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CHAPTER NINE

Whose fault is it?

The kitchen was not completely dark. There was some light coming through the window and I could just see the fridge and the sink. I was beginning to think I was going mad and needed to see a doctor, when something moved.

‘Who is it? Come out so that I can see you!’ I was almost screaming. Then I saw the tall woman come towards me through the darkness.

‘Carl, it’s me,’ said a voice. It was Linda’s voice. I wanted to believe it was Linda’s voice. I put out my hand and touched her warm body. I fell down on my knees and put my arms around her. ‘Oh my God, Linda. Is it you? Have you come back to me? Oh thank you, thank you. I knew you would. I knew it.’ I was so happy.

‘Yes, Carl, it’s me,’ she said. ‘I want to talk to you. I shouldn’t have.’ I didn’t give her time to finish.

‘No, don’t say anything,’ I said. ‘I’m so happy to have you back. I thought you were dead. I thought I would never see you again. Nothing else matters now.’ I was crying. I couldn’t move. I thought it was all over. Linda made me get off the floor.

‘Let’s go into the sitting-room. I turned off the lights, I’m sorry. I didn’t want anybody to see me.’ She walked slowly into the sitting-room and sat down on the sofa.

‘I must tell you about it,’ she began, but I didn’t want her to speak.

‘No, Linda. I don’t want to know anything. I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time on our marriage. I’m sorry about that, but you’re back here with me now. That’s the important thing. That’s all I want.’

‘Carl, I’m the one who is sorry,’ she said. ‘I can’t come back. Everything is different now. Let me explain. Sit down, please.’

I sat down on the floor in front of her. I wanted to be as close to her as possible. I could smell her perfume and feel how warm her body was in the darkness. I felt warm and happy. Well, for a few seconds I felt warm and happy.

‘You must listen to me, Carl.’ Her voice was cold and distant. When she said my name like that I had to listen.

‘I don’t want to be your wife any more. I want to get a divorce. I came here to tell you that. I wanted to tell you before but I was afraid. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I realise now there is no other way.

‘After the office party I did catch the train. I was going to come here. I was going to come and tell you. But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t feel strong enough. I got off at Woodbridge. I wrote the letter to you then. That’s when the postman saw me.

‘Things had been very difficult between us for a long time, and then I met someone else. Now I love him and I’m going to stay with him. I’m sorry it has all been so terrible for you. It isn’t fair, I know.’

The words hit me like stones. I couldn’t see her face, it was too dark, and I put my hand towards her.

‘No, Carl,’ she said. ‘Don’t touch me. You mustn’t touch me any more. Let me tell you how it happened.’

‘Why, Linda? Why are you leaving me? I don’t understand. I can make everything better. I love you, you know I do. You must still love me.’ I didn’t want to hear her story, but she continued.

‘I don’t know if I still love you, Carl. I love someone else now. I’ve loved him for a long time and now I know I have to be with him and not you.’ She stopped talking and looked out to the sea. I didn’t say anything.

‘It started when I found this house,’ Linda said. ‘This house by the sea. This house is very important to me. And I met him the first time I came here to Little Moreton, to this house. Of course, I didn’t love him then. But he was kind and he was interested in me. You didn’t have the time to come down here with me. Do you remember that, Carl?’

I did remember and I wished it wasn’t true. I wished I had come down more often.

‘Nothing happened for months, you know,’ Linda went on. ‘But every time I came here on my own he met me at the station and drove me here. He helped me to paint the house and buy the furniture. He didn’t stay here with me but he often did things to the house when I went back to London. He stayed here when I wasn’t here.’

‘But Linda, why didn’t you tell me about him? If I had known, perhaps.’ I stopped because I wanted to cry again. I was very angry with myself.

‘I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t love him then. But this house is my special place. I come here and I forget about my life in London.’ She sounded sad.

‘And forget about me,’ I said.

‘Yes. yes, I forget about you. I’m sorry.’ She was beginning to cry.

