatever is most important to you will become your paradigm, your glasses, or, as I like to call it, your life-center. Some of the more popular life-centers for teens include Friends, Stuff, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, School, Parents, Sports/Hobbies, Heroes, Enemies, Self, and Work. They each have their good points, but they are all incomplete in one way or another, and, as I’m about to show you, they’ll mess you up if you center your life on them. Luckily, there is one center that you can always count on. We’ll save it for last.

Friend-Centered

There’s nothing better than belonging to a great group of friends and nothing worse than feeling like an outcast. Friends are important but should never become your center. Why? Well, occasionally they’re fickle. Now and then they’re fake. Sometimes they talk behind your back or develop new friendships and forget yours. They have mood swings.

They move.

In addition, if you base your identity on having friends, being accepted, and being popular, you may find yourself compromising your standards or changing them every weekend to accommodate your friends.

Believe it or not, the day will come when friends will not be the biggest thing in your life. During high school I had a fabulous group of friends. We did everything together—swam in illegal canals, gorged at all-you-can-eat buffets, water-skied in the dark, dated each other’s girlfriends … you name it. I loved these guys. I felt that we’d be friends forever.

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After graduating from high school and moving away, however, I’ve been amazed at how seldom we see each other. We live far apart, and new relationships, jobs, and family take up our time. As a teen, I never could have fathomed this.

Make as many friends as you can, but don’t build your life on them. It’s an unstable foundation.

Stuff-Centered

Sometimes we see the world through the lens of possessions or “stuff.” We live in a material world that teaches us that “He who dies with the most toys wins.” We have to have the fastest car, the nicest clothes, the latest stereo, the best hairstyle, and the many other things that are supposed to bring us happiness. Possessions also come in the form of titles and accomplishments, such as head cheerleader, lead in the play, valedictorian, student body officer, chief editor, or MVP.

There is nothing wrong with accomplishing and enjoying our stuff, but we should never center our lives on things, which in the end have no lasting value. Our confidence needs to come from within, not from without, from the quality of our hearts, not the quantity of things we own. After all, he who dies with the most toys … still dies.

I once knew a girl who had the most beautiful and expensive wardrobe I’d ever seen. She seldom wore the same outfit twice. After getting to know her better, I began to notice that she got much of her self-confidence from her clothes and had a bad case of “elevator eyes.” It seemed that whenever she talked with another girl, she’d eye her from head to foot to see if her outfit was as nice as her own, which usually gave her a superiority complex. She was stuff-centered, which was a real turnoff to me.

I read a saying once that says it better than I can: “If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I?” Boyfriend/Girlfriend-Centered

This may be the easiest trap of all to fall into. I mean, who hasn’t been centered on a boyfriend or girlfriend at one point?

Let’s pretend Brady centers his life on his girlfriend, Tasha. Now, watch the instability it creates in Brady.

TASHA’S ACTIONS

Makes a rude comment

BRADY’S REACTIONS

TASHA’S ACTIONS

“My day is ruined.”

TASHA’S ACTIONS

Flirts with Brady’s best friend

BRADY’S REACTIONS

“I’ve been betrayed. I hate my friend.”

TASHA’S ACTIONS

“I think we should date other people”

BRADY’S REACTIONS

“My life is over. You don’t love me anymore.”

The ironic thing is that the more you center your life on someone, the more unattractive you become to that person. How’s that? Well, first of all, if you’re centered on someone, you’re no longer hard to get. Second, it’s irritating when someone builds their entire emotional life around you. Since their security comes from you and not from within themselves, they always need to have those sickening “where do we stand” talks.

When I began dating my wife, one of the things that attracted me most was that she didn’t center her life on me. I’ll never forget the time she turned me down (with a smile and no apology) for a very important date. I loved it! She was her own person and had her own inner strength. Her moods were independent of mine.

You can usually tell when a couple becomes centered on each other because they are forever breaking up and getting back together. Although their relationship has deteriorated, their emotional lives and identities are so intertwined that they can never fully let go of each other.

Believe me, you’ll be a better boyfriend or girlfriend if you’re not centered on your partner. Independence is more attractive than dependence. Besides, centering your life on another doesn’t show that you love them, only that you’re dependent on them.

Have as many girlfriends or boyfriends as you’d like, just don’t get obsessed with or centered on them, because, although there are exceptions, these relationships are usually about as stable as a yo-yo.