‘And why are you telling me now? Why did you say you were coming to see me here? You know it’s been terrible for me. I thought I was going mad. This Tom, this madman who thought his dad was a fish. Do you know about that?’ Then I had a terrible thought. ‘Was it Tom Parker? Was he the man you loved?’

‘No, no of course not. Poor old Tom. You know that Tom’s family owned this house a long time ago, don’t you? That’s why he put the fish head in the bed. He thought he still lived here in this house and that was his father’s bed. When he saw the fish he thought his father had come out of the sea and that if he put it in bed his father would return, he would get better. Poor Tom. He was quite mad. The fish must have smelt!’ She laughed. I used to like to hear her laugh but now she seemed to be laughing at me. That didn’t feel good.

‘Don’t laugh. It did smell and, you know, I thought it was your dead body. I didn’t think it was funny. And the police think I killed him because I thought he had done something to you.’

‘I’m sorry, Carl. No, it’s not funny. Why did you think he wanted to hurt me?’

So I told her about seeing Tom for the first time. I told her what they said about him in the pub when I was waiting for her. I told her about going into the church and the yellow shoes in the sea. ‘I thought I’d left them in London,’ she said. ‘Tom must have taken them.’

As I told her the story she said quietly to herself, ‘Oh dear, oh no’ over and over again.

‘And now Tom’s dead,’ Linda said, ‘and there’s nothing we can do. That’s my fault, too.’

‘I don’t understand,’ I said again. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Tom was in love with a girl called Jenny,’ Linda said. ‘When she drowned a few weeks ago Tom was very unhappy. He spent a lot of time down on the beach looking out to sea. He slept in that car. Then he began to come to this house - his father’s old house. When he saw me he suddenly thought that I was Jenny, his girlfriend, who had drowned. When I got off the train at Woodbridge last Friday, Tom saw me. He knew then I wasn’t Jenny, but he took his brother’s taxi and drove to Little Moreton to wait for Jenny at the house. That’s when he saw you. He wasn’t well. He probably thought for a minute you were his father. Then, when he saw the fish on the beach he wanted it to be his father. He was really mad in that last week. I hope he’s happier now. He somehow knew his father wasn’t coming back, so he went out to sea to find him. That’s when he drowned. perhaps it was my fault.’

‘Do the police know all of this,’ I asked.

‘No, not everything, but I wanted to tell you first. I wanted to explain. I’m going to tell the police now.’

‘I’ll come with you,’ I said.

‘No. I’ll tell them by myself.’ Linda got up and walked into the back garden. I followed her out. I was so surprised by it all I didn’t say anything. Then I remembered the key.

‘How did Tom get a key to the house,’ I asked.

‘He stole it from Bill.’

‘Bill?’

‘Bill Parker is the man I love. He’s Tom’s brother. I gave Bill a key to the house so he could do work on it while I was in London. Bill’s been very kind to me. He’s very sad about his brother.’

There were some stars in the sky which gave some light and I could see Linda looked very sad. I knew then, in that moment, that I was losing her.

‘How long are you staying here for,’ she asked.

‘Why, does it matter,’ I asked. I suddenly felt angry with her. ‘Do you want to come and live here with that man?’

‘Bill has done a lot of work on the house. It’s his house, too. Of course I’ll pay you for it.’

We walked around to the front of the house. ‘I have to go, Carl,’ she said. ‘Bill’s waiting for me down the road.’

I could see the lights of a car parked on the road about 100 metres away. It looked like a taxi. Slowly, I was beginning to understand.

‘Goodbye, Carl.’ She walked down the road towards the car and I stood alone by that house. I was trying to remember the face of the man who had passed Mary and me as we went into the police station a few hours ago. He was tall and dark, but I couldn’t see his face.

I don’t know how long I stood there. The car had long gone. I was shaking with cold. I went back in the house and up the stairs. I found myself sitting on the bed with Linda’s yellow dress in my hands and I was crying. I sat there a long time and then I fell asleep.

In the morning I woke with the sun coming through the windows. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. As I was washing my hands and face I looked in the mirror. I saw the face of an old man with sad eyes and hair that was starting to turn grey.